Spirk (with a small dose of Pinto)

Fan Fiction and Personal Ramblings


Post Star Trek Beyond

Flash Fic, January 06, 2023

Just a quickie inspired by J advising that this date is Spock’s birthday (years into the future of course)

Photo by Ylanite Koppens on

Jim found his first officer alone gazing out from a balcony that overlooked one of the parks in Yorktown. It was just outside of a conference room and something about Spock’s body language gave him pause.

“You okay?”

Spock let out a slow, soft breath, then glanced at Jim. “Nyota and I have ended our relationship.” He paused. “For good I believe.”

“Yeah? I mean, you guys seemed like you were getting close again just two days ago.”

“We disagree on the direction our relationship should take,” Spock replied. “It is not altogether unexpected. It has been challenging between us for a while.”

Jim nodded. “Okay. Listen, how come I didn’t know today was your birthday?”

Spock blinked at him. “I do not know. Vulcans are not in the habit of marking their birth as a remembrance, but it is a part of my official record.”

“I think there’s a reprimand there somewhere,” Jim said. He put his hand on Spock’s arm. “Funny our birthdays are so close together. That’s crazy.”

“I see no particular significance in it.”

“Well, I do. I’ve never had a birthday buddy before.”

Spock frowned. “Birthday buddy?”

“You know you really should have been part of the party two days ago. If I had known…you know, Bones has to know, right?”


“I’m sure he does. I’ll have to have a word with him.”

“Captain, I do not think that is necessary.”

Jim ignored that to say, “Want to go have a birthday drink with me?”

Spock glanced away, out at the park. “I am not in the mood.”

Jim deflated. “Oh. Okay.”

Spock straightened away from the railing and faced Jim. “But if you are amenable, we could have tea in my temporary quarters.”

Jim’s gaze met Spock’s and the warmth there made him smile. “I’m definitely amenable.”   

Flash Fic, December 28, 2022

This one ended up having more legs than I intended and could possibly be the beginning of a new story! Oh well LOL

Photo by Posawee Suwannaphati on

“Did you ever think we’d be together like this on Yorktown for the week between Christmas and New Year’s?” Jim asked his mom as they strolled along the street together toward the restaurant where he’d made a reservation for them.

“No way. It’s bene years since we’ve seen each other in person, let alone got to spend any quality time together. It was sheer luck that had me having to come here for my boss while you’re still here stuck waiting for the Enterprise.”

Jim agreed. “Most of my crew’s been temporarily assigned elsewhere. It was just fortuitous they decided to keep me assigned to Yorktown.”

His mom smiled and linked her arm with his. “I can hardly believe it. I’ve been so excited to get here. You didn’t need to arrange a fancy dinner though.”

“There’s not a huge kitchen in my apartment and the replicated food is okay, but I figured one night while you’re here, we can splurge.”

She sighed. “You’re right, of course. And it’s been a long time since I had a real dinner out, let alone with you.”

They arrived at the restaurant and shortly after got seated.

Jim ordered them a bottle of red wine while they settled in.

“When was it, you think?”


“Last time we went for a real dinner together.”

“Oh, gosh, Mom. Probably my first year in the Academy.”

“See? Absolutely shameful.”

The waiter returned with the bottle and poured them each a glass. Jim sent the waiter away and told him to come back for their dinner order in about fifteen minutes.

“We live in different worlds, mostly.” Jim leaned back after talking a sip of his wine. “Literally. Things could be a lot worse. At least we’re both still alive, yeah?”

She gave him a gentle smile. “Thanks to the miracles of modern medicine for you. And probably still some of that luck for both of us. How is your first office?”

Of course she’d guesseed his reference to Spock when speaking of lost parents. She’s met Spock once back when she visited Jim in the hospital back when he’d been “revived”. And she knew all about Nero. All too well.

“Good, I think. He was temporarily assigned to a science vessel exploring sector 24. He’s supposed to be back to Yorktown next week.”

“And you miss him, don’t you?”

Jim laughed. “Mom, come on. I mean yeah, I miss him because we’re friends. That’s all. He’s got a girlfriend or a fiancé or whatever.”

“Are they engaged?”

He shrugged. “I have no idea. I’d heard they were off and then after my ship was destroyed they were on.”

“Hmm. Are they on assignment together?”

“No separate assignments. He hasn’t mentioned her when we’ve communicated but that’s not unusual.” He waved that away. “Enough about Spock. Let’s order.”

He flagged down the waiter and they both ordered steaks and baked potatoes.

