This is sort of a continuation of my rambles from yesterday, I guess.
So over the weekend, I didn’t post any updates on AO3. Yesterday I posted an update on When it Began (it had been about a month since I’d updated that story) and I lost two subscribers.
I really don’t get it. And I’m tired.
I put a lot of effort into these works and it’s frankly disheartening enough to get radio silence on them with hardly any comments. But when people just delete me (which is basically what they are doing), I can’t help wondering why I bother.
It frankly makes me think I should just stop. If no one’s interested or everyone is sick of me, what the hell am I even doing there? I can write my stories for myself and never post them. Or I can just imagine them in my head, whatever.
Not for the first time, I am considering deleting all works in progress and just leaving my completed work on there for anyone who wants to read my complete stuff.
Will I do it? I don’t know. But I’m depressed and discouraged at this point.
In other news…
I heard a song on a Spirk video yesterday that I simply must have. It’s not a new song or even a new video, but it’s new to me. The video wasn’t particularly good but the song is so perfect for Kirk and Spock, I simply have to buy it. I can’t get it until Friday when I get paid, but I so am getting it. It’s Enrique Iglesias’ Tonight I’m Fucking You. He has a clean version called Tonight I’m Loving You, but there’s no way in hell I am getting the clean version. So come Friday, I will have that song. Can’t wait.
Supposed to be 90 around here this coming weekend. Friday I have plans to go to dinner but over the weekend I think I need to do some cleaning around my house. There are tufts of kitty fur all over so besides vacuuming it just needs overall straightening.
On Netflix now they have Forensic Files. I love that show and have seen almost every episode, if not all of them, but I found myself checking them out most of this past weekend anyway. I got through 15 of them so far.
I guess that’s the rest of rants for now. Probably more than anyone needed to hear really.
Comments
28 responses to “Continuation of Weekly Rambles, 04/17”
I absolutely get where you’re coming from. 100%. I wish I could find an explanation. And answer. A reason.
Ugh 90! And when you’re done with your kitty tufts, you can come take care of mine.
Forensic Files!! 😀
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I’m definitely not ready for 90
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I’m sorry about those two subscribers. They suck and its their loss for not getting to be able to see you’ve updated your awesome stories 😊
It is disheartening and I’m sorry. Big hugs! Maybe when your bang story is up more people will come to check out your stories
I have that song! Well, the clean version LOL
I like reading your rants and boo to the 90 degree weather. Not cool. Its starting to trickle up to the 80s here
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Yeah I don’t need a sanitized version. I’m an adult I can handle the word “fucking” 🙂
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I am an adult too! LOL, I just got hooked on the clean one from hearing it on the radio that the fucking one just didn’t jive with me
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To each their own I guess. “Loving” is too sappy for my tastes. “Fucking” is way hotter *shrugs*
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I always buy the “non-clean” version of every song that has too versions. 🙂
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Two versions, oiye
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I do have many non clean versions of other songs. And yes, ducking is always better than loving
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Oh and as for my T’hy’la Bang story bringing me more readers, it’s not going to happen. One thing is for sure, I am done posting new works on there. I’m tired of not being in the “clique” of Star Trek writers. I used to want to be in that “clique” so bad. There used to be a site that recommended Spirk fics and I stalked it hoping one day I would make that list. I never ever did, no matter what I did or wrote. I’ve never been popular and I never will be
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To me you are the clique if that makes any sense. I know of some of those other writers but frankly I like your word the best 🙂
And I meant fucking not ducking on that last reply. My phone keeps things clean lol
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Yeah Apple does that. You got to watch that “autocorrect” thing. It’s a little maddening.
That’s kind of you to say. Funny thing is some of those writers from the “clique” don’t even write and post new work anymore but I still keep plugging along, sigh.
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*hugs*
This feeling I know, and it’s the worst kind of feelings not “getting in”
I kind of love that you’ve gotten to the point of “fuck you” toward them.
I hope you’ll continue to write (and give me them. heh) though.
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I know you get it. *hugs back*
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Did they quit subscribing to you, or the story itself?
At any rate, I’m sorry you’re upset. Genuinely. I feel bad for you when you’re feeling down due to your writing because I hold it in such regard. But never judge yourself harshly just because someone moves on because your writing or a story isn’t their cup of tea. That’s fine. You have plenty of people who appreciate your stories. And unfollowing is better then actually someone being an asshat and saying something mean about you, to you, whatever. Going away quietly is preferable. So chin up.
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Subscribers to me not the individual story. You can, obviously, subscribe only to the story, which I have done myself if it’s an author I am unfamiliar with or generally writes another pairing or genre, etc, but it’s a lot harder to keep track of who subscribes or unsubscribes to individual stories. You have to really, really scrutinize the numbers. Overall author subscribers are staring at you right there whenever you go into the “status” tab. I go in there to be able to see all my stories at once, that’s the only place you can do that, so unfortunately, there it is every dang time. I’ve gone into settings hoping there is a way for me to hide subscribers since I know it bothers me and there isn’t. So yeah. It stares at me pretty much every dang day.
