Or so the saying went, I thought. Something like that.
Mom gave me a funny look whether I got the saying right or not.
I couldn’t entirely blame her. Mother’s Day had been yesterday. I was supposed to make it to take her to a fancy brunch in San Francisco’s Starlight Hotel. We had reservations at 2:00.
She finally texted me she was leaving brunch at 3:30. She’d had it…by herself.
“I’m really sorry,” I told her as I hugged her. “Things got really crazy. The meeting went way too long.” I jingled the small gift bag I held. “A gift card for a spa treatment.”
She took the bag from me but I could tell she wanted to roll her eyes at me. A spa treatment wasn’t really her thing, but she stuffed it into her purse. “Thank you, honey.”
“Want to go to dinner?” I offered, somewhat lamely.
“Have you got time?”
“I’ll make time.” I linked my arm with hers and turned her so that she was walking down the street with me. “How does Carlos’ sound?”
“Mm. Good. I love Mexican food. No Spock?”
“Sometimes the whole mother thing gets to him,” I admitted. “He really misses her even though he tries to pretend it doesn’t mother him that much. He was having a video conference with Sarek.”
“That’s good. How are things going with you two? Are things okay?”
We’d reached Carlos’ so I opened the door for her to go in before me.
“Yeah. I mean he’s still a little weird about the whole PF thing.” I grinned. “I told him I was fine but…”
“He worries.”
“Yeah. I don’t think it’ll take him the whole next seven years but you never know. He’s not always as logical as he thinks.” I laughed then and held up two to the hostess who then led us to a table.
After we settled and we’d both ordered margaritas, she reached for my hand and squeezed it.
“I’m very happy to see you. It’s been a long time.”
“I know, I’m sorry. I’ll try to do better. And Happy Belated Mother’s Day.”
“Definitely better late than never.”
And after a while, maybe the margaritas helped, we got a little less stiff and awkward and begain to get easier with each other. I still felt bad about brunch and Spock not coming along and probably the spa gift card, but it was good.We were good.
“I’m sorry I ruined our wedding,” Jim rasped out. He felt hot and cold at the same time.
Surprisingly considering he had a gaping wound in his side it didn’t really hurt.
Spock knelt beside him, covered in red blood. One had rested on Jim’s arm and the other near his face.
“You did not ruin anything,” Spock said. “Save your strength.”
Jim could only vaguely remember things. Getting speared in the side. Standing beside Spock. Saying vows. The wrong order though, right?
“C-cold,” Jim stuttered, suddenly feeling as though he must have frostbite.
Spock looked over his shoulder. “Ensign Evening, please bring over the emergency blanket.”
A moment later Jim saw a female officer wearing a blue science dress hand Spock something. She looked down at Jim with deep concern and he attempted to give her a reassuring smile.
He didn’t remember her being at the wedding ceremony but he supposed his memory was compromised by his wound.
“Shh, rest easy,” Spock said, gently. He tucked the blanket around Jim. “Close your eyes, Jim. Try to rest while we wait for transport.”
Jim nodded or he thought he did. He closed his eyes.
“Commander, why does he think—”
“Silence, Ensign.”
“Y-Yes, sir. Sorry.”
Jim opened his eyes to see only Spock there, hovering over him. “Shouldn’t it hurt> I can’t really feel anything.”
“At the moment I am absorbing most of your discomfort.”
“You-you shouldn’t.”
“It is no hardship.”
He tried to snort but wasn’t sure what it sounded like. “Am I gonna die, Spock?”
“Not on my watch, Captain.”
“Good. I really want that honeymoon.”
“As do I. Sleep. When you wake you will be on the Enterprise.”
He nodded and closed his eyes again.
Jim opened his eyes to Bones running a scanner over him. To Jim’s surprise Bones half-smiled.
“Welcome back.”
“Enterprise?”
“Yep. You’re going to live. Thanks to Spock.”
“Where is he?”
“Here, Captain.”
