He doesn’t want to be here. When he was young he liked parties, but he’s not young now. And even though the expert on all things Jim, Bones, has said all his vitals are good and strong due to the super blood running through his veins, he’s at mandatory retirement age for Starfleet.
It sounds just as weird thinking about it as it did out loud when he was told in what could only be described as a gentle nudge.
He remembers Bones talking about it when he hit retirement first. He was being “put out to pasture” in Bones Speak.
Jim’s gaze sweeps the noisy room, seeking out Spock, who dressed in Vulcan robes, speaks with a casually dressed Uhura.
He remember a time when he was jealous of her, even of their very close friendship after their romantic relationship ended. He never viewed his own friendship with Spock as being as close. It bothered him then.
But it doesn’t now. Everything they have has evolved into what they have now. It is beyond friendship and romance. Somehow. And he can’t really explain it but it feels right.
Better than right.
He is happy with life, except for the forced retirement.
Coincidentally, it is New Year’s Eve. Long ago he’d experienced a few painful ones. One in particular when he was still a young admiral.
He remembers the heartache like remembering a toothache when you are a child. It’s distant and no longer relevant, but a memory of one’s passage through life events.
He avoids the captain deliberately making a beeline for him by hurrying to the double doors leading outside. He should feel guilt but somehow he doesn’t.
He makes his way down to the oversized balcony he once stood at all those years ago and stops there. He looks down from there, at the side of the building where he once let go of a picture of himself and Spock.
A lot has changed since then.
Some has not.
He still never found out what happened to Sam. And that still breaks his heart when he thinks about it too much. He wishes he could have saved his brother. His mom wished that too when she was alive. But they both were unable.
“Admiral?”
A smile touches his lips as he turns to greet his husband.
“Not anymore, my love. Retirement, remember?”
“Indeed.” Spock pulls him into his arms and draws him close, holding him into the warmth of his embrace.
“It’s not cold tonight. You know, like it was then.”
“Mm. It has been a warmer year. What have you been thinking?”
“Little things, mostly. Wondering what the hell I’m going to do with retirement.”
“I feel certain I will find a way to occupy your time.”
Jim laughs and it feels good to do so.
Fireworks are suddenly released in the distance and Jim knows it’s time.
“What are your plans for New Year’s Eve with Jim?”
Spock does not know how to answer Leonard’s question. Jim has so far not specified any particular plans for them. Though Spock has been back in Admiral Jim Kirk’s life for a year now, a year to the day of New Year’s Eve, their relationship is not what it had been prior to Spock’s mistakes. He had hoped Jim would forgive him, but the truth was there was distance in Jim’s gaze even now.
“The Admiral has not disclosed any plans for us.”
“You didn’t plan anything? Sorta your anniversary, isn’t it?”
“Anniversary?”
“Your reconciliation.”
Spock hesitates. “I do not believe Jim feels reconciled.”
Leonard frowns. “What do you mean?”
“He holds himself back from me. A year later he still does not trust me. He believes I will leave again.”
His friend sighs. “He’s a tough egg, Spock. He was really devastated when you left. He needs time.”
“I know.”
And Spock has a lot of time. He is not sure Jim has. Jim is young for an admiral still, and yet, from the ambassador, Spock knows there is never really enough time. Not with Jim.
“I suspect we will have a quiet night at home.”
And it ends up being just that.
Jim never speaks of any celebratory plans and when Spock get to their apartment in San Francisco after his late lunch with McCoy, Jim is already there and his usual subdued self.
Subdued since their so-called reconciliation, that is.
“Hi.” Jim smiles at Spock and for the barest moment it warms Spock like it once did. The sun shines on his heart and he feels once more that Jim is his las’hark.
But the smile fades away, quickly, and Jim turns away to make himself coffee in the kitchen.
The “hi” suddenly seems less welcoming, more a greeting to a stranger than to a lover, to a husband. Spock’s side twists.
“Jim.”
He speaks the name softly almost reverently. Those blue eyes turn to him, seeking an answer Spock doesn’t know.
“Do you-do you want to go somewhere to celebrate the new year?”
Jim shakes his head. “No, let’s just stay here. Not really in the mood for crowds.”
Neither is Spock, really.
“I could make us some dinner,” Spock offers.
“I’m not really hungry at the moment. Later maybe?”
Spock begins to nod, but stops the motion as Jim has already turned away. He feels trapped in a nightmare of his own making, because, yes, Spock is aware that he had caused Jim to fall out of love with him.
He offers the only thing he can at this point.
“Jim, may we speak?”
