I found one more fic that saw itself deleted, this one in spring 2019. I think it was another case of a comment but I admit I can’t quite remember. I had a plot planned that would explain everything too at the time. It was easier to post this then write a fic, I am lazy!

Anyway …Not Too Few Regrets

Chapter 1

I had expected to surprise her on Mother’s Day with an unexpected visit.

Instead she surprised me.

She was not alone.

As far as I knew, she hadn’t had a man in her life since Frank had disappeared off the face of the Earth. But it wasn’t like she had shared the information with me either way.

Worse was that she and the guy were engaged in…well personal stuff.

I had turned around and walked out of the farmhouse, scrubbing my hand across my face, I don’t know, to rid myself of certain images I had just seen.

She ran after me, thankfully now fully covered in a robe, calling out, “Jim! Stop!”

I did about halfway down the dirt road that led from the house to another road, off the property. My face was flaming hot.

“Surprise,” I muttered.

“It certainly is.” Her mouth was curved into a smile.

I couldn’t meet her gaze. “Er. Sorry. I-I guess I should have let you know.”

“I thought you were still in space.”

“Grounded. Temporarily.”

Her hand touched my arm. “Are you okay? You’re not…something bad hasn’t happened again, has it? Like before?”

She referred to my death, I knew.

“No. No. A leave.”

“Jim! Look at me.”

I did.

“What sort of leave? You aren’t being forced to take one, are you? It’s not a court martial?”

I shook my head.

“Because they’d better not. After all you’ve done for them?”

“No. It’s…I asked for a leave, actually. Personal time,” I admitted.

We both stopped when a hover car came down the road we stood on and paused next to us. In the hover car was the…well the guy Mom had been with.

“Sorry,” he said, sheepishly. “Thought I’d better cut out, er, I mean go. Talk later?”

She smiled. “Yeah. I’ll contact you. Thanks, Rex.”

I squinted at him and realized then who he was. The guy who owned the bar where I got into a fight with Cupcake and his cronies all those years ago. “Hi, Rex.”

“Jim.” He, too, was blushing. And I was pretty sure he was closer to my age then hers. “Nice to see you again.”

I’d seen too much of him, really, but I nodded. “Yeah.”

And then he was gone, leaving us alone again.

She was biting her lip when I looked back at her. “Where’s your stuff?”

“Back in the rental. I left it next to the barn.” I sighed. “I didn’t intend to impose.”

“You aren’t imposing.” She turned back to face the house. “Let’s go into the house.”

I followed her inside and she immediately went into the kitchen and started fussing to make coffee. Every once in a while she looked in my direction.

“Where’s…” She trailed off, looking anxious. “Look, why don’t you go and get your stuff while I go and get fully dressed? You’re staying?”

“Yeah.”

I walked out the side door that provided me a direct path to the barn where I’d left the rental. I stood next to it, staring in at my bags. In there was my personal PADD and I knew it was full of messages. From Bones, Uhura, Sulu, probably all of them, really.

Except…

I opened the door and grabbed my bag and walked back to the farmhouse.

Mom was back in the kitchen, wearing jeans and a pink buttoned down blouse. She was pouring both of us coffee, so I sat at the dining room table and prepared for the inquisition.

She brought over some cookies, too, and I immediately reach for one and started munching on it.

“What’s going on, Jim? I didn’t hear that the Enterprise was anywhere around Earth.”

“It’s not. They dropped me off at a space station and I took other transport from there.”

“I see.” But I could tell from her expression, she didn’t. “And Spock?”

“He’s acting captain.”

She blew out a breath. “And?”

I shook my head, but it was just a delay. There was no other way to say it. “Spock’s seeking a dissolution of our marriage.”

“Why?”

“I’m sure you can figure it out.”

“Not in a million years.”

“I cheated on him,” I said simply.

“You what? Jim. But—”

“We got in a fight on shore leave. A bad one. I got drunk, really drunk, and I fucked someone. Spock found out. That killed his love for me, obviously.”

She stared long and hard at me. “You…didn’t try to convince him otherwise?”

I shrugged. “Why would I? He’s right. I’m a stupid fuck who doesn’t deserve him.”

“But the bonding ceremony—”

“That’s canceled.  Maybe you can get your fare back for the trip you booked to New Vulcan.” It came out really stupidly flippant and I knew it.

For a long time we sat in silence. I knew she was staring at me, watching me, for what, I didn’t even know. But I just kept staring at the half-eaten cookie in my hand instead of looking at her. Shame would do that to a person. Me, anyway.

“I’m honestly at a loss,” she finally whispered. She reached over and covered my other hand with hers. “Are you sure it’s really over?”

I nodded, the miserable lump in my throat keeping me from speaking.

“But you were so in love.”

I closed my eyes then and shook my head. I’d done this to myself. Spock had no part in it and was blameless.

“How-how long is your leave?’

“Indefinite. Under the circumstances, Starfleet isn’t going to expect us to serve together again. Spock doesn’t want long term command. Or he never did anyway. Not really sure what’s going to happen. It’s under review. In the meantime, my crew, my friends, all hate my guts and rightly so. This is why this whole thing is frowned upon by the ‘Fleet, clearly.”

She got up then, taking her now empty cup into the kitchen to rinse out. She looked dazed.

“Look, I’m sorry. You didn’t bargain for any of this. I shouldn’t have come here. I’ll get out of your hair as soon as I can.”

