I had requests for pictures, so I have posted some here. This was from our wine tasting day hosted by sister’s friend
Red red wine
Yes, that garden stake you saw in Friday’s flash is something I ordered. From Hobby Lobby (don’t judge me lol)
I have officially started my week’s vacation as of now.
Sister has a friend who has some money and tomorrow we are going to three wineries she is a member of and doing some tasting as well as a picnic outdoors. For dinner she is a member of a yacht club so we are dining there at their restaurant. It’s good to have friends richer than you.
This week I go with my sister to that casino and hotel in San Diego. I think we will have great fun.
I myself also joined a wine club. You get shipments three times a year. It’s one of my favorite wineries up north. That’s just a random side note.
It’s funny how the strangest things and memories and thoughts can set you off to weeping over your lost loved one.
Ma used to keep stashes of money. She played bingo weekly, loved Vegas, and until she had dementia went with my sister to the Native American casinos. She was pretty lucky too. So she kept stashes of money. If you went with her, and you gave her a sad face that you were out of money, she would take out her stash and pluck some bills for you. She could be super generous obviously.
Anyway, my sister came across some of her stash yesterday, another $200 in her underwear drawer in her closet. She gave me $100 and kept the other for herself. This made me cry. This was my mother’s money, she should be the one spending it. My mother, that is. And yes, I 100% know she has passed away from this life, I hope to a better one. At the very least she is out of pain. But this was her money and it makes me sad to get it. It just does. And I’m having a lot of weird guilt over it.
So yes, I am still struggling with grief.
Thanks for listening.
Jim stopped his hover car in front of the farmhouse. For a moment, he just sat there. It wasn’t as though he was afraid to get out or anything. Or even actually afraid of his husband. He wasn’t. That would be categorially stupid. Spock wouldn’t hurt him for anything. Excepting of course that incident long ago before they really even knew each other.
He pursed his lips and opened the door. Because yeah, he was no coward. Even if he was about to be lectured.
Vulcan disapproval was sharper than any other.
Speaking of, his wonderful husband had just opened the front door to peer out at him as he went to the trunk of the hover car to get his purchases.
“What did you get?” Spock asks, as he steps off the steps toward the car. He knows Spock will offer to carry everything.
“Oh, uh. You know this and that.”
“This and…that?”
His shoulders slumping slightly, Jim smiled. “Groceries, of course.”
Spock looks at Jim and then into the trunk. “And?”
He shifts. “They, uh, they had their autumn stuff out already at the store.”
When he was a kid they hardy ever got to decorate anything, and sure he’s overcompensating. He knows.
Spock’s glance moves back to Jim’s face. “You already have a lot of fall decorations, Jim.”
“I know, I agree.” His face is flushed red. He knows it is. And some of it is shame and that doesn’t feel good. “They had this pumpkin garden stake with a crow on it and I, uh, I really liked it. So I got it.”
He lifts it out of the trunk to show it to Spock, who is, of course, unimpressed.
“You have ten pumpkin garden stakes.”
Jim nodded.
“Five scarecrow garden stakes. Several Halloween garden stakes. Even a couple with leaves and turkeys.”
Jim looks away. He thinks about how he’s probably going to have to take this garden stake back. Because Spock isn’t wrong.
Suddenly Spock’s hand, gentle as can be, touches his jaw, and bids him look. “One more garden stake is perfect. I know just the spot we can put it.”
He blinked for a few seconds, and then warmth infuses him. “Yeah?” He is nearly breathless.
“I love you.”
“As much as you love fall?”
Jim laughed. “Yeah. Maybe a little more.”
In the early days of their relationship, he didn’t really notice it. Love is blind they say, and he certainly was as fully in love as anyone ever was.
But after they bonded and married, he’d noticed it. Oh, it was minor. A mere insignificant thing and he would never mention it to anyone, including his love.
His love was still absolutely brilliant. Beyond brilliant. And such tiny inconsistencies were nothing. There was the old tale of the absentminded professor, and he was certain that applied.
And it was never every time, anyway.
A missing number in a report that should have been there. Nothing really, it could have been missed by anyone, and the fact that it was missed by him, that was why he paid attention to it.
Truthfully, it was endearing.
And he did not know why.
So, he’d taken to going into these reports and other things and adding it himself. He had the same accesses and same passwords to accounts his love did. They were bondmates after all. No real secrets existed.
