Author: ivansfanfiction

  • Not This Time

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    I should have told you…something. And now…it’s too late. My heart hurts so much. I can’t even breathe. I can’t even see past the tears. I feel so empty. Lost. Your face. Do you know? Do you even know what you were to me? I dreamed of tasting your lips. Touching your tongue with mine. Running my hands over your bare skin. It was not to be.

    “Doctor, we’re losing him!”

    “Damn it. Get out of the way. Get Spock out of here!”

    “No. Jim! I want—”

    Spock.

    Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeppppppppppppppppppppp

     

    Jim gasped as his lungs filled with air. He began to choke, leaning on the glass of the observation deck.

    What the fuck was that?

    “Captain? Are you all right, sir?” Ensign Davers was suddenly by his side, touching his arm.

    Was he? He didn’t know. He’d never spaced out like that before.

    “Yeah, fine. Thank you, Ensign.”

    Davers looked uncertain, but he nodded, practically clicked his heals and saluted, and excused himself from the observation deck.

    Maybe he was a little more apprehensive about the mission coming up then he’d thought. Which wasn’t exactly like him.

    Shaking his head, he decided it was time to return to his quarters and get some real rest.

    As he approached his door, he spotted Spock and Uhura in the hallway outside hers, a little ways down. She had her arms around his neck as usual. And his gut twisted, also as usual. Dumb, Jim.

    She kissed Spock on the corner of his mouth and then released him, entering her quarters. Spock turned and headed down the corridor toward Jim.

    “Captain.”

    “Commander.”

    “If you have time, I would like to discuss the parameters of the upcoming mission.”

    Jim shook his head. “Yeah. I don’t. Not really. I’m a little tired and kind of spacey.”

    Spock straightened minutely. “It will not take long.”

    Jim accessed his door. “All right.”

    Spock stepped in after him. “I recommend that you not be part of the landing party.”

    Jim pulled off his gold tunic. “Why?”

    “The mission does not require two senior officers. And since it is more a scientific mission, my presence is more logical.”

    Jim frowned.

    Spock stands in front of a native plant, scanning it. He begins to speak, “This is fascinating, Captain. The plant—”

    Jim sees the plant turn its-its head or bud or whatever and aim its spores right at Spock’s side, where his heart is.

    No.

    Jim pushes Spock out of the way and the spores hit him. He goes down.

    “Captain?”

    Jim looked at Spock. “I think Lieutenant Commander Morse can handle the mission. I want both of us to skip it.”

    “Captain—”

    “You have your orders, Commander.”

    “Very well,” Spock replied, but he was not at all pleased. Even for a Vulcan. He turned to leave.

    “Spock, I—”

    Spock turned back. “Captain?”

    “Nothing,” he said softly. “Goodnight.”

    “Goodnight.”

    And Spock was gone.

    Jim touched his fingers to his lips.

    I dreamed of tasting your lips. Touching your tongue with mine. Running my hands over your bare skin. It was not to be.

     

    *also posted on the archive

  • Ramblings of the Week, May 22, 2017

    Friday night we went over to the cousin’s place for dinner and a fire in her backyard fire pit afterward. I drank a little wine and forced myself to socialize.

    Saturday, we went to breakfast and then I spent most of the rest of the day doing whatever I wanted. We did get a new exercise bike and I have started that, I need to do something!

    In fact, the SO is going vegan. I am not, but I am changing a few things.

    Sunday was another nice day, though I did do laundry and went to the grocery store.

    This coming weekend is Memorial Day Weekend and I am looking forward to that greatly. I think we may be seeing King Arthur this Tuesday.

    To be updated next is still Anything, When I Began, and When I Fall in Love. I haven’t worked on any of them so who knows!

    Chris has been looking good as he’s been doing his Wonder Woman publicity stuff so I leave you with this.

    tumblr_oq9stwgfFc1vpocsro2_r3_500

  • A Little Break for the Soul

    Next up on what will Ivan update is Anything. And then probably my Cinderella story, When I Fall in Love. But I’ll be honest and say I don’t know when either of these will be updated. I am taking a bit of a break. I’ve been trying to take weekends off more and I still intend to do that that but I also think I need a few more days after that. I’m a little burned out, not necessarily from writing but from posting on there. I don’t want it to become like that other archive for me and a break must be had.

    Anyway, so I wanted to make that clear on here. I am not quitting or anything. Just taking a wee sabbatical. I don’t anticipate it being for too long.

    In the meantime, enjoy some scenery and have a great weekend.

     

     

  • Flash Fic Friday, May 19, 2017

    The conclusion of last week’s Flash Fic. This is the Make-Up

     

    Jim went right to his shower when he returned from the mission. Well, after Bones had dismissed him from the medbay. He was sore and sad and wanted to drown in the water spray.