“This realy is an indulgence,” she said. “I can’t remember when I last had steak. Your dad was a vegetarian.”

“I didn’t know that.”

She smiled wistfully. “Oh not always. He tended to change his eating habits at his whim. He’d eat nothing but chicken. Then everything but chicken.” She laughed. “Whatever some fad was he’d read about. At the end though, yes, he was a vegetarian. And after, well, replicated steak isn’t so great. And I wasn’t…” She sighed again and shook her head.


“I wasn’t home much after that. But you know that better than anyone, Jim. And here I’m going on about food when you were…:

“Hey.” He reached across the table and took her hand. “Tarsus was a long time ago now. And we’re having a nice dinner remember? Just the two of us.”

“Yes, you’re right.” She drank some wine. “I wish it could be three of us.”

“A logical friend of mine tells me not to have regrets,” Jim said gently.

“You’re right again. All right, all right. Tell me about the new Enterprise then.”

He perked up right away and began to tell his mom all about the improvements his new lady would have.

They had a nice dinner and Jim didn’t think about Spock again. Much anyway.

Throwback Thursday #3

This one is a little more recent.
Revealing, first published February 02, 2019


Spock looked around for his captain, who seemed to have disappeared from his own birthday party. He had other matters to discuss with Jim that he had not wanted to discuss with the crew in attendance. But now it seemed as though he had somehow missed Jim and the captain had departed to whereabouts unknown.

This was not welcome, for Jim had been in the corner of the room earlier that night talking with a blonde woman, who seemed to like to touch the captain frequently.

He was aware Jim had a thing for blondes. Or seemed to. Prior to her departure from the Enterprise, an unexpected departure most agreed, Carol Marcus seemed to always be around their captain. Spock had suspected they’d had an intimate relationship, but Jim had never confirmed this. Spock had heard, though, from a comment from McCoy at the time that Jim was in trouble with Starfleet. He could only surmise it had to do with Lieutenant Marcus.

Spock had no desire to remain at the birthday party without the honoree, so he left, and went out of the building and to a platform that took him out to the viewing point of the Enterprise. This was a closer look than the one they had all gazed at together earlier during the party.

He recalled the conference he’d had with his father earlier that day.

“You are not coming to New Vulcan,” Sarek stated. There was no judgment in his tone, but Spock heard it, nonetheless.

“My circumstances have changed, and it requires I remain with the Enterprise.”

“The Human.”

Spock acknowledged this with a tilt of his head.

“I hope that he is worth it.”

Spock was only mildly surprised that his father had guessed.

He heard her footsteps before she called out to him, “Spock! There you are.”

He turned to face Nyota, who had either followed him or had anticipated his habits, he was unsure which.

“Hello, Nyota.”

She smiled at him, setting her hand on the sleeve of his shirt, as she leaned into him to give him a kiss. Spock turned at the last moment so that she only got his cheek.

Nyota narrowed her eyes, but didn’t immediately comment. She looked out over at the ship. “It’s beautiful.”


She glanced at him. “I want to talk about us. If we’re going to reconcile, truly, and I want to, I need something more, Spock. I’d been meaning to talk to you about all of this, well, before, but then we made the choice to end things, and there was no point. But now, after everything we’ve been through, I want to take our relationship to the next level. We’ve talked about bonding in the past, but we’ve never gotten very far, but now that we’re waiting for the ship to be rebuilt, I want to go to New Vulcan and get bonded.”

Spock knew that this conversation was long overdue, but it didn’t make it any easier. Not for him. Not for her. But he had no choice.

“Nyota, I care for you immensely. You are dear to me and always will be. You have been a great friend and companion to me. I am, however, emotionally unable to offer you the level of commitment you require from me.”

For a long time, he felt her stare, but he did not look in her direction. He felt ashamed of his cowardliness, but he acknowledged its existence. This was the very reason Vulcans chose logic.

“Spock, look at me.”

He did, then, for it would be rude not to, and anyway, it was proper. Her expression was one of emotional despair, her mouth crumbled down, her eyebrows furrowed.


“You haven’t changed your mind, have you? You aren’t going to New Vulcan to settle after all, are you?”

“No, I am not.”

“All right, then…I’d like to understand, Spock.”

“I am…emotionally attached to another,” Spock said honestly.

“You mean you are in love with someone else?” Her voice was whisper soft.

He nodded. “Yes.”

“I see.”

“It gives me no pleasure to hurt you, Nyota, with this confession. I never intended to feel this way. I actively fought against it.” To no avail, he thought.