Bones moved away for a moment and was replaced by Spock who looked like every hair was in place. Jim sort of remembered he’d been covered in blood last he saw him.
“Everything okay?”
“It is now.”
Jim smiled. “I think Bones has pumped me full of happy juice.”
“Indeed. And when you have recovered I believe there is something we need to discuss.”
Jim opened the door to his dorm to his “bestie” Leonard “Bones” McCoy.
“Here.”
Bones thrust a paper bag into Jim’s hands and then brushed past him and into the dorm.
“What is this?” Jim asked, opening the bag to peer in.
“Custard filled donuts. And don’t eat them all at once. You shouldn’t be eating them at all. You should be eating salad. Or broccoli.”
“Salad or broccoli flavored donuts suck.”
“Har har. Where’s the coffee?”
“Haven’t made it yet.”
Bones frowned. “Didn’t you remember we were having breakfast this morning?”
“Well, see, uh, Yesterday, I kind of talked to Spock about—”
“Oh, good. So you got that straightened out, right? You’re definitely better without—”
Just then Spock emerged from the bedroom area of Jim’s dorm. To Jim’s amusement he was wearing Jim’s own robe and his hair was still quite messy. It was a very good look on him, Jim thought.
“Good morning, Doctor,” Spock said cooly.
When Spock came near, Jim put his hand on Spock’s arm and smiled.
“As I was saying, I talked to Spock yesterday about our relationship and he ended up spending the night. I did forget about breakfast. Sorry, Bones. I’ll get that coffee going right now.”
Bones stared at them. “You know what? Three’s a crowd. So Why don’t we make it another day?”
“You don’t have to leave. Now I feel bad.”
“Don’t. It’s fine, Jim. You deserve, uh, well, you know, if this is what you want, I support you.”
Jim smiled. “Thanks, Bones.”
When Bones was gone, he closed and locked the door, and faced Spock.
Spock quirked a brow. “I believe your plan was to show me another one of your secret talents.” Jim laughed and flung himself into Spock’s arms. “Yep. Let’s go back to bed.”
Don’t have time for much this week but you can have this today
He didn’t know when it became more than just the best sex of his life, and that was saying a lot, by the way. He’d convinced himself that’s all it was. Jim Kirk didn’t fall in love. That was definitely for suckers.
What did love do anyway but break hearts and ruin lives?
But one day after Spock had left Jim’s bed, Jim continued to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling and wish that Spock would suddenly turn around and come back to stay in bed with him rather than leave Jim to face getting up alone and feeling vaguely cheap.
Stupid, maybe. But there it was.
And later that same week, he watched Spock openly flirt with someone else, yeah he hadn’t known Spock flirted until it became obvious to him that Spock was acting to someone else the way he did with Jim.
Jim had seen green through his suddenly green-eyed monster self.
After that he started avoiding Spock because he just didn’t want to deal with it. Deal with his obvious unrequited love.
Because yes, Jim did love Spock and only wanted to be with him. Clearly Spock didn’t feel the same.
He even ignored messages from Spock. He was going to have to eventually deal with telling Spock it was over between them but he wanted to avoid it as long as he could.
He was already late to class when he opened his dorm door to find Spock standing there. He was dressed in his instructor’s uniform.
“Oh. Morning.”
“Can we talk?” Spock asked.
“I’m late for—”
“Please.”
Jim stepped back and let Spock inside. “Okay. Well, I hoped to avoid this for a while longer but…” He sighed. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
Spock’s face remained blank but he said, “I do not understand.”
Jim nodded. “I know. It’s just…my feelings have changed.”
“Changed?”
“I’m wanting something more than casual. I’m sorry if I had known…I thought I was being honest when I said I didn’t want anything serious. I was at the time. But since I’m emotionally involved now I think it’s best to end things.”
Spock stared at him.
Jim opened his mouth. His heart was pounding. “Look, Spock—”
“I am emotionally involved too.”
“What?”
“I do not seek a casual relationship with you either. I did not know how to tell you. I feared if I did you would not see me at all.”