Those eyes return to his, and there is something in that gaze that frightens Spock, but he tries not to let it. He thinks he could so easily misstep right now, and it is that that scares him.
“Okay.”
He draws Jim to a chair in the living room and has him sit. Spock thinks about standing above him, but that seems like he would be hovering and threatening in his body language and Spock does not wish to come off that way, so he drops down to his knees in front of Jim, noting the surprise there in those eyes.
Those eyes, so blue, have haunted Spock for so long.
Spock takes a breath. “Jim…”
“You’re leaving again,” Jim guesses.
And the pain of it hits Spock in the stomach like a physical blow.
“Neg…no,” Spock changes to the more simpler word at the last minute. Somehow the more intimate word, though he’s not sure why that is. “I will never leave again.”
He can tell that Jim still does not believe him. He doesn’t say, but Spock is able to read it in that closed off look he has had in his eyes for far too long.
“Even now, as I am aware that I have…lost your love…if all I am to have is your companionship, then I will accept that, and cherish it.”
Jim stares at him for so long, Spock has no idea what his response will be. Part of him fears that Jim will send him away. Spock doesn’t know what he will do if that is the case.
“You’re wrong.”
Spock does not know how to react or what he is wrong about. He remains nonplussed.
“You haven’t lost my love,” Jim clarifies. “I’ll always love you. That can’t and won’t change.”
Spock does not allow himself to feel relief. “But?”
Jim shakes his head. “I still don’t…” He stops, blows out a long breath.
“Trust me. Trust that I will not leave.”
“Yeah. I mean, you loved me before, I was your T’hy’la before. And you left anyway. People I’ve cared about have been leaving me all my life. I got used to it. But you…I thought it would be different.” Jim lowers his head, looking down at his fingers clenched in his lap. “It’s hard, Spock.”
Spock knows this. “Your heart remains cold.”
Jim sighs. It’s not a mean sigh or even resigned. It is simply a breath of air that seems somehow filled with both trepidation and promise.
His gaze is softer when he looks up at Spock. Warmer. Spock’s heartbeat quickens.
“Take me to bed.”
“Even when we are intimate, you hold back from me.” Spock isn’t sure this is the right thing to say, and yet he cannot help but say it. But there is no change in Jim’s expression. It is still warm and soft.
“I know,” Jim acknowledges. “I won’t. Not tonight. It’s-it’s been a year. Perhaps a new beginning?”
Spock will take whatever chance he can have with Jim and so they move from the living room to their bedroom.
Lovemaking is good. Very good. And as Spock moves inside Jim, it does feel different. More them. As they once were. More intimate, more feelings of love.
He lies on his back afterward, holding his sun to him, his las’hark. It feels somehow more hopeful than it has the past year, though Spock knows things are still far from perfect. He has a lot of work to do still to gain back Jim fully.
But this feels like a start.
He places his hand on Jim’s chest, over his heart. His chest feels very warm this night, warmer than he has felt in a long time, and it as though the warmth comes from within.
Spock opens their bond, hesitantly, though he does not force Jim to do the same. If Jim wishes to join Spock there he will.
Outside, fireworks go off and Spock knows midnight has come. It is a new year.
“Happy New Year, T’hy’la.”
He waits for Jim to speak those words in return, but they do not come verbally.
He feels them all over his body, through his veins, his muscles, and at last, in his mind.
Happy New Year, Spock.
Jim has joined their bond and Spock feels a tear escape.
Jim smiled at his husband as he closed and locked their apartment door. “Yeah, sorry. Mom and I had a few too many margaritas and decided to walk through the park.”
Spock held open his arms and Jim went into them immediately. He noticed how tight Spock hugged him.
“Hey, are you alright?”
“Yes.”
Jim pulled away and looked at him. “How’d it go with your dad?”
“As usual. I apologize, Jim, I should have gone with you to see your mother.”
“It’s no big deal.”
“It is. You are my mate and your needs are more important than mine.”
“Spock, that’s not true.”
“It is to me. How was your dinner?”
“Good. It was good.” Jim took his hand and led him over to the kitchen. “You want me to make you some tea or something?”
“I am fully recovered.”
Jim smiled. The truth was Spock looked wrecked. He had dark smudges under his eyes and he still had a tremor in his hands. But Jim did not argue. “Tea?”
“I can get whatever it is you need,” Spock said instead.
He sighed heavily, grabbed Spock’s hand, and now led him to the sofa. He pulled the Vulcan down to sit and then perched beside him.
“Listen to me. I’m fine. I’m not injured. I’m not frightened of you. I love you. Everything is good between us.”
