Spirk (with a small dose of Pinto)

Fan Fiction and Personal Ramblings


Flash Fiction Fridays

Flash Fic, May 20, 2022

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“And I strenuously object,” Sarek said. “Doctor McCoy, I know as a healer you mean well, however the less we interfere in Mr. Kirk’s time the better.”

Jim stepped forward. “Hey, listen—”

Spock put his hand on Jim’s arm. “Perhaps we should all take a step back for the moment. Jim, this is my father, Sarek, and my mother, Amanda, as well as my half-brother, Sybok. And this is Leonard McCoy, a doctor from your Earth’s future who happens to be a friend of Sybok’s.”

“Which is why I asked Bones to be here,” Sybok said. “Knowing we were retrieving you today from Earth’s past, give your physiology as both Vulcan and Human, I thought it wise to have Bones here.”

Jim frowned. “Bones?”

“A nickname for Leonard,” Sybok replied. “It’s taken me some time to figure out how to retrieve my brother from where he was and I succeeded in doing so just now, as you yourself experienced coming with him.” Sybok looked toward Sarek. “It might be risky for Doctor McCoy to help your father.”

“And ill-advised,” Sarek spoke up again. “Our goal at this point is to remove all traces of Spock’s time there and return Mr. Kirk to where he belongs. We cannot have any other complications.”

“Why not?” Jim asked, stubbornly. “If your goal is to just disappear like you never existed what’s the harm then of this doctor here helping my dad?”

“Jim.” Spock held Jim’s arm tighter. “Returning you to your time is not my goal. You are my T’hy’la. I do not intend to be separated from you.”

Jim looked at him. “Okay. Then convince this doctor here to help my dad.” He pulled Spock away from the others. “You know how important my family is to me. This is killing me. And you have a guy right here who can help my dad to live. Spock, you know he’s going to die otherwise. You know it.”

“Jim’s right.”

Spock turned to see his mother had drawn near. She gave Jim a gentle smile.

“It’s clear you’re of utmost importance to my son. And of course, your father needs to be saved. Whatever else happens, that is the least we can do in this situation.”

“My wife—”

Amanda turned to Sybok. “You can get Leonard to that hospital to help Jim’s father, can’t you?”

Sybok shrugged. “Well…”

“It actually would be better if Jim’s father were brought here to Vulcan,” McCoy interrupted. All my better equipment is here. In the past where Jim’s father is, I’d have to work with the equipment available there. Not easy.”

Sarek made a frustrated noise. “If it can be done, then do it, Sybok. But then once Mr. Kirk has been healed, both Mr. Kirk’s will be returned to Earth of the past where they belong.”

Jim glared at Sarek but did not respond to that. Spock had no intention of letting it happen either. But first they needed to see to Jim’s father.

Spock walked over to where his brother stood.

“Can it be done, brother? Can we bring George Kirk here, have Doctor McCoy help him, and then send him back to the hospital in the past without anyone the wiser?”

Sybok fingered his beard again. “Yes.”

Flash Fic, May 13, 2022

They stopped first to get some baked goods Jim knew from his old days spent with Mavis, and then made it to the car.
The whole time Jim considered things.
Considered the potential of him going with Spock to Spock’s world if they could get Spock there.
The biggest obstacle to that, other than the logistics, was Jim’s family. He loved his parents and his brother. Loved their life at the vineyard. He couldn’t just leave them. Couldn’t just disappear without a trace with them never knowing his fate. That would be far too cruel.
He stood by the driver side and looked over top of the car toward where Spock stood.
“I think you should meet my family.”
Spock angled his head.
“It’s not that far to Napa from here. Just over an hour or so east from our location. If we’re…bonded soulmates, I think whatever the future holds, Spock, I’d like them to meet you.”
They got in the car then by unspoken agreement and as Jim started up the engine, he glanced at Spock, who stoically stared straight ahead.
Spock looked his way. “Is it your intention to reveal my secret?”
“Nope. The less said the better about that. I don’t think anyone else should know right now. People talk, even when they shouldn’t or think they aren’t, if that makes sense. Stuff is revealed unintentionally. You’re just my boyfriend who lives next door and meeting my family is the next step. Okay?”
Spock nodded. “Okay.”
He then lifted his index and middle fingers toward Jim, who for a moment frowned in confusion. Then with a shrug, he lifted his mirror fingers to Spock’s. When the pads of their fingers met, Jim felt a thrilling warmth.
Jaw dropping open he said, “What is that?”
“An intimacy between bonded couples.”
Jim smiled. “Cool.”
They stayed that way for a moment or so and once more Jim felt Spock’s presence in his mind. He wasn’t entirely sure he could get used to it, but it was not unpleasant. Not at all.
Finally, he pulled his hand away, started the car, and headed for Napa.

