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White Christmas

Advent Day 11

“I’m so tired of this, Bones.”

“About time,” Bones replied. “I told you not to go out for a second five-year mission.”

Jim sighed glumly. “It’s not even that. I heard from my mom. Back home it’s the holidays and it’s snowing. And Sam’s there with Aurelan and their son, Peter. Did I tell you she’s expecting again?”

“Congratulations.”

“I’ve never even met Peter and now there’s going to be another one.” Jim shook his head. “I’m never going to have a family. Not like that.”

“Well, it would be hard for you and Spock to have kids. At least in the same way Sam is with Aurelan,” Bones pointed out.

“Yeah. It’s just…sometimes.”

Bones frowned as he took a sip of his coffee in the mess room. “Don’t tell me there’s trouble in paradise, Jim.”

Jim snorted. “Hardly paradise. I wanted to put up a Christmas tree and I got ‘that’s illogical’.”

“What did you expect from Spock?”

“A little more consideration? I don’t know. It took so long for us to get together, Bones, and admit our feelings. Was it too late or something? Maybe I should have given up a long time ago. You know Carol wanted to get married and have a family but—”

“You were too hung up on Spock.”

“Yeah. Is it too much to dream of a white Christmas?”

“On a starship? Yeah I think it is. Are you saying you don’t love Spock anymore?”

“No, of course not. I just…sometimes what you want doesn’t end up being as great as you thought it would be, I guess. Of course I love Spock. And I don’t know, maybe I should cut him some slack. He’s not Human. Not fully anyway. And his mother was Jewish. He doesn’t have any experience with Christmas trees and all that.”

“What you’re saying is you’re feeling homesick and left out.”

“Yeah.” Jim laughed a little. “Yeah. And I really hope Mom and the rest of a great time. I just wish I was there, that’s all.”

****

Jim woke to the smell of gingerbread and smoke from a fireplace. He sat up, frowning.

“Spock?”

“Who’s Spock?”

Jim’s head turned quickly to see his brother, Sam, standing in his bedroom doorway.

Wait, what?

“Sam? What are you doing here?”

“Aurelan and I were coming for Christmas, don’t you remember? It’s Christmas Eve. Mom said to come wake you up.”

“But when—”

“We got here about an hour ago. Get dressed and come down. Mom has coffee made.”

Jim looked around the room after Sam left. It looked like his bedroom in Riverside, but he hadn’t been there in years. There was no sign of his boyfriend either.

He got out of bed and went to the bathroom. While there he peered at himself in the bathroom and realized he looked about five to ten years younger than he was. Weird.

He found jeans and a pullover sweater and got dressed.

When he got downstairs he still saw no sign of Spock. He did see his mom in the kitchen and Sam and a very pregnant Aurelan in the living room by the tree. No sign of Peter. It looked like maybe Sam’s wife was pregnant with Peter at that moment.

He wouldn’t know as he hadn’t known her when she had Peter. He’d never met Aurelan in person. Only over a video chat. Sam had met and married her on the planet, Deneva.

“Mom?”

“Oh there you are, honey. You got your wish.”

He stared at her. “Wish?”

“It’s snowing. It’s a white Christmas.”

He followed her gaze to the window and saw that, yes, snow was falling.

“Coffee’s ready. Help yourself. I’ve got gingerbread in the oven. You want some breakfast?”

“Uh. Okay.” Jim went to the coffeemaker and poured himself some.

“What time is that girl coming?”

He turned and stared at her. “Girl?”

Mom laughed. “Your fiancé. Or so you say. She’s coming today, isn’t she?”

“Fiancé,” he said faintly.

“Mm hm. Ruth.”

Jim had no clue who Ruth was. He didn’t know a Ruth. He blinked and looked around the house.

“You okay?”

“Not sure. I…I think I had a strange dream last night.”

“A dream? What kind of dream?”

“I was the captain of a starship—”

“Jim,” she interrupted sharply. “We’ve had this discussion. No Starfleet.” She shuddered. “We lost your father thanks to Starfleet. And you almost weren’t born. No more Starfleet.”

His head hurt. He took a sip of the strong brew. “Well,  it was a dream I guess. And I had this Vulcan boyfriend.”

Her eyebrows shot up. “A boyfriend? All you’ve done was chase girls. And don’t forget Ruth.”

Except he had. Or he thought so anyway.

There was a knock at the door and he automatically went there to open it to a blonde, pretty woman who grinned at him.