She turned away, looking out at the Enterprise, her bottom lip trembling. “This one you love, human?”


“On the ship?”

He hesitated and then said, “Yes.”

She closed her eyes and exhaled slowly. Then she nodded. “You’ve been in love with him for a long time, haven’t you?”

Spock was only slightly startled that she had guessed who he loved, for he knew she had. In reality, he supposed, there was never any doubt, for there were only two humans he was truly close with and one of them was her.

“Perhaps longer than I was willing to admit,” he acknowledged.

She opened her eyes to look at him, and though her eyes were filled with pain, there were no tears. “Does Kirk feel the same way?”

“Unknown. I have not yet had the chance to speak with him. However, whatever his feelings, whether mine are returned or not, it would do you an injustice to renew our romantic relationship.”

Her mouth thinned slightly. “It was never your intention to get back together with me, was it? When we broke up before Krall, that was it for you.”

“Yes. I knew then I could no longer deny my love for the captain, whether I departed the Enterprise or not, it was not fair to you to continue to pretend otherwise.”

Nyota shook her head.

“I do love you, Nyota.”

“Not in the way I want. Not in the way I have grown accustomed to.”

Spock swallowed. “No.”

“I’ve been through this once already. You’d think it would be easier the second time.”


“I’m going to go now. I think it best, for the time being, that we don’t see each other, Spock.”

“If that is your wish, I will honor it.”

She said nothing more then, just reached over and squeezed his hand, and then hurried off in the direction she’d come.

Spock breathed in deeply. He did not want to go the way she’d gone, did not want to risk running into her or interrupting her grieving. He had no idea what her plans were or where she would go. In the immediate time and in the future.

He turned to go the other way and saw Jim standing in the shadows. Spock gasped.  He could not help but wonder, even as Jim fully revealed himself, how much Jim had overheard.

“Captain.” Spock heard the warble in his own voice, but he could not have prevented it. Jim stared at him as though he looked straight into Spock’s katra. He felt bared in a way that was quite uncomfortable to him.

A question formed on his lips, perhaps a distraction from what Jim might have heard, but they fell away, all words, all thoughts, really, as Jim took a step forward, out of the shadows into full view of Spock.

Jim’s hair was in vague disarray, messier than when Spock had last seen him at the party. Somehow the bruised and battered eye and cheek made the blue of his eyes stand out that much more…startling. He still had not spoken a word, but those blue eyes darted all over Spock and the area around them.

Spock had a moment where he considered Jim’s messy hair could be from the activities he’d engaged in with the blonde from the party. But even if that were the case, Spock had no right to feel the rush of jealousy and possessiveness he felt just then. He and the captain were not involved in a relationship.

And it was when Jim took another step forward that Spock realized his captain was shaking. But before Spock could become unduly alarmed, Jim suddenly launched himself at Spock, pressing his lips so hard against Spock’s that it forced Spock to take a startled step back of his own.

But he recovered quickly, hands roaming up to seize Jim’s biceps, and yank him forward so that their bodies were flush together. Jim’s arms wrapped around his neck, his mouth opening to slide his tongue into Spock’s mouth.

They could have been kissing for hours, an eternity, really, and it would not have been enough. Not for Spock. There was nothing like kissing Jim. Or being kissed by Jim. He was not inexperienced. In anything really, save for kissing Jim. And now, Spock intended to experience a lot of that.

When Jim briefly pulled his mouth from Spock’s, Spock chased his lips until they were on Jim’s again, his body pushing Jim’s against the wall of the building until Jim was trapped there, held between Spock’s legs, Spock’s arms.

Spock sunk his teeth briefly into Jim’s bottom lip and the softer whimper Jim gave in response went straight to Spock’s cock, hardening him. He pressed against Jim, who gasped when he felt the hard ridge of Spock’s arousal.

“My room,” Jim whispered on a ragged breath.

“Mine is closer.”

There was a hitch in Jim’s breath when Spock lifted him up so that his feet no longer touched the ground. Jim slipped a hand inside Spock shirt to touch the bare skin of the top of his back, just below his neck, and Spock felt like he’d been scorched. With Jim holding on for purchase he nearly slammed Jim against the building in his need to take that mouth.

“Spock, room.”

He managed to nod, but still it was almost impossible to pull himself away from Jim, even long enough to get them to some place appropriate for such activities. Part of his brain told him that this was all an illusion, a fantasy he had conjured up, and if he let loose of Jim even for a moment his captain would disappear into a puff of smoke and he’d still be standing by himself at the balcony overlooking the building of the Enterprise.