Except perhaps this. If he knew that these things were being corrected, he never let on.
Much later, when they retired from Starfleet and went to live together in San Francisco, and they both took up teaching at the Academy, it was even more minor things.
Their apartment number left off an address when he ordered something. As it was now.
With a shake of his head, he read the notice from the shipping company that they needed a unit number as it had been left off the order form.
He added the unit number, saved the address, and closed the site.
The door to the apartment opened only moments later. He stood and gave his husband a kiss. Sweet, gentle, and welcomed.
“Did my order arrive yet from the teashop? I placed it some time ago and it has still not arrived.”
He smiled, pulled him close, and said, “I’m sure it will soon, Spock. It’s likely on its way, even now.”
And yes, his absolutely stunningly brilliant husband who had an incredible memory was not perfect. He was okay with that. More than okay.
Because, yes, he was perfect after all.
And yes, the damn thing posted before I wanted it too, grrrrrr
So coming up this month, the week of August 16th, I’ll be going away. No, no, not permanently.
But I have that week off and my sister and I are taking a trip to Valley View in San Diego County. This trip is for her, honestly. Just as the one in June really was. For a couple of years as my mother’s health declined and the pandemic hit, my sister cared for her and couldn’t do much of anything. She loved to go to Vegas and casinos etc. My mother did too. And all of that stopped.
Anyway, I picked the casino we would because I love the hotel with its free sit down breakfast and infinity pool. It overlooks the mountains and as I have sat there in the past in the patio area, I feel at peace. There are a handful of places I feel this sense of peace and that is one of them.
We planned this trip back in June before Delta. We are both fully vaccinated and plan to wear masks around others. This helps with the smoke too. Is it the ideal time? No. But life does and must go on, so we are going and taking every precaution we can. I feel fairly sure that I am way more anxious about it than she is, but that is the story of my life. I have plenty of anxiety for both of us.
Anyway, I hope to have my three flashes done for that week and prescheduled, but it’s likely I won’t be responding to comments. At least right away.
That’s my story
“What did you want to say to me?”
Jim’s expression is open and inviting. Warm even. It is encouraging.
“It is a personal matter,” Spock explains.
“Yeah?” There is no change in Jim’s expression. It remains pleasing. “Go ahead, I’m all ears.”
A curious Human idiom that Spock ignores. Jim uses it frequently.
“I have…come to the conclusion I have developed a close romantic attachment to…a member of the crew.”
He falters here and he is aware of it. Even with the warmth encouragement Jim gives him, Spock finds it difficult to express such emotional thoughts out loud. He’s spent too long suppressing them. Made aware they are a weakness.
“A member of the crew,” Jim says slowly, nodding. “And not Uhura because you guys broke up, right?”
“Yes, Jim. It is not Nyota, though she has encouraged me in my pursuit of…the individual.”
Jim smiles faintly. “I see. Well, if it’s Nurse Chapel, you’ll not only make her day but her lifetime, I’m guessing.”
Spock is aware Jim is joking, trying to lighten things. But he is also aware that the ship believes Nurse Chapel has a crush on Spock. Perhaps she does, but it is not something Spock considers serious nor a matter for humorous speculation.
“It is not the nurse,” Spock corrects. “My sexual interests are in the pursuit of male companions,” he attempts to explain.
Jim’s expression clouds then. Like he is unsure what Spock means, but then it clears, and he nods again. “But you were with Uhura.”
“Yes, but it was during our relationship it became clear to me that my preference was for males.”
“Okay.”
Spock exhales. He has been stalling and for no good reason.
“Jim, my romantic affection is directed toward you.”
Jim’s warmth openness abruptly changes. His expression suddenly goes blank, and his blue eyes no longer hold the sun in them. They are not exactly icy, but they chill Spock, nonetheless.
“Spock.” Jim purses his lips. “I…you’re my friend. I adore you. I don’t know what I’d do without you, you know that. I’ve told you dozens of times. But I…I don’t feel that way toward you. I’m sorry.”
And just like that, Spock’s heart, beating in his side, shrivels and dies. Jim is shaking his head and talking, saying nothing has to change between them due to Spock’s ill-advised declaration, but it is a lie and they both know it. Everything has changed.
And Spock begins to reconsider his decision not to go to New Vulcan.