“I’m here! I can’t wait to meet your family.”

“Ruth?”

“Of course, Ruth,” she said with a laugh. She threw her arms around his neck and kissed him soundly. “Merry Christmas, Darling.”

“Jim, close the door, you’re letting in the cold.”

Jim did and then Ruth linked her arm with his and he moved away into the rest of the house where everyone waited to meet her.

“I’m Ruth,” she declared. “Jim’s fiancé. It’s so great to meet all of you.”

Aurelan smiled her welcome. “We’re happy to meet you, too, Ruth. Jim’s so settled since he met you.” She glanced at Jim’s mom who was talking to Sam. She lowered her voice. “Jim had been talking about joining Starfleet.” She shuddered. “For obvious reasons we all hated that idea.”

“Oh, don’t any of you worry. There’s no way I’m letting Jim join Starfleet. He’s going to stay grounded right here on Earth. We’ll have children and make a home here.”

“Here?” Jim asked, absently. It all seemed so strange. It was like he was watching this whole scene happen to someone else. They were talking about someone else. He didn’t know any of these people.

Ruth snuggled up to him. “Yes, here. Daddy’s already been looking for a house for us. And he has the perfect job for you in mind.”

“A job for Jim?” Mom put in. “Do tell.”

Sam came up to stand by Jim and he put his arm around Jim’s shoulders. “See, Jim, we can all be a real family. What you’ve always wanted. Look, little brother, it’s snowing harder.”

Sam led Jim over to the kitchen’s picture window where several moments they stood watching the snow fall on the farm.

Jim shook his head. “This isn’t…”

“Isn’t what?”

“Spock,” he whispered.

“I don’t know who that is, Jim. You’re with Ruth. You’re getting married soon and you’ll have a family. Just like me and Aurelan.”

“That’s not what I want.”

“Of course it is,” Sam insisted. “Before you know it, you’ll be happy with Ruth and your family and you won’t even remember the dream of Starfleet.”

“No, I want stars and space and Vulcans and—”

“Jim.”

“I don’t want Ruth or any of this—”

“Jim, wake up.”

Suddenly Jim sat up straight, gasping for breath. In front of him on the bed, dark eyes wide with concern, was Spock.

Spock!

“Oh my God, it’s you.” He threw his arms around the Vulcan and hugged him close.

“Jim”, Spock murmured. “It is all right.”

“Yes. Now it is. Spock, I missed you so much.”

Spock pulled back just a little to look into Jim’s eyes. “I have been right here all along, ashayam.”

“No…you were gone. And there was Ruth—”

“Ruth?” Up went the eyebrow.

“A nobody. It was a white Christmas. What I-I thought I wanted. But what I want is you. Always you.”

Spock’s lips curved upward. “And you have me. Always.” He stood then. “Look, Jim.”

There on Jim’s desk was a Christmas tree, decorated and lit with bright twinkling lights.

Jim grinned. “You put up a tree.”

“Indeed.”

“Thought it was illogical.”

“Well, as a Human, you are. But I want you to have what makes you happy.”

Jim grabbed Spock’s hand. “You are what makes me happy.”

Spock sat back on the bed and drew Jim into his arms, kissing him thoroughly.  

Mele Kalikimaka

Advent Day 10

“It’s like 80 degrees out on Christmas Eve.”

“Yes, that’s the joy of being on Hawaii,” George told his girlfriend, Winona. They’d arrived for a vacation just two days early. He’d sprung it on her in San Francisco. She’d wanted to go home for Christmas, but George had other ideas.

“Hmm.” She picked up the sunscreen and handed it to him. They were lying on oversized towels at the resort’s private beach on Waikiki. Winona wore a tiny little green and red bikini she had purchased for their tropical Christmas vacation. “And it’s only nine in the morning. It’s only going to get warmer.”

“Yep,” George said, cheerfully. He squeezed out some sunscreen and began to rub her shoulders. “It’s great. I mean, sure, I miss seeing the family just a teeny bit, but there’s always next year. And since we’re leaving paradise on the 27th, we can have a belated Christmas New Year kinda thing with family.”

Mercifully shortened due to the fact they’d have to be back to San Francisco for the next semester at the Academy. To George it was merciful, anyway. He liked her parents okay. He wasn’t sure they liked him, but whatever. George could usually charm people into liking him. She missed her family though. George’s dad had passed away a couple of years ago and his mom was spending the holidays with George’s sister in New York. Everyone in the Kirk family was happy, and so George figured Hawaii and only a short time with his sweetheart’s family was the perfect compromise.