Jim blinked, took that in, trying to change his brain and heart from thinking the end to something way more positive.
“Uh.”
Spock exhaled. “I apologize for keeping you from your class.”
Jim smiled, walked over to Spock, and kissed him. “I think I’m going to miss it.”
Jim sat straight up, gawking at the figure sitting on the edge of the bed.
“Sp-pock?”
Then he threw his arms around Spock as Spock’s arms came around his. Spock’s arms tightened and held him very close.
Tears sprung to Jim’s eyes before he could stop them. A gasping sob escaped.
“I am here, Jim, I am here,” Spock whispered.
“Are you even real?”
Spock pulled away but only to frame Jim’s face with his hands so that he could kiss him. Spock’s warm lips crushed his, kissing him as though he needed to make up for a year’s time.
Spock broke the kiss, panting. “I am real.”
“But…how are you here? I thought…”
“I could not leave you, Jim. You are my T’hy’la. My bondmate. You are…everything. I have spent the last year trying to find a way for us to be together. My brother was working on a way to help me.”
“I’m going crazy, Spock. I don’t want to live like this.”
“Nor do I.” Spock put his hand on Jim’s face and in a moment Jim felt a burst of warmth and then so much love and tenderness.
“Is that the bond?” he asked, awed.
“Yes, ashayam. I unshielded. I will never keep you out of my mind again.” He blew out a long breath and leaned their heads together. “No matter how we live it must be together.”
Jim swallowed and nodded. “God, it feels so good to have you here.” More tears fell down his cheeks. “If this is a dream, I never want to wake.”
“I must concur. But if it is a dream, we are both having it.”
Spock kissed him again. “Will you come with me?”
“To the future?”
“Yes. I do not wish to take you from your family, however—”
“They’ll be okay.” Jim felt his pulse racing. “Dad knows. We’ve talked. Mom and Sam don’t, but I think Dad would tell them, I don’t know, but he said they’d all be okay. Spock, I could do it. I can go with you.”
“The other way that we have figured out is to have me stay here, with you in this time.”
Jim frowned. “How would that work? I mean with your different physiology.”
“Leonard McCoy. He said if the only way was for me to come here to be with you, he would come here too, to be my doctor.”
Jim blinked, startled. “Yeah?”
“Yes, Jim. Whichever way we choose, there will be times when we could use the technology my brother has developed to cross over to either the past or the future. Not often, not even as much as every year, but it could be done.”
“Not without risk though,” Jim guessed.
“Yes, there is still the chance something could go wrong.” Spock took Jim’s hands in his. “The choice is yours, T’hy’la. For me, the choice is to be with you, wherever you wish. Where I am from is more familiar to me, but I can adjust to anything, do anything, to be with you.”
Jim pulled away and rose. He ran his hand over his face. “I need coffee.”
Spock got up too. “Come.”
They left the bedroom and went out to the kitchen of Spock’s apartment. Jim silently made a pot of coffee, his mind a whirl of thoughts, mostly confusing ones.
“What do you want?” he asked Spock, when he turned from the coffeemaker after he set it to brew.
“To be with you.”
“Me too. Do they have coffee there?”
Spock smiled slightly. “They do, yes.”
Jim closed his eyes. “My family and friends are here. Your family and friends are there.”
“Yes.”
“Here you would always have to hide your true self, there I would have no idea what’s going on, really. But I could learn.”
“Here the weather is good, there it sucks.”
Spock chuckled softly, making Jim’s eyes open in surprise.
“Pros and Cons,” Jim explained. “I can’t help but go through them.”
“I understand.”
“You would outlive me.” He got that thought from Spock. For he’d somehow been given the knowledge that Vulcans outlived Humans by a number of years. “When I die, if you were here, you’d be able to go back there.”
“Theoretically.”
“Theoretically,” Jim agreed. “I don’t know what to do, Spock.”
Spock sighed, it was soft and low. He nodded. “Then allow me to choose for you, ashayam. We will stay here on Earth. In your time. Doctor McCoy will come here as our friend and my doctor. And you will have your friends and family with you.”