Spock wakes with a pained gasp. His quarters are dark and the temperature not ideal.
“Computer, lights on and temperature raised twenty degrees,” he said, his own voice hoarse, rough.
Very slowly, Spock returns his breathing to normal. He has not made the mistake of revealing his love for Jim. It was merely a dream.
Impulsively, Spock gets up, dresses in his uniform, and makes his way to Nyota’s quarters.
It takes a moment, but she lets him in, having pulled a robe around her regulation red pajamas.
“Spock? What is it?”
“I apologize for disturbing your rest.”
She puts her hand on his chest and smiles. “No, it’s all right. You want some tea? What’s happened?”
Nyota brings him tea without him responding to her query and they sit on her sofa. Part of him feels foolish, though he knows she wouldn’t judge him.
“I told the captain…Jim how I felt, and he doesn’t reciprocate.”
She frowns. “What? Are you sure? I thought he—”
Spock shakes his head.
“When? When did you tell him? And tell me exactly what he said.”
“It was a dream,” Spock admits.
“Oh Spock, then you’re fine. That’s just because you were anxious, so your mind made up a nightmare. Jim is not going to reject you.”
“What if it wasn’t?”
“I don’t understand,” she says.
“What if it is a …premonition.”
She gave him a look. “Have you ever been clairvoyant before?”
“No.”
“Well then…”
“But Vulcans are telepathic. It is possible that I am acquiring some sort of telepathic signal from Jim that—”
“Oh, Spock. Please. You don’t believe that.”
Spock shakes his head. “I cannot take the chance. If what I dreamed came true, I would be forced to leave the Enterprise.”
“Forced to leave? Jim would never do that.”
“Not knowingly, no. I do not mean that he would request I depart. But the situation would become so untenable, I would have no choice, personally, not to leave service under the captain.”
“Spock—”
“Please, Nyota. I cannot risk it. The only solution is to remain quiet regarding my feelings for Jim. Should Jim come to me with an expression of affection toward me, then I will admit to my own. But to be parted from him, is worse than remaining silent.”
A short time later, Spock returned to his own quarters, determined not to listen to any of Nyota’s arguments.
In the morning, they would begin shore leave on the planet, Mesador, which bore an uncomfortable resemblance to Risa as far as Spock was concerned. Though Jim would no doubt take part, Spock would stay behind so as to not subject himself to the sight of Jim having too much fun there.
When morning came, Spock finds himself in the turbolift with his captain.
Jim smiles warmly at him. It is that open inviting smile, that expression that has given Spock hope, however falsely.
“What did you want to talk to me about last night?” Jim asks. “Sorry I wasn’t available. Mom and I have a longstanding conference Tuesdays when we’re anywhere within range. You said it was personal?”
“I…was able to handle the matter on my own, Captain.”
“Oh.” Jim nods and this time his expression changes infinitesimally. Just a small change that no one would likely notice save for Spock because there is nothing he misses in Jim. “Okay.”
The word is spoken softly and though it’s not exactly sad, there’s something there that is off.
“Is something the matter, Captain?”
The full watt smile is back. The one that Jim projects to say he hasn’t a care in the world. Spock has seen it used on many people over the years. When he first notices it, back when Spock felt jealousy over it being aimed at Carol Marcus, he hadn’t recognized it as being a defense for Jim. He knows it now.
“No, no.” Jim shrugs. “Just…I liked the idea of you confiding something personal in me. Made me feel good about us being friends. It’s nothing, Spock.”
Fear is illogical, Spock thinks. He vaguely recalls McCoy telling him that fear of death was what kept humans alive. But this is not a matter of life and death. Or perhaps it is.
“Are you going down for shore leave, Captain?’
“No, I’m staying onboard. I figured I’d man the ship and let everyone else have fun for a change.”
Spock frowns. “You do not intend to frolic on Mesador?”
He uses the term Jim used for their last shore leave.
Jim smiles, a little more genuinely. “I’m going to take your advice, Mister Spock, and rest. I’ve got lots of reading to catch up on.”
“Reading,” he repeats. The doors open onto the deck and Spock follows Jim out onto the deck with their quarters, though originally Spock was headed to the bridge. “Books? Not reports, correct?”
“Reports?”
“If you are behind, you can send them to me. I am not going on shore leave. I am more than qualified to complete them in your stead.”