“Your tissue was torn—”
“Sure, a little. But it got fixed. We were both exhausted but of course we were. You have to stop blaming yourself for something you couldn’t control. We got through it and we’re both good.”
Spock closed his eyes.
Jim took Spock’s hand and put it on his face. “Meld us. You’ll see how good we are.”
A moment later, Spock’s eyes opened and Jim smiled again.
“See?”
“I will never be all right with hurting you.”
“I know,” Jim said softly. “We’re good. I’m not hurt. I love you.”
Spock nodded and exhaled. “Do you think your mother would go to dinner with us tomorrow night?”
“Yes, I’m sure. But why don’t we invite her here and we’ll cook her dinner.”
“That is a good idea.”
“Tea?” Jim asked again.
“Let’s make it together.”
Jim chuckled, kissed him, and pulled him up from the couch. He’d text his mother later. Maybe after some very close time with Spock.
Jim opened the door to his dorm to his “bestie” Leonard “Bones” McCoy.
“Here.”
Bones thrust a paper bag into Jim’s hands and then brushed past him and into the dorm.
“What is this?” Jim asked, opening the bag to peer in.
“Custard filled donuts. And don’t eat them all at once. You shouldn’t be eating them at all. You should be eating salad. Or broccoli.”
“Salad or broccoli flavored donuts suck.”
“Har har. Where’s the coffee?”
“Haven’t made it yet.”
Bones frowned. “Didn’t you remember we were having breakfast this morning?”
“Well, see, uh, Yesterday, I kind of talked to Spock about—”
“Oh, good. So you got that straightened out, right? You’re definitely better without—”
Just then Spock emerged from the bedroom area of Jim’s dorm. To Jim’s amusement he was wearing Jim’s own robe and his hair was still quite messy. It was a very good look on him, Jim thought.
“Good morning, Doctor,” Spock said cooly.
When Spock came near, Jim put his hand on Spock’s arm and smiled.
“As I was saying, I talked to Spock yesterday about our relationship and he ended up spending the night. I did forget about breakfast. Sorry, Bones. I’ll get that coffee going right now.”
Bones stared at them. “You know what? Three’s a crowd. So Why don’t we make it another day?”
“You don’t have to leave. Now I feel bad.”
“Don’t. It’s fine, Jim. You deserve, uh, well, you know, if this is what you want, I support you.”
Jim smiled. “Thanks, Bones.”
When Bones was gone, he closed and locked the door, and faced Spock.
Spock quirked a brow. “I believe your plan was to show me another one of your secret talents.” Jim laughed and flung himself into Spock’s arms. “Yep. Let’s go back to bed.”
Jim smiles to himself as the message makes it to him. Not via PADD, although he’s certain that’s waiting for him, too, but he’s walking back from HQ to the apartment and he hasn’t looked.
It’s now 12:01. He hadn’t meant to leave so late, but there was so much to do, so much to plan for, and with Komack currently out of commission it fell to Jim.
Happy New Year, he said in kind, then added, I Miss You.
He stopped on the way at his favorite pizza place, knowing Jock would keep it open for Jim, which was why had had called ahead.
“Here you go, Admiral. Extra cheese just like you like it.”
“Thank you. And Happy New Year.”
The apartment was dark, of course, until Jim set the lights on, then put his pizza down. There was some old legend, he’d long forgotten the source for it, that said you’d spend the year doing what you did that first day, so that meant he’d be eating pizza, he guessed.
After grabbing a slice, he checked his PADD and sure enough there was a message from Spock.
Happy New Year, T’hy’la. I miss you more than I can say.We’ve come along way together in the last two years and I know that together our love and bond will only grow stronger. I cannot wait to be reunited.
Jim smiled faintly. Two years ago, his heart remained cold to Spock when Spock returned after rejecting Jim. But a year ago, he’d given Spock a second chance. Their relationship was better than it had been before Spock had rejected him, and though Spock was currently off Earth due to Sarek’s illness, everything was good and Jim didn’t miss Spock too much.
But boy was his Vulcan a mushy romantic these days.
He typed that very thing and only a moment later he got a response.
Yes. You are eating pizza.
Through the bond
Jim chuckled. “How did you know?” he asked out loud.
I can smell it.
Smell it? Is there smellivision in the bond?
That would be convenient, but no. Open the door, Admiral.
Smiling big, Jim rose from the table, ran to the front door, and greeted his husband with open arms and a big kiss.
“Now it’s a Happy New Year.”
Jim and Spock from His Heart Remained Cold and Spock’s Second Chance
Spirk (with a small dose of Pinto) 