But he could not risk such exposure for his captain. Not on Yorktown. Not anywhere, really. So he finally forced himself to back away from Jim, before reaching for and seizing hold of Jim’s wrist to pull him from the area.

Jim went with him, willingly, and though others might have attempted to call their attention or perhaps even openly stared at them, Spock paid them no mind.

It was true that his temporary quarters on Yorktown were closer to their location than Jim’s were as the captain had been put up in luxurious accommodations due to his status as both their commanding officer and a hero as far as the leadership and occupants of Yorktown were concerned. He knew Jim had protested that it was never just him, but he’d been given the accommodations even still. Part of Spock thought he should take Jim all the way to those rooms, because surely Jim deserved such honors and deserved any pampering Jim could get from them and from Spock, but impatience won out and he turned in the direction of the building he was staying in.

He’d left the light on in his quarters, something he didn’t usually do, but for once it had been in his favor, because it meant the room was lit and he didn’t have to stop kissing his captain long enough to have them turned on.

And he had been kissing Jim as soon as they’d entered the private corridor. Kissing him and backing him toward the door, not caring at all if someone came along to see them in such a compromising situation.

By the time they were inside, Jim’s lips were wet and puffy from kissing. And a little breathless. Spock should slow down, let the human breathe, he knew that. But yet he couldn’t stop himself from chasing those addicting lips each time they got away from him.

Jim’s pupils were blown wide. He looked disheveled and wanton and despoiled. It made Spock burn.

If this would be the way his Pon Farr would begin one day, Spock would not be at all surprised. Because yes, he was on fire for Jim. His blood was heated. He yanked the leather coat off Jim’s shoulders with perhaps more force than was strictly necessary. But the coat fell to the floor at their feet.

The bed was across the room, too far for Spock’s liking, but their first time, he would not have against the wall or on the floor. Jim deserved care. To be cherished in all ways.

“Spock,” Jim gasped, gulping in a lungful of air as he actually put his hands against Spock’s chest. He laughed then, proving to Spock he was not cross. “Give me a second.”

“I apologize. It is just—”

“No. No apologies.” Jim yanked on the color of Spock’s shirt and fastened their lips together in a searing kiss. “You’re wearing too many clothes, mister.”

Somehow they got Spock’s shirt off—a shirt that had been a gift from Nyota during a shore leave—he was not sure if it was him or Jim that managed to remove it, but Spock tossed it away, behind him, so that it hit the door of his quarters. He kicked off his shoes and watched as Jim did the same.

Next he turned to Jim’s shirt, and honestly Spock would have been happy to shred it from Jim’s body, but just as his fingers moved to the edges of the sleeves to do so, Jim threw him a very disapproving captain’s look. He allowed Jim to rid himself of the shirt.

For a moment, all Spock could do was stare. Jim was beautiful, Spock had known that, and he was still, incredibly so, but his chest and arms were also covered in contusions from his battle with Krall.

“Hey,” Jim said, softly. “What’s that look for?”

“Your injuries—”

Jim put his fingers on Spock’s lips to stop his words. “Let’s not spoil this moment, okay? I’m fine. I’m good. Nothing hurts. And I really want you to show me just what you’ve been bottling up inside.”

He slipped his hand into Spock’s trousers and pulled him toward the bed.

“You’re so gorgeous,” Jim said. “I just want to feel you everywhere.”

Spock agreed with that sentiment in reverse so he pushed Jim down until he lay flat on the mattress.  Their erections pressed against each other and the hard ridge of Jim’s arousal had Spock groaning. While Spock would have almost been content to engage in perhaps hours of frottage, he was also eager to fully join with Jim. He had been imagining their coitus too long to just stop at rubbing against each other, but it was a near thing.

“Get out of these,” Jim whispered urgently.

“I will get you out of yours first,” Spock returned. He was pleased that Jim’s zipper slid down without encumbrance and even more so when Jim lifted up so that Spock could slip Jim’s jeans down and off his body with ease. He removed Jim’s boxer briefs, too.

He paused again to admire the beauty of Jim’s male form. He was hardness and muscle, sculpted like an ancient Greek or Roman statue. But no mere cold marble, but warm and giving flesh.

“Now you.”

Spock nodded, reluctant to pause in his worship of Jim long enough to remove his own clothing, but also eager to have bare flesh touch bare flesh.