Flash Fic, May 06, 2022

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Bodega Bay was north of San Francisco but west of Napa. It was in the same county as Napa, but it seemed far enough from Jim’s family that he didn’t feel too guilty not swinging by to see them.

He’d talked to all three of them more than once over the last week and he was steadfast in his decision not to introduce Spock to them.

Admittedly, he had somewhat selfish reasons for it. For the limited time he was to have with Spock, he wanted that time to himself. Which was also why he’d told Nyota no when she wanted to double date for dinner with him bringing Spock.

Another reason for not wanting to introduce Spock to the family unit was that years from now he didn’t want Spock to be someone they all talked about in the past tense.

Gary the creep, Ruth the snooty bracelet thief, and Spock the one with pointy ears.

No thanks.

Bodega Bay was a beautiful seaside town, though most people knew it from the 1960 s Hitchcock movie, The Birds. Of course, Spock had never seen that movie and Jim was kind of glad. He didn’t want Spock giving the side eye to  every bird they spotted while they were there.

He’d booked them a way too expensive room with an ocean view that was just steps away from the beach and right next door to an elegant seafood restaurant. He had reviewed their menu before making reservations there for dinner and did find a couple of sparse vegetarian choices. Spock had assured him it was fine.

After they got settled in, they went walking through the town, which really wasn’t very big. It was quaint and idyllic. If you came there expecting a great deal of nightlife, you’d be disappointed.

It was cool and breezy and even a little foggy as it often was in the summer by the northern beaches. Only natives knew that fall, winter, and spring brought much sunnier skies than summer. The fog rolled in every night in the summer. Or just about anyway.

Spock’s little knit cap didn’t seem out of place at all and both of them wore light jackets.

“It’s very pretty here,” Spock commented.

“I like it. Not that I come here that often. But I’ve been a time or two.” He shrugged and smiled. “I actually lived here in a cliffside cottage for about a year.”

“Did you? A rental?”

Jim shook his head. “Nah. I was a kept man.” He laughed.


“Surfer days, Spock. Or tried anyway. Never was all that great on a surfboard, but I looked the part. The beaches here aren’t that far from the vineyard, so I’d come out here and hang around, pretending I was straight out of one of those old fifties beach movies.”

He laughed again. He knew he was blushing, but Spock was staring at him intensely, like he was enormously interested in whatever Jim had to say. Not many ever seemed that interested.

“One day, this older lady, Mavis Vanderholt, very wealthy and sophisticated was Mavis. She was a widow. Not that old, really, but older than me. Her husband had died off a fishing boat in Bodega Bay. I was nineteen and she was in her late thirties. She started talking to me, you know, and then pretty soon I went to her little cliffside cottage, and we slept together.”

Spock arched a brow.

“She was a sexy older woman. I kinda never left for days and then pretty soon she said to me, I guess you live here now.”


“Uh-huh. We spent our days having sex and going to the beach. It was lazy and bohemian. It went on for about a year. One afternoon after sex, Mavis looked at me and said, ‘Jim, it’s time for you to leave’. So I did.”

“A most unusual woman.”

“Pretty much. Never saw her again, to be honest. Five years ago, I saw an online obituary for her. Killed herself. She had a sister who sold the cottage. No idea who owns it now.”

Spock stared at him again. “You have led an interesting life, Jim.”

“You mean a weird one.”

“Not at all. I find you…fascinating.” He took Jim’s hand as they continued to walk along the beach. “I am glad you invited me to do this, Jim. I do not think I will ever forget this place.”

