“You were not honest with me regarding your physical
state.”
Jim shrugged. “You had enough to deal with.”
“Nevertheless, I should have been informed.”
He looked away from Spock, because just then he felt
almost stupidly shy. Which probably was a little crazy. “Why is that?”
Spock took a long time to reply to that. Not especially long
for others, but long for Spock. He seldom struggled for words, generally
speaking his mind.
“We are engaged in a relationship,” was his quiet reply.
Jim’s gaze flitted back to Spock. “Are-are we? Still?”
“Explain.”
“Well.” Jim ran his hand down his chest over his heart. He
noted that Spock followed his every move. “I guessed perhaps given the way
things went down between us on the Enterprise—”
“You speak of my marooning you on Delta Vega.”
“No.” Jim shook his head. “I know I was insubordinate.
Although you wouldn’t listen at all.”
“I was angry.”
“Yeah, I know.
But even though, sure, I almost got eaten by two monsters down there—” Jim paused,
admittedly happy to see Spock wince—“but I met the other you who helped the
situation quite a bit, so no, I wasn’t talking about that.”
“My emotional compromise.”
“Mm.” Jim fell silent.
“I do not blame you for your reticence. I did physically
assault you.”
“Because I deliberately antagonized you.”
“Still, I am certain you did not expect the level of my violence.”
Jim couldn’t deny that, not really, so he didn’t. He looked
away again. “When I was a little boy, my stepfather used to hurt me. My mom got
rid of him, when she knew, but it wasn’t always easy.”
“Jim, I—”
“I know you’re nothing like Frank. I know that, Spock. But
up until that moment, you had never ever hurt me, and I guess when I set out to
emotionally compromise you, it hadn’t occurred to me that-that you could get
that way…with me. I expected you to flip out a little, sure, that was the
point. But if your dad hadn’t yelled, you might have actually…”
“Killed you.”
“Maybe. Yeah. And I’m still a little uneasy with that.”
Spock nodded. It was his turn to look away. “You wish to
end our relationship.”
“No. But don’t you?”
“No.”
“Spock, look at me. It’s okay.”
Spock did then, though there was a tremendous amount of
sorrow there.
“I know under ordinary circumstances you are not an abuser.
I know that. And nothing about any of that was ordinary. But I also know that you
and your whole family want to help with finding a colony for Vulcan, and considering
all that, if you’re leaving, it makes sense that our relationship ends. Doesn’t
it?”
He didn’t give a verbal reply, but he did nod.
Jim rubbed his chest again. His whole soul ached right now
really. But his chest was a place he could concentrate right now, over his
heart.
“Who am I to interfere? I’m going to be on the
Enterprise. And you’re going to be where
you need to be. Sometimes life just doesn’t work out the way we expected. That’s
the way it goes. The time we’ve had together has been the best ever. It has. And
I’m pretty sure I’m going to love you for a long time. But you’re needed
elsewhere.”
Spock pursed his lips, but said nothing. He leaned over,
though, and placed a chaste kiss on Jim’s forehead. “I-I have to…”
Jim nodded. “I know.”
The Vulcan turned then and left the hospital room without
another word. Jim stared at the now empty doorway. It would have been nice to
get even a slight argument from Spock, that Jim was wrong, they’d stay together
through anything, or even a declaration of undying love from Spock, but Jim
should have known better. Those kinds of things happened to other people.
A few minutes later, Bones came in bearing a tray of food.
None of it looked like hospital food, Jim noted. There was a hamburger and
fries, carrot cake, and a chocolate shake.
He frowned. “Where did this all come from?”
“Went out and got it.”
“Oh.” Jim nodded. “Thanks. Thanks, Bones.”
“Listen, Jim. Are you all right?”
He smiled. “Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”
Bones made a face and sat down on the edge of the bed. “I
saw Spock leave. Things didn’t look good.”
“Oh. That. It’s, um, it’s over.” He shrugged.
“I’m sorry, Jim.”
“Sorry?” Jim laughed. “I thought you’d be happy or at
least say I told you so.”
“I don’t ever want you to be hurt.”
“I know.” His smile fell away. “But I knew it would never
last, right? I mean what would a Vulcan see in someone like me? I’m as
illogical as they come, Bones. We both know that.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you at all, Jim.”
He looked at the food. “This looks great, Bones. Thank you.
I’m sure this is against some kind of regulation.”
Bones smiled, squeezed Jim’s arm. “Probably. Eat. And I’ll
come back and check on you in a bit.”
Jim took a big bite to show Bones he was eating. Then he
put it back on the plate when Bones was gone. Closed his eyes.
“Bye, Spock.”