“James Tiberius. Where should you have gone if you couldn’t come to your mama? You aren’t going anywhere.” She came back to the table and sat down. “Promise me one thing.”

I looked at her warily. “What?”

“You aren’t planning on hurting yourself.”

“Mom.”

“Humor me and promise.”

I sighed. “I’m not. Okay? I did this to myself and I live with the consequences.”

“Oh, Jim. I’m so sorry.”

There was nothing to say to that except that I was too, so I said nothing. Just finished my coffee and cookie, then went upstairs to my old room. I went into the attached bathroom and threw up.  

Chapter 2

I went down for dinner later, not because I was hungry, but because she called me down.

“Let’s go, we’re going out,” she informed me.

“I’m not much in the mood—”

“It’s Mother’s Day. I want to go out.”

And really, what could I say to that? I was the one who had arrived and messed with her plans, her day. And so we made the trip into town and over to a little Italian food place that was able to sit us right away, Mother’s Day or not.

“Let’s share a pizza. How’s that?”

“Whatever. I don’t care.”

She nodded and ordered us a large cheese pizza because she knew I hadn’t liked toppings on my pizza. A pitcher of beer with two glasses too.

“I’m sorry I came here to ruin your day.” I shook my head. “I can’t seem to do anything right.”

Mom sighed. “You’re firmly in the self-pity stage I can tell.”

I frowned. “Mom—”

“Jim. Look. You made a mistake. A bad one. I can’t dispute that. And maybe what you say is true and your relationship, your marriage to Spock, is over.”

“Is this supposed to make me feel better?”

She snorted. “No. What I’m trying to say, that whatever the future holds for you and Spock, you have to keep living your life, Jim. You need to eat. And you’re here now with me. We haven’t spent any real time together for years.”

“I know. I’m…I’m not in the best state of mind. I shouldn’t have—”

“Don’t say you shouldn’t have come here. You’re here. We’re going to make the best of it. As I was saying, I don’t know if it’s hopeless like you think.”

She paused as the waiter returned with the pitcher of beer and poured a glass for each of us. It was iced cold and completely wonderful tasting. I hadn’t had beer like that since I’d left Earth.

“My experience with Spock was that he was very much in love with you.”

“He was. But that was before I killed it.”

She shrugged. “Maybe you did. I don’t know. But maybe it’s not as hopeless as you imagine.”

“But he—”

“Asked to dissolve your marriage. Yeah. But I’m guessing he was hurt and wasn’t thinking it all the way through. And you didn’t give him any time, either, if I know you. You probably said, ‘yeah, okay, I’m leaving.’” She lifted her beer and gazed at me. “Am I right?’

I toyed with my glass. “What is there to say, really? I did fuck up, Mom. There’s just no excuse for what I did.”

“If it happened the other way, what would you do?”

“Huh?”

She sighed. She took my hand in hers. “Say the same fight happened. But instead of you, Spock went out and got drunk and slept with someone else. What would you do? What would you say to Spock? Would it be over?”

I opened my mouth. Closed it. “I don’t know.” And I realized I meant it. What would I do? I mean I thought Spock hung the moon or I thought I did, but then why in the world had I fucked someone else? What was even wrong with me?

“Well, you should spend some time thinking about it. Would one mistake Spock made when hurt or angry ruin everything for you? Is it unforgiveable to you? Because if it is, then you would have no right to expect it to be forgivable to him.”

At that I shook my head. Picked up my glass and took a swig of beer. “It is unforgiveable to Spock.”

“Do you know that?”

“He asked—”

“I know, I know, we’re back to that. For all your declarations of love to each other, I’m not sure the two of you have ever truly communicated. What your expectations are, what you want for the future. Whether you wanted a family.” She poured more beer from the pitcher into both our glasses. “Even what you plan to do after your careers at Starfleet are over. Jim, have you and Spock talked about any of that?”

I bit my lip and looked down at the table. “No. No, we haven’t.”

The pizza came then and though I was certain it would taste like cardboard or sawdust or something, it was surprisingly delicious, and I had devoured two pieces without even thinking about it.

“I’m not sure what made you two even think you were ready for a big step like marriage and a bond. Sexual attraction isn’t enough, Jim.”

“I know. I mean, I’m crazy about Spock. It’s not just the sex.”

“Maybe not, but something caused you to behave how you did. And until you analyze just what’s going on with you, Jim, you can’t possibly figure out what’s going on with Spock.”

After that I was tired of talking about me, we’d certainly done enough of that, maybe most of my life I had focused too much on me, which got me thinking, but instead I decided to turn off the ‘Story of Jim’, and ask her some questions.

“What’s going on with you and Rex?”

Mom blushed. “Oh that.”

My lips twitched. “Yeah, that. Is it serious?”

“Oh.” She sighed, blowing out a breath that fanned her hair. “I don’t know. It’s kind of soon. I like him.” She studied the slice of pizza on her plate. “But, um, I once liked…”

When she didn’t continue, I continued for her. “Frank,” I said softly.

“Uh-huh. And we know how that went.” She grimaced. “Not sure I have any right to give you advice of any kind about you and Spock.”

“Let’s not talk about that right now. Okay?”

“I’m sorry. I know you’re hurting.”

“Which I completely deserve.” Change of subject again. “Let’s go get ice cream cones after this.”

She smiled. “Yeah okay.”

And I couldn’t really make myself be cheerful, but I did manage a lame sounding, “Happy Mother’s Day.”