Jim smiled, leaned in and kissed him. “Yeah, me either.”  

Flash Fic, April 29, 2022

The next day, Tuesday, Spock went to work at the Science Institute. Thus far he had not had much luck with figuring out how to return to his own timeline. Though the equipment there was useful, it was not as advanced as what Spock had back home, and even on his crashed ship. At some point if he could not create something useful, he was going to have to dig up parts of the buried ship.

When he returned home, Spock briefly went to Jim’s door. He hadn’t heard from Jim all day, and of course he had not. He’d forgotten to exchange cell phone numbers with Jim before he’d left Spock’s apartment last night.

He’d been forced to get this timeline’s version of a communication device in order to function, therefore, he may as well use it to keep in touch with Jim.

It seemed as though Jim was not yet home and he had a vague recollection that Jim once mentioned Tuesdays and Thursdays as his “late days”. He went back to his own apartment and let himself in.

Around seven-thirty, he heard Jim arriving home, but Spock did not immediately leap up and go out into the hallway. Appearing to be a stalker would just freak out the Human.

And yet as Spock’s time was limited, he was anxious to see Jim as often as he could. There was something about the Human that drew Spock like an insect to a flame.

Jim was uncommonly gorgeous but there was more to it. Or Spock thought so. And the way to find out was to spend as much time as he could with Jim while the opportunity presented itself.

He waited half an hour, however, before finally getting up and going over to see Jim.

It took only a moment or so for Jim to open the door.

He smiled at Spock. “Oh, hey. Come on in.”

Spock did. He could smell something cooking.

“I’m making myself a simple tuna casserole,” Jim explained. “I hate Tuesdays. Classes run late.”

“I recall. I realized today that we had not exchanged cell phone numbers. Had we done so I could have perhaps had food waiting for you.”

“Oh you wouldn’t have to do that, but yes, we should.” Jim gave Spock his information and Spock reciprocated. “There. All set now. How was your day?”

“Boring mostly. And yours?”

“Kind of the same. Long as I said. I usually gobble down some food while I’m sitting watching television on Tuesdays and Thursdays. You want to do that with me?”

The alternative would be to return to his lonely apartment.

“I have eaten, but I would not object to watching television on the couch with you.”

“Great.” And he got that dazzling smile that did funny things to his side.

That’s what they did. Jim put on an old movie, he said it was from 1934 and was called It Happened One Night. In all honesty, Spock didn’t pay much attention. About one third of the way in, Jim had fallen asleep and leaned against Spock. Spock ended up putting his arm around Jim and pulling him close. So while the movie played and Spock watched it a little, he was much more interested in the feel of the man in his arms, all the while wondering how he could ever leave Jim behind.

that’s the end of April, Totally Modern Jim will be back Monday, May 02!

Flash Fic, April 22, 2022

Photo by Nicola Barts on

Spock had to admit to feeling a bit shy when he’d gone over to Jim’s apartment to make sure he would be coming for dinner.

The truth was Spock had thought of little else since Jim had left last night. Spock had almost confessed the truth of just why he had pointed ears and he was glad he had stopped himself.

He wasn’t sure that Jim was ready for that declaration. Jim didn’t seem to have an overly active imagination from what Spock could tell and therefore if Spock announced he was from outer space, his suspicion was that Jim would think he was one those lunatics who thought they’d been abducted by little green men.

He reminded himself that Jim thinking he was into cosplay had been completely logical from Jim’s point of view. And though he probably should have not forced the issue of Jim coming for dinner, the truth was Spock very much wanted to see him.

He liked Jim. A LOT.

And seeing Jim wearing a robe with a great deal of bare skin showing had caused Spock an inordinate amount of consternating arousal.

He’d decided on a simple meal of a salad with breadsticks, pasta, and a tomato sauce. Spock was no gourmet cook by either Earth of Vulcan standards, but he knew enough to know most Humans seemed to like that kind of fare.

The coffeemaker he had ordered in order to provide coffee for Jim had arrived that morning and Spock had obtained coffee and half and half for it as well. Close to the time he expected Jim’s arrival, Spock made a pot of coffee, following the stated directions.

