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Another Difficult Day

Sorry to be a downer. But I have to vent a bit somewhre

Today we made the decision to keep Ma in bed for the rest of her time. It was just too hard for my sister to move her anymore during the night when she had to go to the bathroom etc. It was hard for the two of us too.

It’s really heartbreaking to watch the decline of someone you’ve know your entire life. I know some of you know this firsthand. You think you’re prepared for all this but you aren’t. You never can be.

We are nearing the end I think. I can’t imagine it will be much longer. When it is over there will be a mass as she was Catholic born and raised. I’ll let you know.

I will write stuff as I can. But please know I appreciate all of you sticking with me and your support.

You are all phenomenal.

Flash Fic February 24, 2017

A lost article returned to it’s owner was my prompt.

spocky2

“Ambassador Spock?”

Spock stiffened before turning around. It was still odd to be called ambassador. That was a title more suited to his long deceased counterpart. And yet…it was what he was now.

He turned to face the young officer.

“Yes, Ensign?”

The ensign looked impossibly young. Blond hair, blue eyes. It reminded him of—

But no.

The ensign cleared his throat. “I was going through the admiral’s things. And I found this.”

He held out his closed fist toward Spock and Spock had no choice but to open his palm to receive it.

It was a simple gold ring with Vulcan words carved into it that were far too familiar and painful now to think of. It felt heavy and burdensome in his hand now and yet he closed his fingers around it and pulled his hand close to his side.

The ensign’s tongue came out and licked at his lips. “I-I think he’d have wanted you to have it, sir.”

For a moment words were too difficult to form but Spock made himself nod. For a long time he merely stared at the young man.

Until finally, reddening slightly, the ensign turned to leave.

“Thank you, David,” Spock managed to say.

David stopped, but he did not turn around. “You’re welcome.”

Random Observations from My Currently Tortured Mind

beautiful-spring-neuschwanstein-castle-wallpapers-1920x1200

Above is where I wish I was today. In Germany. I’ve been there. At that castle. It’s gorgeous. Wish I was there this very second.

I’m tired. My emotional/mental state is seriously dragging right now.

I posted Who’s the Daddy and the response has been pretty good but now I have people telling me I don’t punish Spock enough and others arguing basically that Jim deserves to be treated badly because he slept with three people in 48 hours. It’s exhausted me and drained me and made me regret even posting it or anything right now, to be honest. Clearly I am not in the mood.

My family member is out of the hospital and recovering reasonably well. I will be seeing her this evening.

Is it just me or when you see the pictures from that interview Chris did with W Magazine the only reaction I could give was “Gee, I wish you’d wash your damn hair”. Sorry, greasy hair does nothing for me, even on Chris Pine.

So the other day we are watching the Karl Urban/Rock movie, Doom, for like the 10th time and there’s this strip of something lying on the tile floor on the way to our downstairs bathroom. Milo is going to the bathroom with the door open like always and goes, “What’s that on the floor?” I think it’s just like a strip of material or ribbon or something because the cats play with that stuff all the time. So I reached down to pick it up…and it’s a worm! Ugh. I screamed. Yes, I did. Which impressed the cats because they went running like Godzilla was coming through the front door or something. But it was slimy and wriggling like worms do. So I dropped it, picked up a tissue and killed it. Afterward, I was told I should have saved it and tossed it back outside. Keep in mind Milo has a bug jar he uses to traps spiders and the like to save their lives by returning them to the wild. I said next time he can pick up the worm.

What has this got to do with Doom? Not much. Other than that movie has some pretty gruesome things going on in it, like the tongue by itself just lashing around the lab. Yeah, Karl doesn’t always pick stellar movies to star in, let’s just say. But during a creepy movie to see a creepy worm, well, just gross.

My stomach has been bugging me for about three days now and I can honestly say I am sick of it.

Ramblings of the week, Week of January 02, 2017 Edition

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As part of my weekly ramblings, you get a picture. Isn’t he pretty?