    The mission had gone about as expected and there injuries but no fatalities at least. Jim’s injuries were perhaps the worst and even those weren’t that significant considering Bones had allowed him to go to his quarters.

    Jim had asked and, after a moment where Bones appeared to be very ready to argue, he’d looked at Jim’s face and acquiesced.

    He got out of the shower and pulled on pajama bottoms and a thin T-shirt. He was dog tired and extremely depressed. He missed Spock already and felt like a gigantic ass over their argument now. He’d fucked up. So badly that Spock had ended things between them.

    Jim leaned against the wall of the bathroom, trying to fortify himself to face his bedroom alone. After a couple of minutes, he inhaled and exhaled, and then opened the door.

    Spock stood there in the middle of his quarters.

    Jim swallowed down his panic, his heartache, and took a step forward. “Spock I—”

    “Jim.”

    All of a sudden Spock moved and they met somewhere in the middle and as Jim reached for Spock, Spock reached for Jim. Their lips crushed against each other and Jim let out a desperate little mewl.

    Spock’s arms came around him, holding him tight.

    “I love you so damn much,” Jim said wetly against Spock’s throat.

    “Ashaya,” he whispered.

    “I’m sorry.”

    Spock shook his head. “It is I who owe you the apology.” He pulled back and used his hand to tip Jim’s chin back so that their gazes met. “Do you forgive me?”

    “Always.” Jim may have hiccupped. “Don’t leave me like that again.”

    “I will not,” Spock promised. And he knew he could believe Spock, because his Vulcan would never promise something he would not keep. Spock’s gaze swept over him. “You were injured.” His thumb gently swept across Jim’s split lip.

    “Minor.”

    “I should have been there.”

    “You can’t protect me from everything.”

    “I wish to.”

    Jim smiled, his heart so much lighter than before. “I know. Will you stay with me? I’m so wiped out I think I’ll be asleep inside five minutes, but…please?”

    “I can be nowhere else.” Spock drew him close. “I belong at your side. And I will always care for you.”

    Jim closed his eyes as Spock lifted him into his arms as though he weighed nothing and carried him toward the bed. As Spock laid him down, his heart leapt in his chest. His lips curved. “I am gratified.”

  • Another Get to Know Me

    Got this from BlueMeetsGreen and Yaoichan.

     

    Relationship Status: Relationshiped

    Favorite color: Blue

    Lipstick or Chapstick:  Blistex

    Last song I listened to: Dumbledore’s Farewell from the Harry Potter movies 

    What I love doing:  Running around naked

    Kids or Fur babies:  Two cats

    Number of siblings:  3

    Person you person you last texted: SO

    Reasons to smile this week: Get to veg this weekend

    Worst habit(s):  I bite my fingernails, I am too sensitive to criticism

    Vacation destination(s) this year: Morro Bay, San Diego, Vegas and Yellowstone

    Last movie I watched:  Guardians of the Galaxy 2

    Top 3 Ships:

    Kirk/Spock

    Kirk/Spock Prime

    Aragorn/Arwen LOTR

    Top 3 Characters:

    1. Kirk
    2. Spock
    3. Bones
  • Ramblings of the Week, May 15, 2017

    ChrisPine2016pic2_large

    Managed to get the next chapter of My Devotion up just this morning. I started it on Friday but couldn’t get it done before today. So that’s a good thing to begin the week with.

    I plan to update and finish You Were Meant for Me by this coming weekend. Will Spock redeem himself? That remains to be seen.

    On Friday will be the conclusion of last week’s flash fic where are One True Pair broke up.

    Had a busy weekend of socializing. Went to a sort of party on Saturday but we were the only ones who showed up. We ended up drinking wine and eating pizza and spending way too much time there.

    Yesterday was a family BBQ for Mother’s Day and though we sat outside, it was too cold to actually swim in the pool. Usually it’s warm on Mother’s Day but not this year. But apparently next weekend we hit back in the 90s.

    I think I may be made to go to a retirement thing tonight for our mechanic who retired and sold the business. I don’t want to go, but I think the mister does and is pushing it.

    This weekend coming up I have no social obligations so I meant to lay around all lazy like. I shall be a Carpathian Prince.

     

  • Flash Fic Friday, May 12, 2017

    Kris and I decided to do the same prompt this week for our flash fics!

    This week’s prompt…A Break Up. it will conclude next week!

    “You know what? If you don’t like my command decisions, Commander, you can file a report,” Jim told Spock angrily. He pulled his gold shirt on over his head.

    “You are being unreasonable.” Spock’s tone was as cold as it ever got.

    “And illogical too,” Jim spat.