“But that’s not fair.”
“What is not fair is to be apart. Everything else is workable, Jim. I want your choice to make you happy.”
The coffee had finished so Jim turned and filled his mug with coffee. It was the Dad mug Jim had found so long ago now. It seemed an eternity but really wasn’t and even though it kind of felt like it, he had not loved Spock for an eternity.
He took a few sips of coffee.
“This place, this city…it’s my home.”
Spock nodded.
Jim set his coffee mug down.
“But my home is you now, Spock. I want it to be. I love you. What we have, I think, is the love of a lifetime. I feel you everywhere. This…” He gestured around. “This is my old life. My future is you. With you…in the future.”
Spock’s warm chocolate eyes gazed at Jim intensely. “Are you sure, T’hy’la?”
Jim smiled and kissed him. “I’m sure.”
Spock drew him close and into his arms once more. “You’re my future too.”
No matter how many times Jim came to the Starfleet Memorial Cemetery in San Francisco, it never failed to not only fill him with sorrow but give him the chills. So many lives lost and each year more appeared.
He went to his father’s memorial first. It was a plaque only, there’d been no remains to bury or cremate.
He didn’t linger there long as he’d never known his dad, really. Just the idea of a dad and stories his mother told him.
Pike was next. There he stayed longer, but he didn’t speak. Really, he never spoke much when he came here. It was just, when he was in the city, he came, to honor those he knew and came before him.
He stopped at others…Gaila, Chekov, both far too young.
Komack.
And then finally, Scotty, Sulu, Uhura.
Bones.
Having super blood meant you outlived everyone else, Jim guessed. There were some things that were not worth it.
Jim turned to face Spock, who accompanied him. His dark eyes were soft, warm, and likewise filled with sorrow.
“Thanks for coming with me,” he whispered.
“I always will. Our transport to New Vulcan awaits.”
Jim had no idea why he was there. It was stupid and pointless. He knew that.
After he had returned to his time, without Spock, he’d gone to Spock’s apartment and found all that Spock had left behind. Even now it was empty, not rented by anyone else, because Spock had, apparently paid the rent well in advance, not wishing to bother with it. He’d been gone a year, and yet according to Jim’s now former apartment manager, the place was still leased for another six months.
Jim came there to this apartment in San Francisco every once in a while. Just to remind himself of Spock and yes, he knew it was crazy.
Here he was again. Just sitting on the couch, staring into space, wishing for something he couldn’t have.
He’d made himself coffee with the coffeemaker Spock bought for him. And that hurt his heart, to remember that.
When he came here, he brought food with him, cream for his coffee, and just soaked it up, he guessed.
Jim was pretty sure his dad understood. But he knew he got strange looks from Sam and his mom. Once Sam told him that he needed to move on and find love elsewhere, but Jim knew that wasn’t going to happen. Not for him.
Sometimes, Jim tried to reach Spock with his mind but nothing ever happened, and he knew Spock had somehow “shielded” things between them anyway.
Hope sprang eternal or so the saying claimed but he was fast losing any hope he’d ever had, which admittedly hadn’t been much.
With another six months on the lease here, Jim had to make the decision whether to continue coming or just give up. He’d never been one to give up before, but this situation was different. Spock was in the future and for all Jim knew he had forgotten there was any past.
I do not belong there, in your time.
Spock had made his position pretty clear. And he’d also made sure to have Jim go back to his time. Perhaps Spock paid more attention to Sarek than Jim thought he would.
He leaned his head back against the couch.
“This is stupid. You’re an idiot. Coming here for an entire year to an empty place that doesn’t even have a trace of Spock in it.”
Jim had spoken out loud.
There was no response, of course.
****
Jim woke in the dark sometime later, stretched out on his back on Spock’s bed. Next to the bed, on the floor, was an empty pizza box. Jim had pathetically stuffed his face before lying down.