Well here we are in 2017.

The year didn’t start out well for me. I got a nasty comment on my fanfiction, When It Began, which basically questioned my whole scene with the teens, implying I was going “too fast” with the story, that the teens shouldn’t be kissing (who knows why), and worst of all, that Spock was completely out of character in the story. In fact they said he was so out of character “it hurt”. I am admittedly “Jimcentric” but I still try hard to get everything right with Spock. That was the New Year’s Day comment I woke up to.

To say I almost threw in the towel on that story as well as my entire account on AO3 would be an understatement.  I put so much effort into those stories, not just for me, but for everyone else, and I was discouraged and disappointed.

I know I have a pretty vigorous readership on there. Many of whom never comment. And others who only comment sporadically. But all I could see was the negative.

I’m still struggling to “get over it”.

Like my friend, Kris, I don’t make resolutions. Not anymore. But I do have a few things I’d like to do this year and that includes the dreaded losing weight. I am too old at this point to worry about being hot or anything, but I do want to be healthier and that is probably more my goal than necessarily a number on a scale. I’d also like to be better with money. Later this year I will be going to Yellowstone (June) and how I will afford it is still a mystery. I spent way too much at Christmas, though it made ME happy to do so, so that’s important too. Still I need to better control my spending. I need to be better to myself too.

That’s about the extent of my ramblings this week. I am still going to the hospital on a daily basis. I’ll be there again tonight. The latest is that they’ve determined she has A-Fib as well as all kinds of infections. She’s having swallowing and speech therapy though and is doing quite well with those. She has no paralysis and her movement is fine. It also seems like most of the sundowner’s syndrome has faded. But yeah, still in the hospital and likely for a few more days.

For the World is Hollow

Don’t really know what that has to do with my post, I’m just a Star Trek nerd.

Sometimes I feel like this:

chrispinesmokinaces_big-1

Or maybe this:

contemplative

I love December and the holidays involved with it. But it is not without its stresses and also its sad moments. A couple of people I was very close to had birthdays in December and each year that passes with them no longer with us I cannot help but feel that heartbreak.

Neither died during December but their births remind me even though both have been gone several years now.

One was born on December 12, which has now already passed for the year, and though I won’t go into details of the significance or even the identity of this person, there is a particular Christmas song that reminds me, Augie Rios’ Donde Esta Santa Claus. For a long time I was unable to get this version, which is the one that I remember my loved one for. Then a few years back on December 12th, I was sitting in my car waiting at the train station when the radio station I was listening to played this song and that version. To this day I remember sitting there with tears streaming down my face.

I do not believe in God, have not for a very long time, but to say that was a freakish coincidence is putting it lightly.

Now, I own this song and play it at least once on the 12th, and other times too.

The other was born on the 18th, a week before Christmas. She has been gone fewer years than the other but her absence is also keenly felt.

And others, too. Each year sees changes in our holidays, absences that cannot be overlooked. And I feel that more as I get older. Your mortality hits you hard at some point.

Last night was not a good night for me. I spent the night in severe pain on my left side from a bad arthritic attack and no matter how I tried I could not get comfortable. Losing loved ones and living with pain is something you learn to get used to as you age, I guess. But all I know is that time is marching on and will eventually leave me behind.

Tomorrow, Saturday, I intend to do a lot of Christmas shopping. I want to finish everything. I have a good start but tomorrow it will be over, if I have anything to say about it. I admit I have gone way overboard this year. I just feel the need to. My credit cards will not thank me later.

And since more and more holiday stuff is coming up, I am beginning to think I have bitten off far more than I can chew with regard to my holiday stories. Should have learned to leave well enough alone.

I have no more time off from work coming up other than the regular holidays of December 26 (for Christmas) and January 02 (for New Year’s). I decided to let co-workers take the holiday time to be with their families. And I have a ton of work to do, as always.

Anyway, I am working on the next chapter of I Heard the Bells. Should be up tomorrow before I go marathon shopping.

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