“But it doesn’t snow here,” Winona pointed out obviously.

“Honey, there are a lot of places where it doesn’t snow for Christmas.”

“Yeah, but I’ve never been to any of them.”

George laughed. “Come on, Winnie. It doesn’t snow every year where you’re from.”

She sighed. “No. But I have had lots of white Christmases.”

“No one cared about all of that until a Jewish guy wrote a song about dreaming of one,” George said. He moved down from her shoulders to the small of her back. “That and that printing company, Currier and Ives, who put out all those sleigh riding pictures.”

“Another history lesson, Georgie?”

“Of course. The point is, the first Christmas, in Bethlehem, it was most definitely not snowing.”

She sniffed. “I still like white Christmas.”

He leaned back and stopped rubbing. “Are you sorry you came then?”

“What? Oh no.” She turned on the towel to face him, linking her arms around his neck. “I didn’t mean that, George. I love being with you no matter where we are. Just not used to being away from family for Christmas is all. But this place is beautiful.”

He smiled. “Good. You know here they say Mele Kalikimaka.”

She grinned. “Mealeee Kaileekiiimaka”

George laughed. “That’s um, almost right.” He pulled away. “Listen, I have something for you.”

“A present? But Christmas isn’t until tomorrow!”

George searched through his bag. “I know. But I think maybe you need this now.”

He pulled out the ring box and turned toward her. Her eyes got real big as she spied the box. He flipped it open to reveal the diamond ring he’d picked out a few days before their vacation.

“Will you-“

“Yes!” She squealed, knocking him over into the sand.

George laughed. “I didn’t even finish.”

“It’s still yes.” She kissed him. “George Kirk, you know I’ll marry you.”

“Still, a guy likes to get to ask.”

She nodded and straightened up, smoothing the strings of her bikini and attempting to look serious, though her eyes were shining brightly.

“Winona, will you be my wife?”

“Well.” She pretended to consider. “Let me think about this.”

“Hey!”

She laughed again and knocked him into the sand once more. “Yes, a thousand times yes. And Merry Christmas!”

“Mele Kalikimaka,” George said as he pulled her in for a kiss.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Advent Day 6

This one was requested.

“Spock, are you blushing?”

Spock looked up from the holiday card he had just received to look at Nyota who had just approached him to hand him a creamy glass of eggnog. A vegan version, she had assured him when she offered to fetch it for him.

Rather than admit that he likely was, Spock instead replied, “I was looking at this morning’s Secret Santa gift.”

Nyota nodded. “What you get this time?”

This was the last day of the silly present game Nyota had signed Spock up for. He hadn’t known who got his name, that was the point.

The first day he had gotten a box of rare teas. He had been surprised, pleasantly, by the gift. The next day a beautiful teapot with a rare glaze made only on Vulcan. Vulcan Prime that had been destroyed.

He had begun to suspect the identity of his Secret Santa, but this surely clinched it.

Spock pursed his lips. “I cannot say at this time, but I will tell you after I present myself to obtain my final gift. If you will excuse me, Nyota.”

Spock left her holding both eggnogs and he made his way to the gift giver’s quarters.

“Come.”

The door slid open and Spock stepped inside.

His captain stood in the middle of his quarters, fingers hitched in the hem of his black undershirt, his gold command shirt already having been removed. He was also barefoot.

“Oh, hey, Spock. What’s up?”

Spock waved the paper he had received in his box. “I have come for my gift.”

“Huh?”

“You are my Secret Santa, are you not?”

Spock had expected it when he’d received the tea and was nearly certain when the teapot came. But now, he was positive.

Jim frowned and turned just the slightest shade of pink. “You guessed?”

The two of them had been dancing around each other for weeks. Jim had been extra flirtatious and Spock had given back in kind. Though there had yet to be anything physical between them, Spock had guessed it would be only a matter time before one of them made that move.

Given his “gift” that move had been made as far as Spock was concerned.

“I did. And I am anxious to claim my present.”

Jim blinked at him. “Uh, what?”

Spock read from the note.

“A lap dance from Captain Kirk.”

Jim’s eyes widened. “Shit.”

For the first time, Spock felt uncertain. “Captain?”

Jim laughed then which made Spock feel a little better. “That…that was a joke. A gag.”

“I do not understand.”