For some reason his hear pounded in his side when the knock on his door sounded. Probably because he knew risking involvement with Jim under his current circumstances was beyond foolish.

And yet here he was…doing so.

When he opened the door, Spock almost closed it again. Stupid, yes. But the man was simply too gorgeous. He wore a blue T-shirt that matched his eyes and looked so soft it could have been made out of butter, then dark denim jeans molded to his muscular legs. Spock could only imagine what Jim’s bottom must look like in them and he figured as soon as Jim stepped inside, Spock was going to find out.

He’d heard a female customer at the fusion restaurant once say, “I wore my fuck me pants.” And surely those were the pants Jim had on at that moment.

Jim walked into Spock’s apartment with a dazzling smile.

“Thanks for inviting me.”

Spock closed the door with Jim inside and as Jim turned he got the perfect look at Jim’s buttocks. Or was that a look at Jim’s perfect buttocks? Did it matter?

Spock looked down.

“You are naked.”

Jim turned and gave him a quizzical look. “Huh?”

“Bare. Your feet are bare,” Spock said, quickly.

Jim laughed. “Oh. Well, you don’t mind, do you? I didn’t feel like putting on shoes after getting them off today. My feet were killing me.”

“I do not mind.”

“What are we…wait. Do I smell coffee?”

Spock felt some relief over being able to return to a more reasonable topic.

“Indeed. I purchased a coffeemaker so that you could have coffee while you were here.”


Jim turned and went into Spock’s kitchen and Spock followed.

For a moment, Jim stared at the coffeemaker as it continued to brew.

“I also purchased half and half since I observed—”

Spock suddenly found himself pushed up against the nearest wall with Jim’s hot, soft lips covering his. And when Jim’s hands scooted up under Spock’s sweater to rest on Spock’s exposed skin, he was lost.

Flash Fic, April 08, 2022

Now that he was faced with returning to Jim’s apartment for dinner, Spock regretted accepting the invitation to dine with the Human.

It wasn’t at all that Spock didn’t like Jim. In fact, he did. Which was precisely the problem.

Spock was infatuated with Jim. He was gorgeous and interesting. He was exactly the sort of “type” Spock would be interested in on a normal basis. But his situation was anything but normal.

Spock had wished to work at the Science Institute for the simple reason it would afford him the use of the Institute’s extensive science knowledge. Extensive for the primitive period Spock found himself in anyway. His hope was that there would be some way to discover a way for him to return to his own timeline.   

And if he reached that hope successfully, anything Spock found here in the present would need to be “ditched”, including any friendships forged.

Spock’s ship had somehow crossed into this primitive time in the 21st Century and crashed. The ship was unsalvageable, but he had hidden the pieces in the warehouse he’d taken shelter in that he had later been forced to vacate. He’d buried those pieces underground in that area in case there would be something he required to return.

Still the plain truth of it was that Spock did want to spend time with Jim. He was the only one so far he’d forged any kind of friendship with and Spock was a bit lonely. So, after getting things settled in his apartment and removing the knit cap and setting it on a nearby table, Spock left his apartment for Jim’s.

The door opened only seconds after he tapped on it and Jim, smiling so brightly his little rabbit front teeth showed, stepped aside to let Spock in.

Jim had changed out of the suit he’d been wearing into what was called sweatpants and a gray tank top with the words California Dreaming written across the chest.      

“Something to drink? I don’t have Sake, but I have some beer or wine. Iced tea and soda too.”

“Iced tea would be ideal.”

Jim nodded. “I’m a strictly unsweetened guy but I have sweetener if you want. I keep it on hand when friends come over. I have Sweet & Low, Equal, Splenda, and like regular sugar.”:

“I prefer unsweetened as well.”

Jim took a glass out of cabinet, filled it with ice from the freezer, and then poured tea from a pitcher.

“The food smells good,” Spock said as he took the tea from Jim. And it did. Spock hadn’t eaten much all day and he realized he was hungry.

“It’s a pretty simple stir fry but I think you’ll like it.”

“You are not a vegetarian, are you?”