He rose enough only so that he could remove his own pants and underwear and then returned to Jim, who held his arms open to receive him.

“Lube?” Jim asked.


Jim looked down at Spock’s erection and smiled. “How lucky.”


His captain laughed. It was amazing sound. Especially knowing he had been the cause of it. Jim didn’t laugh nearly enough and if Spock had anything to say to change that, he definitely would.

Their gazes met and held as Spock rose above Jim, Jim’s body tilted so that Spock had perfect access to Jim’s entrance. At first there was a slight resistance, a too tightness. But then the tension left Jim, his muscles relaxed and he accepted Spock fully into him.

There was no way they could last for long. It was too intense, too much wanted, too much dreamed of, for far too long. And there would be time, later, on Yorktown, on the Enterprise, wherever and whenever they went, to explore, to be together, in every way possible.

But now, as they were, Spock’s thrusts were frantic, deep, fast, desperate. He wanted to fill Jim up, mingle their scents, mark them for all time as lovers, soulmates.

With one tug on Jim’s shaft, his captain was screaming hoarsely, his open mouth gasping against Spock as Spock pounded into him until he too screamed, from him, Jim’s name, stripping his throat to rough soreness, and he cared not at all.

He didn’t want to move after, and for a long time he didn’t. Jim did not protest either, he just held Spock to him, arms wrapped snugly around Spock’s middle.

Eventually he slipped out and off, and would have risen and went to clean them, but Jim tugged him back to lie down beside him.

Spock’s fingertips caressed Jim’s jaw, so beautiful. “I suppose this means that you share my feelings.”

Jim laughed again and the warmth bubbled up from him and into Spock. It was a strange feeling.

“What is?” Jim asked.

And Spock realized he had spoken the thought out loud.

“I feel…happy.”’

“Get used to it,” Jim returned. “And yes, Spock. I share your feelings.” His lashes covered the blue for a moment, too long for Spock. He could be mesmerized by those eyes. And in fact, had been, many times. “I didn’t think…well…”

“Nor did I.”

Jim’s gaze flew to his. “You won’t leave?”

“I will not.” Spock hesitated. “And you?”

The smile lit up Jim’s face. And perhaps the room, no matter the cliché. “Not a chance.”

Spock kissed him.

“You’re right.”

“About what, Captain?”

That treasured laugh again. Spock wanted it endlessly.

“It is a strange feeling, happiness. But I think I like it.”

“Me too, ashayam. Me too.”  

Tuesday’s Guess the Fic #2

Today you get several lines to see if you know the fic…

This fic debuted in September 2017…

Photo by Pixabay on

Bones rushed in as though Jim was in imminent danger or something.

“Aren’t you supposed to be on the planet?”

“I’m back.”

His frown deepened. “But Sulu was supposed to—”

“Sulu was supposed to?” Bones prompted, already moving toward Jim with his medical tricorder out.


“Distract me with minor invented injuries so I wouldn’t notice you’re sicker than a dog?”

“Where’d that saying come in anyway?”

Bones shook his head. “You have a damn fever, Jim.”

“Is that why my eyelids are hot?”

“Idiot. Well, you’ve got a zinger of a cold, that’s for sure.”

Jim nodded. “I figured that’s what it was. I took myself off duty and I’ve got tea and everything.”

Bones looked past him to his screen. “That doesn’t look like you’re off duty.”

“Bones, I have reports oozing out of my hot eyeballs.”

“Yeah? How come?”

“That new damn Admiral Colton. He doesn’t like me,” Jim said, with a touch of petulance he could not help. “Mom says he went to the academy with Dad and that he never liked Dad either. They were rivals or something.  And ever since he found out I wanted that vice admiral job on Yorktown he’s been looking for ways to prove I’m unfit for command.”

“What? Why?”

Jim shrugged. “I don’t know. He’s got something against me. Implies I have daddy issues or whatever. He wants me subjected to psych eval.”

“Psych eval? Why haven’t I been notified?”

“Because so far I’ve put him off that idea.” Jim sighed. “So here I am proving myself all over again. All of this has to be in before shore leave, which he barely agreed to, I might add. I can’t afford to be sick, Bones.”

“But, Jim, you are sick,” Bones protested.

“So shoot me with some hypos, feed me chicken soup, and be done with it.”

Bones leaned on the desk. “You’re suggesting hypos?”

Jim grabbed his tea and cradled it in his hands. “Desperation.”

“Why not ask Spock for help?” Bones asked, even as he pushed a hypo into Jim’s neck.

