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Depression

Ramblings of the Week, March 05, 2018

I have today off because I needed to go to the DMV to get my driver’s license renewed. I made an appointment for 9 and I am glad I did. When I got there the line for those without appointments was way out the door. At first I thought, what are they not open yet? But nope these were non-appointments. I couldn’t find a place to park there either so I had to go to the courthouse parking lot behind the DMV. I was worried it was going to take me forever, but nope that’s the beauty of an appointment. I was out of there by 9:15.

I came home and got on the exercise bike for 15 minutes too. I have to start small. I am so out of shape.

This past weekend I discovered something that puts me in a very bad financial situation. I won’t go into the details but to suffice it to say it’s not good. It’s temporary but it’s bad and I spent some time crying over it this weekend. It is what it is though, so moving on.

I didn’t do any writing this weekend and I wasn’t really sorry about it either. I’ll see what I can get going soon.

Also the mother has had increasing bouts of dementia that is affecting our family. I mean she’s 91 so you can’t expect them to be happy and healthy forever and she’s had a good life but it’s been stressful.

I intended to do some closet cleaning this past weekend but honestly I am a little under the weather and tired and depressed so I didn’t bother. I don’t know about this coming weekend.

There’s a little humming bird outside my window right now sitting on a tiny tree we have on our patio. He looks quite a lot like this guy here. Super cute

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Okay Yes I Changed My Mind

Again, yes.

I’m all over the place today. I feel bad. My head hurts. I’m emotionally drained.

And yet I still must deal with rude, mean people. Somebody posted on For the First Time in My Life I was Happy on like Chapter Fucking Five that she thought she was supposed to be reading a Spirk story not a story with Spock and his fake relationship. And that’s what tags are for. Now fucking, seriously? Why in the world do people have to be so damn rude? It IS a Spirk story. I just don’t get it. Am I insane or are they?

You don’t have to read my work. You don’t have to like me. You don’t have to trust me. You don’t have to give a damn. I get it.

But I am weary of it.

 

So anyway, today I am just watching stupid stuff. The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. Halloween. Now I am about to watch The Fog.

I have been crying and depressed all day and that was just the straw.

So if I am short with you. Or mean. Or ignoring you. Or whatever…this is why. Because damn it’s hard right now. The news is depressing. And now I can’t even escape with my writing.

And yes I am ranting. And yes you can say “Fuck You” to me if that makes you happy.

But I am weary of it.

Updates to My Days Ahead

 

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This picture is to remind you I still need to write my winter story!

So I decided to get out of Dodge for a few days. I did hint that I might. I will be pretty much incommunicado Sunday, Monday and Tuesday.

I am also done posting anything to AO3 until Wednesday of next week at which time I will post the chapter of Didn’t We Almost Have it All that I wrote.

I think I updated a lot this week and since my readership is fading, I think that’s enough.

I do have a flash fic coming on Friday. I intend to concentrate on getting the final chapter of For the First Time in My Life I was Happy finished so I can post that next week too.

Those are my immediate plans anyway.

I’ve struggled pretty much all week with depression and my frenetic updates that are meant to help ME deal with it, only seems to hurt me in readership. No idea why that is, but that’s the scientific pattern. Anyway, so this is probably a much needed break for me.

In the meantime, I will play games, watch movies, have sex and chill some. Maybe read someone else’s stuff.

 

 

Ramblings of the Week, July 31, 2017

As we head into a new week, I find myself discouraged by plenty of things around me.

I’m not going to go into too many details but suffice it to say the amount of intolerance I see out of a great deal of Jesus’ followers is astounding if not appalling. I don’t generally get into that here, too much anyway, but I made the mistake of checking out the page of one of my relative’s friends and not only did she imply that McCain got brain cancer because he “threw down” with Liberals but she also said questioning your gender identity comes not from “God” but from “Satan”.*

Wow. 

What would Jesus say and do? I am pretty sure I can say 100% it would not be what she did.

It’s times like this that I seriously question humanity and how long we do and should have left on this planet. I have to say, if I were God, I would not be impressed.

In other happenings, I did have a lovely family dinner Saturday for a birthday of 91 years. I had two glasses of white wine, and then one glass of port.

I need to find a way to make a couple of million dollars so I can quit my job and pay off all my debts. I know, we all want that.

As far as what to work on this week, I don’t know. I think I won’t post anything else today. I did post a new chapter of Primal Lust. I am sure I will work on writing at lunch and it’s likely either going to be on Didn’t We Almost Have it All or For the First Time in My Life I was Happy.

I hope the week brings more peace to me and I stop reading about and listening to the haters. Taylor Swift’s Shake it Off comes to mind.

*I am well aware there are plenty of people who do not think like she does. Fortunately.

Mid-Week Ramblings, March 30 Edition

The last couple of days have been difficult for me depression-wise. It’s been a bit crippling. Reading a bunch of crap on the internet that has bugged the crap out of me didn’t help in the least either.

For a while, I was back thinking, fuck this, I am going to delete my account, delete everything, that’ll teach them. Who exactly will it hurt? Me.

A co-worker’s 16 year old nephew died of cancer. Just an innocent boy with hopes and dreams that will never ever have a chance of coming true.

My little tantrum over internet assholes seems pretty insignificant in the face of that.

I wonder, though, why some boy who has a 4.0 grade point average and likes to play video games, doesn’t get to make it past 16 but monsters like Charles Manson linger forever.

I saw Beauty and the Beast this week and quite liked it.

I don’t know what we will see next week but I am sure it will be something.