“Nah. And I bought some shrimp to cook up on the side for me that I’ll toss into my portion. But I knew you would only want the vegetables.”

“Did you anticipate inviting me for dinner?” Spock asked.

To Spock’s surprise, Jim blushed a bit and then laughed.

“You found me out.”

“Found you out?”

“Yeah, I mean, I did want to invite you. Truth is, I really like you and wanted to ask you out. I even went to the restaurant where you said you worked. Congrats on getting that Science Institute job by the way.”

Spock felt a bit nonplused. But the longer he remained silent the more uncomfortable Jim looked.

“Uh, did I say something wrong? Not interested in guys?”

“I am,” Spock admitted.

“Not interested in me?”

Spock blinked. “You have looked in the mirror, have you not?”

Jim laughed. “Uh yeah, but—”

“I am very interested in you,” Spock said bluntly.

“Yeah? That’s a relief.”

“It is a bit…complicated.”

“You’re married? In a relationship?”

“No. Nothing like that. My time here in the city might be short.”

Jim deflated some, but he nodded. He was still smiling. “Okay. Well, we can just see where things take us. As a matter of fact, tomorrow after work I’m driving to Napa to see my family. I’ll be back Sunday evening.” Jim shifted a little and glanced away and then back at Spock. “You, uh, you could come with me.”       

The guys will be back Monday!

Flash Fic, April 01, 2022

Fives Times Jim Almost Died and the One Time He Did

Just kidding, April Fool’s. I wouldn’t write that. Well, I did, actually. I have killed Jim off in a couple of one-shots and even a couple of stories.

Most notoriously The Strange Vulcan. I have had people tell me that story WRECKED them. It’s funny because there are so many elements to that story that I love so it’s a favorite of mine but I get it.

Fun fact or not so fun if you hate me for the above story. I originally intended it to be just a different meet between them. Spock time-traveling and ending up meeting Jim on modern Earth in Iowa.

But as I was writing that story I was marathon watching The Twilight Zone. Wow can some of those stories warp your mind. I remember one where the actress who played T’Pring (Arlene Martel I think was her name) that involved a plane crash. It was pretty freaky. She was a beautiful girl. Anyway, I digress.

Inspired by watching The Twilight Zone, I changed The Strange Vulcan to what it is today and yes, Jim dies. And, spoil alert, basically so does Spock. That’s not an April Fool’s joke.

If you haven’t read it, bring tissues or something.

But I digress. I didn’t write anything for today as I am giving myself this day off. If TSV is not your cup of tea there are plenty of them out there I have written that you can read instead.

Photo by Polina Kovaleva on

Flash Fic, March 25, 2022

Photo by Pixabay on

“Hey, are you okay?”

Sulu looked surprised by his appearance and his question. Maybe he ought to check on his helmsman more often, but Sulu was always the one crew member Kirk never had to worry about. He was as solid as solid could be.

Well, until now.

Of course, Kirk had heard the rumors that Sulu’s marriage was in trouble, but he didn’t listen to rumors. He hadn’t listened to the rumors Spock and Uhura had broken up for good nor that Kirk was the reason. That’s why he had been dumbstruck when Spock had grabbed him after a mission gone wrong again, and kissed him breathless. Spock had told him he was surprised Kirk didn’t know what everyone else did.

So yeah, Kirk didn’t pay attention to that.

But it was plain enough Sulu was hurting. He’d gotten rip-roaring drunk, took out his fencing sword and sent a group of first years scrambling for engineering.

He was now in the observation deck, still swinging that sword around, though fortunately not at Kirk.

“Sure, I’m okay.” Tears were streaming down his face. “Pavel’s dead and I haven’t seen my husband and daughter in fifteen months. But sure, I’m just peachy.”

Spock suddenly appeared behind Kirk and he went to move forward, his stance threatening because of the swinging fencing foil, but Kirk stopped him, holding him back.

“I’ve got this,” he whispered.

“He is—”

“Spock, I’ve got this. It’s okay. I’ll see you in our quarters.”

Spock wanted to argue, Kirk could see that, but he went anyway.