“I couldn’t figure out what to give you for your final present and I told Bones. He said I should promise a lap dance, and we both laughed, and I wrote out that note, but that wasn’t supposed to go into the box. I wrote an IOU. I figured next time we went to a space station I would have you pick something out and I’d get it for you.” Jim shook his head. “I have a feeling Bones played a gag on both of us.”

Spock nodded. “I see. Very well. I am waiting.”

“What?”

Spock arched a brow. “You might have thought that your offer was in jest, but in fact this is exactly the present I want.”

“Really?”

“Really.” Spock pulled out a chair and sat. “Perhaps a Santa hat would add to the experience.”

His soon-to-be lover doubled over in laughter. “I don’t think I have one of those.”

“One can be replicated.”

Jim came over to him, leaned down and kissed him. It was their first kiss and it gave Spock a thrill.

“For the record, I was your Secret Santa,” Spock murmured.

“I know.” Jim’s eyes were shining.

“Santa hat, Jim.”

“Okay, okay.”

Jim walked over to the replicator and a few minutes later he came back to where Spock sat, waiting. He yanked off his black shirt and then undid his pants and lowered them to the ground. Spock noticed the red satin boxer shorts, immediately. “Nice gift,” Jim said with a wink. He set the Santa hat on his head and then straddled Spock.

“All right, baby, here comes your present.”    

Mistletoe and Holly

Advent Day 4

Spock detected the sound of rustling inside the apartment just before the door opened.

He had thought he was prepared to see Jim Kirk after these few years and so he was momentarily startled by his speechless reaction to the sight of the man who’d opened the door.

Jim had a bit of gray at his temples, but otherwise looked much the same as when Spock last saw him. He did have a five o’clock shadow, but somehow that just made him look better. The crinkles around his eyes as he smiled his greeting made Spock’s heart do a summersault.

“Spock! Wow, it’s so great to see you!”

And for a moment, Spock hoped Jim would pull him into a hug, but Jim aborted the action before he actually did it, and instead stood aside to let Spock inside.

Spock did step inside, his gaze sweeping the apartment Jim inhabited. In the corner by the window was a noble fir. Set in front of it but not yet assembled was a string of decorative lights and several boxes of holiday ornaments.

“I did not intend to interrupt anything,” Spock said hesitantly. He had come here on a whim, that now seemed unwise. He was in San Francisco for the first time in years and should have let Jim know ahead of time, perhaps, so they could meet at a restaurant or some neutral place.

“You didn’t,” was Jim’s assured reply. “Was just getting the tree ready. You can even help, if you don’t mind.”

Spock didn’t but his gaze also fell on two wine glasses sitting on a nearby end table. Both were partially filled with red wine.

“You were entertaining a guest?” And even though Spock thought he had control, he heard the unmistakable accusation in his tone. Which he absolutely should not have.

Jim glanced at the glasses. “No.”

“There are two glasses.”

Jim smiled slightly. “Earlier today.” He shook his head, but did not elaborate. Spock found that he wanted him to.

If Jim had a paramour, then Spock had come for no reason. Perhaps even if his former captain did not, there still had been no reason.

Jim was looking at him in that way he had of stripping Spock of all his shields, all his controls. It had always been that way and yet Spock had fought it to this point, to his own ultimate detriment.

“May I inquire who had the other glass?” Spock asked, even though he had decided not to.

For a moment, Jim looked downright mutinous, and Spock was certain that he had somehow overstepped in his inquiry, but then the hardline of Jim’s mouth softened, his shoulder sagged a little, and he looked rather lost in a way that hurt Spock.

“Sam, my brother. He was here. It didn’t…let’s just say our relationship hasn’t improved much. I thought after Mom’s death…but no. We’re never going to be close, and I just need to accept that I guess.”

“I am sorry that he continues to cause you pain.”

Jim nodded. “Yeah. So, are you going to stay and help me with the tree? I can make us something for dinner.”

“I would like to.”

“I didn’t even know you were in San Francisco.”

Spock exhaled slowly. “My mother’s sister passed away and I came to represent my mother. While here, I could not resist coming to see you.”

Jim smiled. “Well, I am sorry about your aunt, but I’m glad it gave you the excuse. It’s been far too long. How are things on New Vulcan?”

“Lonely,” Spock said plainly. “Though I did not believe it to be possible, I find that I miss my life in Starfleet. I miss the crew.”

“They were our family.”

“I…miss you.”

Jim’s lips parted slightly as he stared at Spock.

“Most of all,” Spock added.

Jim’s lips curved upward then. Just a small bit. “We were good friends.”