And I know you are right, on some level. But I admittedly obsess over it. Even though there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it other than to bitch and moan, pretty much.
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It will be okay Ivan. Our brains sometimes work against us like the little bastards that they are. But be assured that you matter, your work is high quality, and some of us use your stories as balm for our souls.
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thank you, sweets
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And now I feel seriously guilty for my lack of commenting. I suck at that lately. Which mostly is probably because you’re so awesome at updating and I basically can’t manage to keep up. I’m sorry for that. Enough about stupid me, this is about you.
I’m sorry you lost two subscribers. That sucks. Especially since you’re you’re writing in one fandom (I un-subscribed a writer once because they were writing in dozens of fandoms and had written one story in my fandom and I had hoped for more…that never came). People move on? I hope you’re not getting discouraged too much, I would hate if we’d lose you as a writer. I adore your stuff.
90 degrees? I had snow three days ago. Just saying :).
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Yeah I unsubscribed to someone recently for the same reason and only subscribed to the stories I am following in the Spirk fandom.
Well you don’t have to worry about me updating too often now, believe me.
Sure, people do move on. And that includes those of us who write too.
I get it. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect me though. It does.
It doesn’t really snow where I live but I know those who live with snow seem to like it 🙂
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I knew my comment wouldn’t be encouraging. Sorry. I hope you stick with us a little longer though :). I get that writers move on as well, I did ;). Not that I’ve written much anyway. And a much smaller fandom where everybody pretty much knew each other. Anyway, I hope you get new subscribers soon :).
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Nah, you’re fine. I’m just in the serious doldrums right now. Not your doing.
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Sorry to hear about the two subscribers. I have too many subscriptions and it can be daunting to catch up with reading. There are some author’s stories who I follow, they take up to 4 months to update but I wait because they are worth it but that’s me. Regardless I think your stories are worth waiting for.
I have never heard if this song but I will check it out. I would imagine you would prefer the the dirty version (raising a Vulcan eyebrow). Yes we know you are an adult and one that loves that word. LOL
I love shows like Forensic files, Lee hates them though. I am glad you mention the collection on Netflix, I will definitely be watching that. Thanks! Did you ever watch a show called Cold Case files? That was one of my favorite ones to watch.
Enjoy the rest of your week. (((hugs)))
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Well really it’s not that I lost 2 subscribers just now. Because I know 2 sounds like nothing. it’s that every single time I post, I lose subscribers. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I know probably people think I am focusing on 2 subscribers. I assure you I am not. It’s the pattern I am focusing on. That every single time I post, even if I have gone days without posting, I lose at least one subscriber and often more and I just don’t get it. It’s disheartening.
Yes, I watched Cold Case Files too. If they put that on Netflix, I would be all for it.
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Since I’m not a writer myself I can only guess, but is it possible that losing people is the normal ebb and flow? The only thing I have to compare it to is my tumblr. That is – I constantly seem to gain and lose a few people and my follower count kind of stays the same. What’s weird to me is that I post exclusively Spirk, with pretty much no personal content. So I don’t change. I assume that people understand what my tumblr is when they sign on. So why do they unfollow? You know? I assume writing is the same?? The thing about my tumblr following on the negative side, is now sometimes I second guess occasionally what I want to post because a zillion people are following and it doesn’t seem to be “for me” anymore. It’s weird.
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That definitely makes sense as far as tumblr vs AO3 I think. And obviously we both post Spirk/Star Trek/Pine stuff, so I guess it’s similar. And thing is, it is something that bugs me more often sometimes. And there’s probably some correlation to when I post angstier stuff too. You have a TON of followers for sure on that site and I love to visit it myself though I am not a normal tumblr follower
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Hi Ivan, I’m a lurker that absolutely adores your Trek fics. Since the moment I stumbled on your writing, I devoured every fic and looked forward to every update. I’ve not been writing comments to express my appreciation even though I wanted to because of my messed up anxiety issues, even writing you this isn’t going great. I just wanted to let you know that I love your writing, stories and characterizations of Jim and Spock, your ability to come up with such cool and varied plots is amazing. I really hope you’ll continue sharing your writing with us even if ungrateful lurkers like me don’t tell you how much your work means to us. I will never get tired of reading your Spirk fic, you are one of my favourite authors in any fandom. Reading and rereading your fics has helped me through some awful days and catching up on new updates is something I look forward to every day. Thank you so much for all your wonderful fic which you’ve been so kind to gift us with. I hope the sad feelings will pass soon and never come back, indeed easier said than done but I wish it nevertheless 🙂 please take care and all the very best to you.
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Thank you so much for bravely commenting. I get lurking believe me. And I’m sorry you find it difficult to express yourself in social media. I definitely get that. Strongly. It took me a long time to work up the courage to post my work on AO3 and I needed a LOT of hand holding then and frankly since. I started posting on K/S Archive too thinking they would love me there because I write K/S but they didn’t. They hated me there. Or at least the vocal ones did and I got out of there fast. Anyway, thank you so much for saying what you did. I greatly appreciate it. Greatly
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