He had no idea what had awakened him, so he stayed still, listening. It was pitch black and he couldn’t see a thing. He’d left his cell phone on the table by the bed, so he reached blindly for it and activated it so he’d have a light.
He found a text from Sam.
Hey, are you doing okay?
It came through hours ago. He’d call Sam in the morning.
After a bit, he closed his eyes again, not able to figure out what woke him.
He slept again fitfully.
When he woke again, it was to fingers stroking across his face.
Jim blinked rapidly.
“Shh. T’hy’la, it is all right.”
One more to go, either tomorrow or Tuesday…we will see.
Jim peered up at his dad from his position on the ground next to the cabernet grapes. There was a small patch of dying grass, there was a drought you know, and Jim was lying on his back, staring up at the sky.
“Looking for me?”
“Yup.”
George Kirk lowered himself to the ground next to Jim. He moved easily now. Absolutely no sign of heart trouble. And damn Jim was grateful for that. He really was.
His dad put his hand on Jim’s leg. “How are you doing?”
It was on the tip of his tongue to say, ‘right as rain’, but he choked on the words, and anyway there was nothing right about the lack of rain these days so it didn’t apply.
Instead he shook his head.
“Listen, I don’t know what all went on a year ago,” he dad admitted. “I feel great. I was pretty sure I was going to die.”
“I’m really glad you didn’t.”
“Me too. But it cost you something, didn’t it?” His dad’s tone was gentle.
“No. That didn’t. What cost me is…I just…I didn’t fight for what I wanted, Dad. I just gave up and let someone decide what was best for me.”
“Maybe you can change that.”
Jim laughed without mirth. “No, I can’t. Of all the things that can be changed in the universe, Dad, that’s the one thing I can’t change.”
George was quiet for a while. “I remember some things I am not sure I am supposed to.”
“Yeah?”
“When I was in the hospital, I remember you sitting with me. I was pretty out of it, but you were telling me something.”
Jim nodded.
“About Spock.”
He sighed. “You should probably try to forget what I told you, Dad.”
“Was it true? What you said? Spock’s an alien from another world? Another time?”
“Dad—”
“I’m remembering right, aren’t I? Jim, I remember being in some other hospital bed with strange machinery and a completely different doctor.”
“Doctor McCoy,” Jim said softly.
“Then I’m not crazy.”
“Not unless both of are.” Jim sat up so that he sat side by side with his dad. “I took you to Spock’s world and Spock’s time, which is in the future, and they had advanced medicine and they saved your life.”
George frowned. “And that’s why it seemed like my heart hadn’t been damaged.”
“Yeah. Only…I wanted to stay with Spock. Spock and I…we had the love of a lifetime, I guess, I don’t know. We were soulmates. But he saw how much you all meant to me and told me I should come back here and live my life and basically forget about him and never see him again. His dad was big on not changing the future when changing the past, that kind of crap.”
“So you came back here.”
“Yes.”
“And now you’re miserable.”
Jim shook his head. “Not miserable. Exactly.”
“You quit your job in San Francisco to come stay here with us. That was what Sam wanted, though, not you.”
Jim shrugged. “It’s beautiful here. It’s not a hardship. But…my friend Nyota got married last week to the guy she’d wanted and the crazy thing is she was getting with him when I was seeing Spock and…it makes me a little sad. I’ll-I’ll get over it. Because I have to, Dad. He’s in the future in a place I can’t go.”
“Nothing is truly hopeless, Jim.”
“Yeah right.” Jim snorted. “My alien boyfriend from the future is never coming back. And the problem is, I don’t want to be with anyone else.”
“If I could help you, I would, son. But you should know that we would be all right, you know, if that opportunity ever came up again, your mom and me and Sam with Aurelan and their baby, Peter. We’d be all right.”
Jim smiled and wiped at his eyes. “Thanks, Dad. But it’s just too late.”
Spock felt Jim’s distress pouring off of him. It lead to Spock feeling distressed in reaction. Thus, definitely the problem with having your T’hy’la bond with a Human.