“Yes.” And perhaps there was a message there, Spock didn’t know. “And the admiralty? Starfleet is treating you well since your promotion?”     

“Well enough.” He glanced toward the noble fir. “Let me get you some hot tea and we can get started.”

As Jim made to move past him, Spock found himself reaching out to grab Jim’s wrist.

“Jim, I…”

Jim’s startled blue gaze flew to his. “What is it, Spock?”

“I came here because I…not merely because I was already in San Francisco and not because I missed you as a friend.”

“No?”

“I find that I can no longer deny the truth that I have known deep within myself for years, though I surely have tried.” Spock briefly closed his eyes, then opened them to see Jim watching him, blue eyes wide and uncertain. “I had convinced myself to reveal the truth would cost me your friendship, but in all honesty we have not kept in touch since the end of our second mission anyway, so our friendship has suffered due to my decision to leave Starfleet for New Vulcan.”

“Spock—”

“I am in love with you. I find that I have been in love with you for so long, I no longer care to think about when I was not. And though I am taking perhaps the greatest chance in my life telling you this, if I did not, then I would always wonder if there was any chance that you returned my feelings.”

Jim’s lips had parted again and his tongue came out to trace his bottom lip. “Hold that thought.”

Spock blinked. “What?”

Jim pulled away from him and stepped over to the counter in his kitchen while Spock watched him in confusion, his heart thundering in his side.

Then Jim walked back over to where Spock stood and held up something over their heads.

“Jim, why are you—”

Jim kissed him. Hard, deeply, thoroughly. It was the best, most intensely promising kiss of Spock’s life.

When they pulled away, Spock was panting.

“What is the significance of the fungus?”

Jim laughed and kissed Spock breathless once more.

“Mistletoe.”

“Does this mean you return my feelings?”

Jim linked his arms around Spock’s neck. “What do you think?”

“I think…decorating the fir can wait.”

Flash Fic, November 26, 2021

As I have indicated, I really wanted to explore all forms of jealousy. Here’s another.

“Jim.”

Jim buried his head under his pillow.

“Jim.”

“I don’t wanna go to work.”

A long pause.

“No doubt, but as you are captain and due on the bridge, I am afraid there isn’t much choice.”

Jim turned on his back, squished the pillow to his face and groaned. “Damn.”

“I have your coffee.”

He lowered the pillow and glared up at Spock.

“Why are you dressed in your meditation robes?” he demanded.

“Yesterday was the ship’s celebration of the thankful festival.”

“Thanksgiving,” Jim muttered.

“I manned the bridge while you indulged in several indulgences.” Spock paused as Jim sat up and handed him his coffee. “I am currently off shift. I intend to meditate, then shower, and break my fast.”

Jim clutched the coffee. “I am so fucking jealous right now you have no idea.”

Spock hesitated. “If you require it, I will take your shift.”

Jim closed his eyes. “No, sweetheart. Of course not. I’m just being a baby.”

“What does being an infant have to do with it?”

“Just my behavior sucks.  You were good enough to watch the bridge while I ate too much, made merry too much, and definitely drank too much. My stomach may never recover from all the turkey I ate.  Ugh I have the devil of a headache.”

Spock nodded. “I do have Leonard’s hangover remedy to give you for that.”

“Yeah, thanks. In a second. Everything all right with the ship?”

“No issues, Captain.”

Jim smiled. “Thanks, Commander.”

“In all seriousness, Jim, I can take your shift if you are too uncomfortable.”

Jim swung his legs out of bed and stood. “Absolutely not. I’m going. You take your time as you’re entitled too. But I’m still a bit jealous.”

“Given what I heard about the celebration, I imagine there will be others in the same condition as you on the bridge today.”

“Mm.” Jim took the tablets Spock offered him, put them in his mouth and swallowed. “There may have been some drunken Christmas Carols.” He rubbed his neck. “And uh, pictures or videos, maybe, of me and Uhura singing Santa Baby with her on my lap.”

Spock arched a brow. “It’s a little early for Christmas songs, is it not?”

Jim gave him a quick kiss. “That’s why I love you, honey. Your only comment after hearing that was that it’s too early for Christmas songs. And right you are.” He stretched and yawned. “I wonder if there’s any leftover turkey.”      

Spock stared at him.

“What?”

“You just said your stomach ached from eating too much turkey.”

“Yeah, so?”

Spock muttered, “Illogical. Enjoy your shift, Jim.”

Jim kissed him again and went to take his shower.