Sulu lowered his foil. “You get to work with your lover. It’s not fair. You guys share quarters even. Do you know how hard it is to maintain a healthy relationship long distance?”

Kirk did, but he knew that wasn’t the answer Sulu needed then.

“Would you like some time off, Hikaru? To spend with Ben and your daughter? I can approve a leave.” Kirk moistened his lips. “Chekov’s passing has hit us all hard and brings it really close to home just how isolated we are out here.”

“For-for how long?”

“How long do you want?”

“Six months? Is that too much to ask?”

“I’ll see.” He paused.  “I don’t want this, but it’s possible for you to request some kind of transfer to Yorktown to be with them full-time.”

Sulu shook his head. “I love my life on the Enterprise. I-I just wish…”

“I know. Take the leave. I know I can give you at least three months.”

Sulu nodded and swallowed. “Thank you, Captain. And I’m sorry I scared everyone. If I’m excused, I think I need to go throw up.”

Kirk smiled faintly. “You’re excused.”

Sulu left the observation deck and Jim walked to the view, looking out at the stars. Only seconds later, he sensed his first officer coming up behind him.

“You didn’t go to our quarters.”

“He had a sword.”

Kirk chuckled. “He was not threat.”

Spock shrugged. “There is no sense taking chances.”

His smile slipped and he pulled Spock into a hug. “Yeah, I know. I know.”

They all missed Chekov and Kirk wasn’t sure things would ever go back to the way it was before. But they would survive and thrive again.

But the Enterprise was all many of them knew. Their quarters was their home.

“Come on, babe, let’s go home.”

Flash Fic, March 18, 2021

I found one more fic that saw itself deleted, this one in spring 2019. I think it was another case of a comment but I admit I can’t quite remember. I had a plot planned that would explain everything too at the time. It was easier to post this then write a fic, I am lazy!

Anyway …Not Too Few Regrets

Chapter 1

I had expected to surprise her on Mother’s Day with an unexpected visit.

Instead she surprised me.

She was not alone.

As far as I knew, she hadn’t had a man in her life since Frank had disappeared off the face of the Earth. But it wasn’t like she had shared the information with me either way.

Worse was that she and the guy were engaged in…well personal stuff.

I had turned around and walked out of the farmhouse, scrubbing my hand across my face, I don’t know, to rid myself of certain images I had just seen.

She ran after me, thankfully now fully covered in a robe, calling out, “Jim! Stop!”

I did about halfway down the dirt road that led from the house to another road, off the property. My face was flaming hot.

“Surprise,” I muttered.

“It certainly is.” Her mouth was curved into a smile.

I couldn’t meet her gaze. “Er. Sorry. I-I guess I should have let you know.”

“I thought you were still in space.”

“Grounded. Temporarily.”

Her hand touched my arm. “Are you okay? You’re not…something bad hasn’t happened again, has it? Like before?”

She referred to my death, I knew.

“No. No. A leave.”

“Jim! Look at me.”

I did.

“What sort of leave? You aren’t being forced to take one, are you? It’s not a court martial?”

I shook my head.

“Because they’d better not. After all you’ve done for them?”

“No. It’s…I asked for a leave, actually. Personal time,” I admitted.

We both stopped when a hover car came down the road we stood on and paused next to us. In the hover car was the…well the guy Mom had been with.

“Sorry,” he said, sheepishly. “Thought I’d better cut out, er, I mean go. Talk later?”

She smiled. “Yeah. I’ll contact you. Thanks, Rex.”

I squinted at him and realized then who he was. The guy who owned the bar where I got into a fight with Cupcake and his cronies all those years ago. “Hi, Rex.”

“Jim.” He, too, was blushing. And I was pretty sure he was closer to my age then hers. “Nice to see you again.”

I’d seen too much of him, really, but I nodded. “Yeah.”

And then he was gone, leaving us alone again.

She was biting her lip when I looked back at her. “Where’s your stuff?”

“Back in the rental. I left it next to the barn.” I sighed. “I didn’t intend to impose.”

“You aren’t imposing.” She turned back to face the house. “Let’s go into the house.”

I followed her inside and she immediately went into the kitchen and started fussing to make coffee. Every once in a while she looked in my direction.