“I know, but I’m not asking you to, and anyway, no, it’s not reports. Some actual books I picked up at a bookstore in San Francisco last time we were there. Very relaxing, Spock.”
Jim stops in front of his quarters. And Spock takes a chance, even though he feels as though he may shake apart. The idea of ruining everything he does have with Jim is—
“Captain, there is something I would like to share with you, after all.”
“Yeah? I’m all ears. Come on in.”
Spock follows Jim into his quarters, his head buzzing from hearing Jim say the words he did in Spock’s dream.
It might be an omen.
He does not beat around the bush, as the human idiom goes. Spock seems to be full of them these days.
“Jim, I wished to advise you that I have developed feelings of a romantic nature for…you.”
And just like in Spock’s dream, Jim’s expression shudders.
His mouth dry, Spock continues, “I am in love with you.”
Jim slowly blows out a breath. It is the longest exhalation in history, Spock is quite certain.
“Spock.” The word is a whisper along Spock’s brain. It is not followed by the terrible words…you’re my friend.
Jim moves closer to him, puts his hands on Spock’s forearms. He feels the heat where Jim touches him. It scorches his katra.
“Are you sure?”
Spock swallows. “Quite.”
The warm smile returns and even more slowly the sun that warms up the blue of Jim’s eyes. There are tiny crinkles by Jim’s eyes when he smiles that Spock finds obsessively appealing.
He meets Jim’s mouth as Jim rises up to kiss him. It is like being reborn in some way.
“I love you too.”
And so begins another month of flashes. I have no particular theme for this month, whatever strikes my fancy and fills my imagination. Here’s the first one.
Jim finds him on the observation deck. Truthfully, he had been unwilling to wander the ship looking, so he had asked the computer for Spock’s location.
But now that he is faced with Spock, back to him, Jim isn’t sure whether he should be here or not. Still, he is pretty sure that Spock knows he is here.
“Hey,” he says. Because he’s so uncertain how to begin. He finds he is hugging himself, which he knows is defensive body language, yet he can’t help it. He is defensive.
Spock turns to look at him, and though Jim can see there is a troubled look in his chocolate eyes, that trouble does not seem to lie at his footsteps, so to speak.
Jim asks, anyway, “Did I do something wrong?”
Because they’d just spent hours sexually exploring each other. And from Jim’s point of view, it had been incredible, better than anything he’d ever experienced, and he’d thought it was pretty incredible from Spock’s point of view also, but he’d just woke up alone, and somehow that had felt…big.
“No, Jim. I apologize for making you have any doubts whatsoever about us. Tonight was…more than I could ever hope for.” Spock unexpectedly holds his out his hand towards Jim, who takes it and is drawn to Spock’s side. “I was thinking of my mother.”
“Your mother?”
Spock nods. “I…often do…still. I suppose that is a weakness.”
“No way, Spock. What would make you ever think that?”
He shakes his head. “A Vulcan—”
“Never mind all that, Spock. She was your mom. What are you thinking about?”
“She would have been very happy to know you and to know that I have found my…T’hy’la.”
“T’hy’la?” Jim whispers.
“No Vulcan in a hundred years has been so fortunate. And yet, I have found mine. Brother, friend, lover. The closest standard term would be soulmate and yet for a Vulcan, it is so much more.”
Jim smiles, hesitantly, because it is hard to believe he could be this. “And I am that to you?”
Spock takes both of Jim’s hands in his. “Yes and more. Even those simple three standard words I love you do not seem to convey the depth of my great affection for you, my Jim.”
Jim’s eyes well up with tears. “I feel the same. And I’m sorry your mom isn’t here. I know you miss her, and I wish I could have met her.”
“You two would have been conspiring against me and my father, I have no doubt.
Spock shakes his head. “I often think about her. What she would think or say about whatever is going on in my life. She never judged me about anything and always said she would be proud of me, and yet, there are times I wonder if that would be true.”
“I’m sure of it, babe. There is no one better than you that I know and there’s no way your mom wouldn’t think the same.”
“She was always on my side no matter what. No one else has ever been that way for me.” Spock gazed into Jim’s eyes. “Until you.”
“And I always will be on your side, no matter what.” Jim kisses him. “Come back to bed with me?”
“Yes, T’hy’la. I will.”
Spirk (with a small dose of Pinto) 