    “Yes.”

    Jim fixed his shirt and then tugged at the wrists. “See these stripes here? It means I’m the Goddamn Captain. I make the decisions.”

    “Even if they are clearly wrong.”

    “Even when they are clearly right.” Jim headed for the door of his quarters. “I don’t have time for this crap, Mister Spock. I’m due in the transporter room in less than five minutes.” He paused at the doorway, hands on hips, as he watched Spock going through the drawers and pulling out clothes. “What the hell are you doing?”

    “I am removing my belongings from your quarters,” Spock replied, his voice clipped.

    A muscle jumped in Jim’s jaw. “Oh. So that’s how it’s going to be, huh?”

    “Indeed.”

    “Well…good! Who asked you to move your stuff here anyway?” Jim snapped.

    Spock stiffened. Or got more stiff. And the blank look that fell over his face made Jim realize that he’d probably just pushed Spock too far. It was true that Jim hadn’t “officially” asked Spock, but for the last three months they’d spent all of their time in Jim’s quarters. Little by little Spock had begun to move belongings over for easier access. And in fact, his Vulcan lyre even now hung on Jim’s wall.

    “You are quite correct, Captain. You did not. My error.”

    Jim opened his mouth to say something. Take it back or whatever. But the words got stuck in his throat. He was still pissed. And not at all in the mood to placate Spock.

    Instead he crossed his arms in front of his chest and leaned against the wall. “So, this is it, then?”

    “Clarify.” Spock stepped over to the wall where his lyre was affixed and removed it.

    His chest suddenly tightened and he had to swallow a couple of times before he could say anything. It was hitting him that this was pretty damn serious. Irreparable even.

    “We’re breaking up.”

    He meant it to come out softly, wistfully, but somehow it came out much harsher than that. It sounded cold and heartless.

    “Affirmative,” Spock replied, his tone robotic and with a note of finality that made Jim’s heart squeeze. “I have sudden clarity at how much of a mistake it was to engage in such an inappropriate and one-sided relationship as this was.”

    “Inappropriate and one-sided? Wait, what?”

    “You are due in the transporter room.”

    “I know but—”

    “Now.” Spock straightened, all his belongings were held in his arms. And there were a lot, now that Jim stood there looking at him, holding everything. Three months’ worth of a life spent together. It had been stupid for Spock to go back and forth between their quarters. Or so it had seemed. “In fact, you are two minutes past schedule.”

    As if on cue, there was a boatswain’s whistle. “Scott to Captain Kirk.”

    “Kirk here.”

    “Landing party’s waiting, sir.”

    “I’ll be right there, Mister Scott.”

    Spock nodded stiffly. “I am due on the bridge. If you will excuse me, Captain.”

    Jim nodded back. “Sure.”

    Spock walked past him and into the corridor. Jim let door close in his own face. For longer than he should, he just stood there. He’d pushed things too far. He knew it. Pushed Spock away. But Spock had been in the wrong too. Maybe Jim overreacted. But then—

    Fuck it.

    It wasn’t like he’d ever expected this…whatever…with Spock to last. Of course it wasn’t going to. And anyway, this was for the best.

    One-sided.

    Just which side did that apply to?

  • Ramblings of the Week, May 08, 2017

    Well, clearly I didn’t get What Happened to Spock updated this past week. It’s on my list for this week though. I think after that it should be Forever I am With You for the week. That may be all you get out of me. We will see. I have a busy weekend ahead of me and when I have busy weekends I tend to get more lazy during the week.

    Had some car problems this past week and had to have Billy the car into the shop on Thursday. It cost me a bit of money but could have been much worse.

    Friday we had a party with friends over and much food but it also cost me the act of forcing myself to socialize. *shudder*

    I decided to DVR Chris’ time on SNL but I haven’t watched it yet. I’ve seen tons of stuff on it though. It always takes me a long time to watch stuff I’ve DVRd but I finally did see all the rest of the episodes of Grimm. Great show. Sorry to see it go.

    Redlands

    Sunday was busy as we had the one year birthday part of the Great Niece, Quinn. The niece and nephew (her parents) live two hours away so it was two hours there and two back. Last we saw them was at Christmas. She’s such a cutie, but the whole thing is a little exhausting.

    This weekend I have a party on Saturday and a family BBQ on Mother’s Day.

    It’s cooled down considerably and we even had a tiny touch of rain.

    Remember when I was worried about layoffs at my job? Didn’t get laid off. But I did get more work. So there you go! HA.

     

     

  • Flash Fic Friday, May 05, 2017

    Today’s prompt was Hurt/Comfort.