“Where’s…” She trailed off, looking anxious. “Look, why don’t you go and get your stuff while I go and get fully dressed? You’re staying?”


I walked out the side door that provided me a direct path to the barn where I’d left the rental. I stood next to it, staring in at my bags. In there was my personal PADD and I knew it was full of messages. From Bones, Uhura, Sulu, probably all of them, really.


I opened the door and grabbed my bag and walked back to the farmhouse.

Mom was back in the kitchen, wearing jeans and a pink buttoned down blouse. She was pouring both of us coffee, so I sat at the dining room table and prepared for the inquisition.

She brought over some cookies, too, and I immediately reach for one and started munching on it.

“What’s going on, Jim? I didn’t hear that the Enterprise was anywhere around Earth.”

“It’s not. They dropped me off at a space station and I took other transport from there.”

“I see.” But I could tell from her expression, she didn’t. “And Spock?”

“He’s acting captain.”

She blew out a breath. “And?”

I shook my head, but it was just a delay. There was no other way to say it. “Spock’s seeking a dissolution of our marriage.”


“I’m sure you can figure it out.”

“Not in a million years.”

“I cheated on him,” I said simply.

“You what? Jim. But—”

“We got in a fight on shore leave. A bad one. I got drunk, really drunk, and I fucked someone. Spock found out. That killed his love for me, obviously.”

She stared long and hard at me. “You…didn’t try to convince him otherwise?”

I shrugged. “Why would I? He’s right. I’m a stupid fuck who doesn’t deserve him.”

“But the bonding ceremony—”

“That’s canceled.  Maybe you can get your fare back for the trip you booked to New Vulcan.” It came out really stupidly flippant and I knew it.

For a long time we sat in silence. I knew she was staring at me, watching me, for what, I didn’t even know. But I just kept staring at the half-eaten cookie in my hand instead of looking at her. Shame would do that to a person. Me, anyway.

“I’m honestly at a loss,” she finally whispered. She reached over and covered my other hand with hers. “Are you sure it’s really over?”

I nodded, the miserable lump in my throat keeping me from speaking.

“But you were so in love.”

I closed my eyes then and shook my head. I’d done this to myself. Spock had no part in it and was blameless.

“How-how long is your leave?’

“Indefinite. Under the circumstances, Starfleet isn’t going to expect us to serve together again. Spock doesn’t want long term command. Or he never did anyway. Not really sure what’s going to happen. It’s under review. In the meantime, my crew, my friends, all hate my guts and rightly so. This is why this whole thing is frowned upon by the ‘Fleet, clearly.”

She got up then, taking her now empty cup into the kitchen to rinse out. She looked dazed.

“Look, I’m sorry. You didn’t bargain for any of this. I shouldn’t have come here. I’ll get out of your hair as soon as I can.”

“James Tiberius. Where should you have gone if you couldn’t come to your mama? You aren’t going anywhere.” She came back to the table and sat down. “Promise me one thing.”

I looked at her warily. “What?”

“You aren’t planning on hurting yourself.”


“Humor me and promise.”

I sighed. “I’m not. Okay? I did this to myself and I live with the consequences.”

“Oh, Jim. I’m so sorry.”

There was nothing to say to that except that I was too, so I said nothing. Just finished my coffee and cookie, then went upstairs to my old room. I went into the attached bathroom and threw up.  

Chapter 2

I went down for dinner later, not because I was hungry, but because she called me down.

“Let’s go, we’re going out,” she informed me.

“I’m not much in the mood—”

“It’s Mother’s Day. I want to go out.”

And really, what could I say to that? I was the one who had arrived and messed with her plans, her day. And so we made the trip into town and over to a little Italian food place that was able to sit us right away, Mother’s Day or not.

“Let’s share a pizza. How’s that?”

“Whatever. I don’t care.”

She nodded and ordered us a large cheese pizza because she knew I hadn’t liked toppings on my pizza. A pitcher of beer with two glasses too.

“I’m sorry I came here to ruin your day.” I shook my head. “I can’t seem to do anything right.”

Mom sighed. “You’re firmly in the self-pity stage I can tell.”