He could shield and that would make Jim’s emotional state less of a burden to him, but Spock didn’t really wish to do that. Not at this point.
But as Spock watched Jim anxiously standing by his father’s bed as Leonard McCoy treated him, Spock knew what he would have to do. The sacrifice he would have to make.
It would tear him apart, but for Jim, yes.
Spock put his hand on Jim’s back to get his attention, then turned him to face him, stepping away from where McCoy worked for just a moment.
“Jim, we need to talk.”
Jim licked his lips and then glanced back at his father. “Okay.” He nodded.
“When your father has been cured, you need to return to your time with him.”
Jim did not respond but was looking at Spock.
Here was the hard part.
“And I must stay here.”
“What?” Jim whispered.
“Your family is very important to you, Jim. You love them and they love you. You have a rare, very close relationship. Your life is full and rich and everything you want it to be.”
“Except without you.”
“I cannot come with you,” Spock made himself say. “I want to be with you, I love you, and that will never change.” Spock shook his head. “It amazes me that in the little amount of time I have known you, you have come to mean so much. But I do not belong there, in your time.”
“Spock—”
“Always having to hide myself, worrying about exposure as to who and what I am. Your world is not yet ready for me. And I cannot ask you to leave your family behind to stay here with me. This is not your life; your life is there.”
“I-I could do it,” Jim insisted.
“You shouldn’t have to.”
Jim’s eyes were filling with tears, which was making it even more difficult for Spock.
“But your T’hy’la bond, don’t you need it?”
“It’s mere existence is a comfort to me. Before you leave, I will shield both of our minds to lessen any trauma or distress brought on by separation. It will be easy for you and quite manageable for me.”
“You think this is going to be easy for me?” Jim asked, choking up. “Nothing about any of this is easy. Telling me we’ll never see each other again, but hey, it’s okay, Jim because I can shield myself from you? That may work for your brain, Spock, but it sure as hell won’t work for my heart!”
“Jim—” Spock let out a shaky breath. “You know yourself that you do not want to simply disappear from your family without knowing what happened to you. You’ve said as much and I know how you feel.”
Jim closed his eyes and a tear squeezed out of his eye onto his cheek. “I get it. I understand what you’re telling me. But I want you to know, this is anything but easy.”
“I am sorry.”
Jim shook his head. “Me too.”
“Jim, only a few more minutes,” McCoy said from by the bed.
Jim embraced Spock then, holding him close, and letting the tears fall. “I don’t want this.”
“I know, T’hy’la. I do not either.”
Spock put his hand on Jim’s face.
“Will shielding hurt? I mean…physically.”
“Negative.” And yes, it will be excruciating, Spock thought.
Jim leaned his head on Spock’s shoulder.
Spock probed Jim’s mind and placed a shield there so being apart would do not damage to Jim’s mind. He did the same for his own, though he knew it would not be enough to dull the pain and torment of not being with his T’hy’la.
And some day, if he entered Pon Farr…but no, he would not think of that. It did not matter. Only ensuring Jim would have what he needed was important.
It was the best he could do under the circumstances, but already he felt the loss of the comfort of Jim’s mind with his. He could no longer feel Jim’s deeper emotions, only surface ones where he touched.
“Jim,” McCoy called.
Jim pulled back and kissed Spock.
Amazingly, Spock let him go and walk away. He was uncertain how he managed it.
Jim went to his father’s bedside.
“He’s fine now. He’ll recover,” McCoy assured Jim. “Heart’s good as new. You may have to explain that miracle—”
“Okay.”
“If you’re going with him,” Leonard said, with a glance at Spock, who nodded, “sit on the bed and hold onto him. That way you should both transport.”
Jim did as Leonard said, but he didn’t look at Spock. For that Spock was grateful, for he might beg Jim to stay after all.
“Okay, Sybok, they’re ready,” Leonard said into the comm.
George Kirk opened his eyes and looked around. “Jim? Who are—”
Spirk (with a small dose of Pinto) 