Flash Fic, November 15, 2021

Photo by Tembela Bohle on Pexels.com

This one won’t make AOS Uhura fans very happy

Spock hadn’t seen her in a while. Their time serving aboard the same ship had ended when Jim had decided to quit and raise a child with Spock. Retire, Spock supposed, though Jim hadn’t been retirement age, Starfleet allowed it because of who Jim was.

Anyway, Spock had left too, because Jim was his husband and they planned to raise a family together.

It had been a few years since he’d seen Nyota in person. And so when they ended up being in the same city, it seemed natural to meet.

Oddly enough there was nothing terribly natural about their relationship these days. The end of their relationship had been fraught with drama to put it mildly. Spock had given up pretending he didn’t love Jim and Nyota had given up pretending it didn’t piss her off.

Still they’d had an uneasy peace. A peace that allowed her to accept his invitation to dinner.

They had been at a vegetarian restaurant they used to eat at a lot back in their Academy days and things had been going all right until Spock noticed her make a face when he mentioned his husband.

“Would you rather I not mention Jim?”

Nyota snorted. “No. I mean he is what he is to you. I maybe would rather you hadn’t mention him twenty times since we sat down.”

“I apologize.” Spock was starting to realize that this was perhaps a mistake.

She sighed, shook her head. “How is he?”

“He is well. Thank you for inquiring. He sends his best to you.”

“Sure he does.” She grimaced. “That was uncalled for. I’m sorry, Spock. He doesn’t deserve that and neither do you. I’m just…bitterly jealous to be honest.”

This surprised Spock. It had been a number of years since they’d seen each other as romantic partners.

“Of?”

“Everything. The joyous way you conduct your relationship with him being number one. You never showed that depth of feeling and contentment with me. Not the entire time. That you two are happy and have a family with this perfect life.”

“It is hardly perfect—”

“It is as far as I am concerned. You have the love of your life, Spock, and I have…work.” She sighed again and put her chin on her hand. “There’s no one special in my life. I’m not even dating. I doubt I’ll ever find what you have with Jim. But I’d like something. I just don’t know what.”

“I apol—”

“Don’t say your sorry, Spock. It’s nothing you’ve done. If Jim Kirk hadn’t come into our lives, I honestly don’t think you and I would have lasted anyway. Part of me thinks we lasted as long as we did because of your absolute stubbornness about denying that love for him. Whatever. I want what you have and I don’t have it. So yeah, I’m jealous. Not proud of that but I am.”

“I could say that you will find it someday, but I know that you don’t appreciate those sorts of platitudes.”

She smirked and lifted her glass of wine to her lips. “Yeah, I don’t. And believe it or not, even though I’m super envious, I’m also really glad you have what you have.”

“I am sorry for my part in hurting you.”

“Never mind. That’s old news. Go ahead. Mention Jim and your family twenty more times.” She grinned. “I’m listening.”

Spock arched a brow, but he did launch into his life since leaving Starfleet. At the end of the night, he decided it had been a pleasant evening between old friends after all.   

Flash Fic, November 12, 2021

This one is a touch sad and begs for some sort of sequel resolution, so you might see one in the December flashes! Different kind of jealousy too!

Winona had always had trouble bonding with her son, Jim. There was the whole becoming a widow on the date of Jim’s birth, sure, but there were other reasons, mostly her fault, she knew, but Jim had always been…distant with her in a way Sam never had been.

Of course, Sam had left and Jim had not, but still, now she had reconciled with her older son, but Jim remained elusive to her.

Oh it was nothing outright. He called her Mom never Mother, he was always polite, if not warm, he smiled at her, if it lacked warmth, and never disparaged her to anyone.

Yet as she watched Spock’s interaction with his mother, Amanda, she could see the difference.

They were both there in San Francisco to visit their sons while they attended Starfleet Academy. Jim had told her all about his new, bourgeoning relationship with the Vulcan, and by the time Winona had arranged a visit, Jim had moved into Spock’s off-campus apartment.

To her surprise, Spock’s mother, Amanda Grayson, was also there.

Thus why as they all went to dinner together, Winona was able to notice the difference in how Spock was with his mother.

Even though Spock was a Vulcan, he was noticeably warmer in his behavior toward his mother than Jim was with her. Subtle little things. Nothing she could even point to if asked, but she felt it.

When they both went to the bathroom together, that was Spock and Jim, not her and Winona, she used that chance to mention her observations to the other human woman.