    It was a day like any other and it was stupid to think or feel otherwise. There was nothing special about it. Okay, well, there was to Jim. But not to anyone else. And most especially not Spock. In fact he’d think it was absurdly illogical for Jim to put any importance on it at all.

    So Jim had vowed to keep his remembrance of what day it was completely to himself. Silently he held a little reverence for it but that was it.

    And anyway, as days went, it ended up pretty much sucking.

    He’d been sitting on the bridge for a couple of hours before he first started feeling horrible. It started out with his stomach twisting painfully and then turned into a terrible nausciousness. By the time Bones notified him that Ensign Martell had brought back the Dorivian Flu from shore leave, Jim knew he was in trouble.

    He’d tried to ignore his ever worsening condition. Tried to hide it from those around him. But of course he couldn’t fool his first officer.

    “Captain.”

    Jim blinked rapidly and barely resisted running his hand over his face. He licked his lips. “Yeah?”

    “You are ill.”

    “No. No. No. I’m fine.”

    Spock arched a brow. “You most certainly are not.”

    “Seriously, babe, I’m fine.” Jim winced. He never called Spock an endearment on the bridge and Spock knew it.

    Spock hit the comm. “Spock to sickbay.”

    “McCoy here.”

    “The captain has the flu.”

    “I do not,” Jim protested.

    “Bring the idiot here. McCoy out.”

    Jim sighed and stood up and immediately fell into his first officer’s arms.

    ****

    “You’re an idiot,” Bones grumbled as he helped Jim into his bed in his quarters.

    “Yeah, yeah.”

    “You should have reported feeling sick earlier. Now I don’t have any beds.”

    “Suits me fine, I don’t wanna lie around the morgue.”

    “It’s sickbay.”

    Jim made a face as Bones fluffed up his pillows and pushed him against them. “Same thing.”

    “Not at all.” Bones stood back, hands on his hips. “I think you’ll live.”

    “This isn’t going to infect Spock, is it?”

    “Nah, they’re practically immune to everything. He’ll be fine. And it’s not like he’d stay away from you even if I told him to.”

    Jim smiled faintly. Even now he could feel a slight warm buzz in the back of his mind where his bond with Spock was.

    “Spit it out.”

    “What?”

    “You look all mopey.”

    Jim scowled. “I’m sick.”

    “Yeah, I know. But there’s something else.” Bones give him his best sympathetic look, which, of course, worked every time.

    “It’s stupid,” Jim admitted.

    “I’m sure it is. But what?”

    Jim stuck his mottled tongue out at Bones. “Today’s…our anniversary.”

    Bones frowned. “What anniversary? You only got bonded three months ago.”

    “Not that. Um. It was a year ago, um, you know.”

    “What?”

    “Bones.” Jim gritted his teeth. “The first time.”

    “The first time what?”

    Jim made a strangled noise.

    Bones laughed. “I totally knew what you meant. I was playing with you.”

    “Fucker.”

    “Sorry to spoil your fun, Jim, but no sex today. Probably not for a week or so.”

    “A week?”

    “Believe me, you won’t even want it.”

    The door to his quarters opened and Spock stepped in.

    “Your shift over?” Jim asked.

    “Indeed.” His gaze flicked to Bones.

    “Yeah, he’s fine. I was just leaving. Bed rest, Jim, for forty eight hours. Seventy two off duty.”

    “Seriously?”

    “Don’t I look serious?” Bones walked out without another word.

    Jim pouted. Spock didn’t seem to notice. He walked up to the top of the bed and re-fluffed Jim’s pillows the way he liked them fluffed.

    “Thanks, babe,” Jim said with a smile.

    “You are very pale.”

    “I feel like crap,” Jim admitted.

    “You should not have waited to advise me of your difficulties.”

    There was definitely admonishment there.

    “It came on all of a sudden.” Jim sighed. “I never really had much contact with Martell.”

    “You are sensitive to any ailments or allergens. He was probably on the same deck as you.”

    “Funny.” Jim huffed.

    “Are you hungry, ashayam?”

    “A little I guess. Bones says I can have broth.”

    Spock nodded. “I am aware. He sent me a list of limitations.” Spock went and fetched him broth from the replicator and then returned with it.

    Vegetable broth, Jim noted dryly.

    Spock sat on the edge of the bed. “You are agitated.”

    “Well.” Jim shrugged as he took a sip of the broth. “I hate being incapacitated.”

    “I know.” Spock reached for Jim’s hand. “And on our anniversary.”

    Jim’s eyes widened. “You-you know about that?”

    “We share our minds, ashal-veh,” Spock reminded him gently. “But you are correct.”

    “About?”

    “You are illogical.”

    Jim laughed. “I love you so much.”

    Spock’s lips curved ever so slightly. “I reciprocate.”