I finished my Big Bang T’hy’la story yesterday and sent it off to a BETA reader. I don’t really use BETA readers anymore (I used to) but this was a requirement of the challenge so I did. I really like what I wrote and when it finally gets posted in June, I hope you will too.

I don’t know what to post next. I think next on my spreadsheet is Me When I was Young but I am kind of wanting to write the next chapter of You are the Light. It may not get done or posted until Monday though. We will see.

Edited to add: I posted the chapter of Me When I was Young. Just one more to go on this story. I’m ready to conclude it.  

In the latest fiasco that is my game playing, for an online game I play on my computer, last Friday, I went to buy diamonds and egg shards (don’t ask, it’s for their spring quest). I decided to buy the most expensive package they were offering that day because I had just gotten paid. Then as I was paying through PAYPAL, it didn’t look like it went through, so I hit it again. You guessed it. I got charged twice, because indeed it did go through. I did get twice the stuff for it but since I had chosen the most expensive package you can imagine I was not pleased. I felt like a complete and utter fool.

I confessed my error last night to the SO. It went okay, considering. But there was some talk of blocking my game. Humph.

My friend, Soup, sent me a picture comparing Chris’ latest bald look (makes face) to Charlie Brown. Hilarious.

I will have a Flash Fic up tomorrow. It’s a little sinister.

Random Observations from My Currently Tortured Mind

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Above is where I wish I was today. In Germany. I’ve been there. At that castle. It’s gorgeous. Wish I was there this very second.

I’m tired. My emotional/mental state is seriously dragging right now.

I posted Who’s the Daddy and the response has been pretty good but now I have people telling me I don’t punish Spock enough and others arguing basically that Jim deserves to be treated badly because he slept with three people in 48 hours. It’s exhausted me and drained me and made me regret even posting it or anything right now, to be honest. Clearly I am not in the mood.

My family member is out of the hospital and recovering reasonably well. I will be seeing her this evening.

Is it just me or when you see the pictures from that interview Chris did with W Magazine the only reaction I could give was “Gee, I wish you’d wash your damn hair”. Sorry, greasy hair does nothing for me, even on Chris Pine.

So the other day we are watching the Karl Urban/Rock movie, Doom, for like the 10th time and there’s this strip of something lying on the tile floor on the way to our downstairs bathroom. Milo is going to the bathroom with the door open like always and goes, “What’s that on the floor?” I think it’s just like a strip of material or ribbon or something because the cats play with that stuff all the time. So I reached down to pick it up…and it’s a worm! Ugh. I screamed. Yes, I did. Which impressed the cats because they went running like Godzilla was coming through the front door or something. But it was slimy and wriggling like worms do. So I dropped it, picked up a tissue and killed it. Afterward, I was told I should have saved it and tossed it back outside. Keep in mind Milo has a bug jar he uses to traps spiders and the like to save their lives by returning them to the wild. I said next time he can pick up the worm.

What has this got to do with Doom? Not much. Other than that movie has some pretty gruesome things going on in it, like the tongue by itself just lashing around the lab. Yeah, Karl doesn’t always pick stellar movies to star in, let’s just say. But during a creepy movie to see a creepy worm, well, just gross.

My stomach has been bugging me for about three days now and I can honestly say I am sick of it.

For the World is Hollow

Don’t really know what that has to do with my post, I’m just a Star Trek nerd.

Sometimes I feel like this:

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Or maybe this:

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I love December and the holidays involved with it. But it is not without its stresses and also its sad moments. A couple of people I was very close to had birthdays in December and each year that passes with them no longer with us I cannot help but feel that heartbreak.

Neither died during December but their births remind me even though both have been gone several years now.

One was born on December 12, which has now already passed for the year, and though I won’t go into details of the significance or even the identity of this person, there is a particular Christmas song that reminds me, Augie Rios’ Donde Esta Santa Claus. For a long time I was unable to get this version, which is the one that I remember my loved one for. Then a few years back on December 12th, I was sitting in my car waiting at the train station when the radio station I was listening to played this song and that version. To this day I remember sitting there with tears streaming down my face.

I do not believe in God, have not for a very long time, but to say that was a freakish coincidence is putting it lightly.

Now, I own this song and play it at least once on the 12th, and other times too.

The other was born on the 18th, a week before Christmas. She has been gone fewer years than the other but her absence is also keenly felt.

And others, too. Each year sees changes in our holidays, absences that cannot be overlooked. And I feel that more as I get older. Your mortality hits you hard at some point.

Last night was not a good night for me. I spent the night in severe pain on my left side from a bad arthritic attack and no matter how I tried I could not get comfortable. Losing loved ones and living with pain is something you learn to get used to as you age, I guess. But all I know is that time is marching on and will eventually leave me behind.

Tomorrow, Saturday, I intend to do a lot of Christmas shopping. I want to finish everything. I have a good start but tomorrow it will be over, if I have anything to say about it. I admit I have gone way overboard this year. I just feel the need to. My credit cards will not thank me later.

And since more and more holiday stuff is coming up, I am beginning to think I have bitten off far more than I can chew with regard to my holiday stories. Should have learned to leave well enough alone.

I have no more time off from work coming up other than the regular holidays of December 26 (for Christmas) and January 02 (for New Year’s). I decided to let co-workers take the holiday time to be with their families. And I have a ton of work to do, as always.

Anyway, I am working on the next chapter of I Heard the Bells. Should be up tomorrow before I go marathon shopping.

Random Self-Loathing

I sometimes wonder how long it would take before anyone would notice if I didn’t post anything for days and days on AO3. I honestly think it would take most people a long time. And then they wouldn’t care.

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