“I envy you,” Winona said plainly. Then she laughed and shook her head. “Who am I kidding? I’m flat out jealous.”

Amanda gave her a funny look. “Jealous? Over what? I can’t imagine.”

She sighed. “Your easy relationship with Spock. I’ve never had that with Jim.”

“Really? I don’t sense any tension or awkwardness between you.”

“Oh, nothing that obvious. Jim’s far too good of a boy to allow that to filter through.” She sighed again and leaned her chin on her hand. “I’m not making sense, I’m sure. But I know what I mean. Anyway, you’re lucky. I can tell how much Spock loves and respects you as his mother.”

A moment later, their sons returned, and they continued with their visit.

A couple of days later, Jim walked with her to the shuttlebay for her return to Riverside.  

“I’m very happy you’re doing so well with the Academy and with Spock.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

They didn’t say anything else until they got to where her gate was located.

“Maybe you can come home for Christmas, you know when your break comes next month.”

He gave her a vague smile. “Maybe. I’ll see if I can manage it.”

“I can get a tree. Really decorate it up. All your favorite foods.”

“We’ll see.”

She bit her lip. “You can bring Spock.”

His smile never dimmed. “Maybe. I’ll let you know. Looks like they’re getting ready to board.”

She knew that was her gentle dismissal. Yes, he’d been rather like that almost from when he was a small child and certainly since Frank.

“Jim, we’re all right, aren’t we? You and me?” she ventured to ask, even though she knew without a doubt he would say yes, no matter what the truth of it was.

“Of course we are,” he gave her the predicted answer.

She moved to hug him and she was delighted when he didn’t move away as he had when she had arrived for her visit. That had hurt though she had done her damndest to hide it.

    She held on tight to him while she could and she couldn’t help but notice how much like George he was. He even smelled like George. George would have been crazy nuts for Jim, just as he had been for Sam.

When she had become pregnant with Jim, George had been enthusiastic enough at the prospect that this one might be a girl, but she knew deep down he wanted another boy. They’d decided to keep it a secret until the time. And she wished they hadn’t because there would have been things they could have enjoyed in the planning for their second son that they’d never been able to do.

“You don’t want to miss your shuttle.”

Jim spoke softly and kindly as he always did, but that distant hint of dismissal was there just the same. Her heart twisted a bit, but she released her hold on him, and tried not to show him how very close to tears she was.

A silly, melancholy old woman was what she had become.

“I had a wonderful visit.”

“Me too,” Jim assured her and it even sounded sincere.

“I love you, baby.”

“Love you too, Mom.”

And she turned and went through the gate. When she turned back around to wave goodbye, he had already moved away, his long legs had already taken him far away from her.

“Let me do it myself, Mommy!”

Words she remembered him saying so often to her as a child. He never wanted her to help him.

Winona wiped her eyes, turned back around and went to go to he shuttle, praying that Jim would come for Christmas break, but knowing she would likely be disappointed.

Flash Fic, November 10, 2021

“What’s wrong with you?”

Spock was surprised by the question as he did not believe anyone would know there was anything wrong with him. He had thought he had hid it well as he always did.

He sipped his tea and gave McCoy a slight shrug. “Nothing is wrong, Doctor. I am merely contemplating the recent…situation with the captain and the native on the planet.”

“Miramanee.”

“Yes.”

“What about it?” McCoy picked up his fork and stabbed into a plate of eggs.

“I would not have expected the captain to take a wife and…”

“Expect a child with her?”

“ Yes.”

The doctor shrugged. “He had amnesia and forgot all about his life.”

“About us.”

“Right. That bothers you somehow, huh?”

It did but Spock was not sure how to admit it.

McCoy smirked. “You thought we were somehow unforgettable.” He paused for a gulp of coffee. “You thought you were.”

Spock shook his head in deniable.

“That emotion you’re feeling—”

“Emotions are illogical.”

“Is jealousy.”

“Vulcans do not feel—”

McCoy waved this away. “I’m not saying you feel jealous romantically, but you are jealous that your friend could forget your very existence, considering how much time you spend together.”

Spock was saved from arguing further by the arrival of the captain. Kirk paused a moment to look at them somewhat quizzically before approaching them with his tray of French Toast.

“Captain.”

“Morning, Spock, Morning Bones. You two looked serious. Something on your minds?”

Spock nearly asked the captain how he felt about the loss of his wife and child, but it was not his business, and at breakfast in the mess was not appropriate anyway.