I frowned. “Mom—”

“Jim. Look. You made a mistake. A bad one. I can’t dispute that. And maybe what you say is true and your relationship, your marriage to Spock, is over.”

“Is this supposed to make me feel better?”

She snorted. “No. What I’m trying to say, that whatever the future holds for you and Spock, you have to keep living your life, Jim. You need to eat. And you’re here now with me. We haven’t spent any real time together for years.”

“I know. I’m…I’m not in the best state of mind. I shouldn’t have—”

“Don’t say you shouldn’t have come here. You’re here. We’re going to make the best of it. As I was saying, I don’t know if it’s hopeless like you think.”

She paused as the waiter returned with the pitcher of beer and poured a glass for each of us. It was iced cold and completely wonderful tasting. I hadn’t had beer like that since I’d left Earth.

“My experience with Spock was that he was very much in love with you.”

“He was. But that was before I killed it.”

She shrugged. “Maybe you did. I don’t know. But maybe it’s not as hopeless as you imagine.”

“But he—”

“Asked to dissolve your marriage. Yeah. But I’m guessing he was hurt and wasn’t thinking it all the way through. And you didn’t give him any time, either, if I know you. You probably said, ‘yeah, okay, I’m leaving.’” She lifted her beer and gazed at me. “Am I right?’

I toyed with my glass. “What is there to say, really? I did fuck up, Mom. There’s just no excuse for what I did.”

“If it happened the other way, what would you do?”


She sighed. She took my hand in hers. “Say the same fight happened. But instead of you, Spock went out and got drunk and slept with someone else. What would you do? What would you say to Spock? Would it be over?”

I opened my mouth. Closed it. “I don’t know.” And I realized I meant it. What would I do? I mean I thought Spock hung the moon or I thought I did, but then why in the world had I fucked someone else? What was even wrong with me?

“Well, you should spend some time thinking about it. Would one mistake Spock made when hurt or angry ruin everything for you? Is it unforgiveable to you? Because if it is, then you would have no right to expect it to be forgivable to him.”

At that I shook my head. Picked up my glass and took a swig of beer. “It is unforgiveable to Spock.”

“Do you know that?”

“He asked—”

“I know, I know, we’re back to that. For all your declarations of love to each other, I’m not sure the two of you have ever truly communicated. What your expectations are, what you want for the future. Whether you wanted a family.” She poured more beer from the pitcher into both our glasses. “Even what you plan to do after your careers at Starfleet are over. Jim, have you and Spock talked about any of that?”

I bit my lip and looked down at the table. “No. No, we haven’t.”

The pizza came then and though I was certain it would taste like cardboard or sawdust or something, it was surprisingly delicious, and I had devoured two pieces without even thinking about it.

“I’m not sure what made you two even think you were ready for a big step like marriage and a bond. Sexual attraction isn’t enough, Jim.”

“I know. I mean, I’m crazy about Spock. It’s not just the sex.”

“Maybe not, but something caused you to behave how you did. And until you analyze just what’s going on with you, Jim, you can’t possibly figure out what’s going on with Spock.”

After that I was tired of talking about me, we’d certainly done enough of that, maybe most of my life I had focused too much on me, which got me thinking, but instead I decided to turn off the ‘Story of Jim’, and ask her some questions.

“What’s going on with you and Rex?”

Mom blushed. “Oh that.”

My lips twitched. “Yeah, that. Is it serious?”

“Oh.” She sighed, blowing out a breath that fanned her hair. “I don’t know. It’s kind of soon. I like him.” She studied the slice of pizza on her plate. “But, um, I once liked…”

When she didn’t continue, I continued for her. “Frank,” I said softly.

“Uh-huh. And we know how that went.” She grimaced. “Not sure I have any right to give you advice of any kind about you and Spock.”

“Let’s not talk about that right now. Okay?”

“I’m sorry. I know you’re hurting.”

“Which I completely deserve.” Change of subject again. “Let’s go get ice cream cones after this.”

She smiled. “Yeah okay.”

And I couldn’t really make myself be cheerful, but I did manage a lame sounding, “Happy Mother’s Day.”

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