“No, Captain, there is nothing.”

And a short time later, Spock excused himself to report to the bridge. He didn’t wish to analyze McCoy’s words as to whether he was indeed jealous. He dismissed the possibility as unlikely and decided, that night, he would meditate for a longer time to clear his mind.

Flash Fic, November 08, 2021

“Spock’s a total cuddler.”

Jim really wished he hadn’t just heard that.

Uhura, Christine Chapel, and Janice Rand were seated a table nearby in the mess room gossiping, apparently, about their lovers.

“No way!” Chapel exclaimed. “Spock?”

Uhura laughed. “Right? But trust me. He’s been like that since the first time we slept together back in the Academy. It’s so sweet.”

Jim blanched and rose from the table. He didn’t want to hear anymore. This was making his heart hurt and his stomach churn.

Never mind he had no right to these feelings, that didn’t matter.

As he was departing the mess, Bones was about to step in.

“Hey, where are you going? Thought we were gonna have something to eat.”

“I’m not hungry,” he snapped, without meaning to, really, but he knew he had, and he kept going out of the mess and down the corridor to the turbolift.

At least he made it to his quarters before the sting of tears pricked his eyes. And he was angry with himself. So angry he kicked his desk and then paced around the room, wiping his eyes.

This was why he didn’t do relationships.

Jealousy sucked. He absolutely hated this feeling.

After a while he calmed down, but he still ignored the door when someone chimed. He was fairly certain he knew who it would be and he didn’t want to deal with that right now.

He took a shower and went to bed after. Never did have anything to eat.

And when he woke the next morning, Jim was hungry so he shoved a quick bowl of oatmeal into his mouth and headed to the bridge.

Spock was already at his station and so was Uhura. As Jim made his way to his captain’s chair, he saw them exchange a look.

The rest of the ship, Jim stuck to business, only giving short, clipped answers if anyone tried to engage him in conversation. They all soon gave up and he was quite aware as he heard whisperings of the captain’s bad mood.

He practically ran into turbolift and closed the doors before anyone could follow him.

He’d already declined a dinner invite from Bones.

Yeah, he was sulking a bit. And he was still feeling jealous. His mood was dark, so sure, he decided it was better to avoid everyone until he got over it. And he was sure he would.

But after he’d had a chicken sandwich and sat down to do reports in his quarters, he finally answered the chime at his door.

“Come.”

Of course it was Spock. He’d expected that.

Normally Spock would stand in front of Jim, hands clenched behind his back, but this time he approached Jim’s desk, hands outstretched.

“Jim, have I done something wrong?”

“No.”

“Your word says no but your expression and behavior say otherwise.”

“I…Spock, I don’t think this is working.”

Spock blinked. “What?”

“You and me. I thought maybe we could make it work, but it’s not. Not for me.”

“I do not understand.”

“The jealousy is eating me up,” Jim admitted.

“Jealousy? What are you jealous of?”

“Uhura.”

“We ended our relationship and—”

“I know. I do. But I heard her talking about how you are a cuddler with her friends.” Jim paused. “You never cuddle with me. And that made me feel like you’ll never love me as much as I love you or even as much as you loved her.”

“I love you more,” Spock said quietly.

“Spock—”

“When we began, there was one night that I went to put my arm around you and—”

“I pushed you away.”

“Yes.” Spock swallowed hard. “The last thing I wished to do was give you a reason to-to end things between us, but it appears I have done so anyway.”

Jim closed his eyes briefly. “I’m sorry. I don’t…I’ve never done this. Not like this. And that night I was so overwhelmed by everything I just reacted badly. I didn’t mean to let you think I didn’t want you to touch me after.”

Spock exhaled. “I need you to be honest with me, Jim, and not shut down every time something is bothering you. I am living in constant fear that you will terminate our relationship if I do something you do not approve of or if you are displeased. It is not a pleasant feeling.”

Jim came from around the desk and pulled Spock into his arms, hugging him close. “I’m sorry. I didn’t even realize.”

“I know. Please, when something bothers you or you hear something, talk to me. Tell me how you feel. I cannot rectify it if I do not know.”

Jim nodded against him. “I want you to cuddle me. And I swear I am not looking for ways to end things between us. What I said earlier notwithstanding.”

“There is no one else I want and love like you. There is no need to be jealous. I promise.  I will be more than happy to spend all night cuddling you.”

Jim smiled. “Okay. Deal.”

And that night, Jim felt loved and cherished. And yes, cuddled.

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