Jim bit his lip. “I don’t know. Things are still kind of strange between us.”


“He tried to leave and I tried to leave and we both know it now. And, to be honest, we were kind of on strange terms even before all that. He kept giving me strange looks across the room.”

“Spock always gives you strange looks,” Bones told him. “You’re too illogical for his logical brain to take.”

“The last thing I want to do is push him to decide to leave again by piling work on him,” Jim told Bones. Then he smiled a little. “Anyway, I’m hoping if we can just get this shore leave, it’ll be better.”

“Hmm. What are we doing for this shore leave?”

“Oh nope. I’m not your wingman this time, Bones. I have plans. You’ll have to find someone else to hang with for shore leave.”

Bones eyed him. “Wait. You have plans? With Spock?”

“Get real. Of course not with Spock. He doesn’t even take shore leave, you know that.”

There was one time with Uhura where she had finally convinced him to go with her and they’d had such a disastrous time they hadn’t spoken for a full week. Another one of their on-again, off-again things. Which was a large reason Jim was convinced they’d be on-again in no time. There was a time…but no. He didn’t go there anymore. And wouldn’t.  

“This time I’d say he needs it and you should go with him.”

“What? Bones, come on. Not that depressed Vulcan bullshit again. Spock’s fine. And he doesn’t need me to hold his hand or babysit him,” Jim insisted. “I’m spending my leave with Areel.”

“Areel Shaw?”


“Are you nuts? She tried to ruin your career two years ago or have you forgotten?”

“Oh that.” Jim took a sip of his tea, happy as it soothed his aching throat.

“You must be delirious. Areel is not for you.”

Jim snorted at that but it didn’t work due to his clogged nose. It sort of came out sounding too wet and gross. “I’m not going to marry her, Bones. We’re just going to spend leave together. A while back I saw her on Yorktown—”

“You mean you fucked her.”

“Well, sure. Why not? Everyone else was doing their thing, why shouldn’t I?” Jim sighed. “Anyway, we’ve kept in touch ever since. The shore leave thing came up and it worked out in both our favors. So, no offense, Bones, but I have plans and I’m not changing them.”

“If you’re better.”

“I’ll be better.” He smiled. Ignored the pounding in his head. “I need to get back to these reports, so—”

“I’m going. But I intend to check on you later. Make sure you get rest and fluids.”

“Thanks Mom.”

“Shut up.” Bones straightened away from the desk. He went over to the replicator and then returned with chicken soup which he put beside Jim. “Eat that.”


“And go to bed early.”


“And don’t contaminate anyone else.”

If nothing else this will make you re-read some old fics! LOL

Flash Fic, 02/21/2020

This one may have you out with pitchforks! LOL

Spock stood to the side, well away from his captain who was leaning in close to speak with Lieutenant Carol Marcus. He was not part of the conversation, and though he could have likely heard if he strained to do so, Spock chose not to eavesdrop.

Marcus appeared to be upset, though she was not crying. After a moment, she shook her head, briefly put her hand on the captain’s arm, then turned and fled in the opposite direction.

Spock had been surprised to see her. She had abruptly aborted her intention to be on the Enterprise after just a few short weeks. There had been rumors, plenty of them, that she had engaged in an ill-fated romance with Captain Kirk. Spock paid little heed to rumors, whether they were true or false.

He hadn’t expected to see her again, so had been surprised when she appeared on Yorktown during their leave to repair, rebuild more accurately, the Enterprise. He was aware that she had monopolized much of their captain’s time since then.

“Uh oh. That didn’t look good.”

He glanced at Nyota who stood next to him.

“You should go see if he’s okay.”

“He appears to be fine, Nyota.”

She sighed. “Spock, that looked intense. Has he told you? Was she intending to get back together with him?”

Spock bristled at this. “He has not said so. It would be illogical for her to believe that she can…”

“Spock. Go and talk to him.”

“But you and I were on our way for tea.”

She rolled her eyes. “With him. Before she stopped him. I can still meet you guys there.” She squeezed his arm. “It’s your duty.”

“As first officer?”

“No. His boyfriend.” She pushed him toward the captain, who still stood there, stiffly, his back to them.

Spock exhaled and approached. “Captain, are you well?”

Jim looked at him, eyes so tumultuous they looked nearly black in his face. “We have a son.”  

Bonding (Chapter Two)


The place looked pretty much the same since I’d last seen it. From the outside anyway. I know Mom had made some changes inside, as she’d told me during one of our conversations a few months back.

The farmhouse had belonged to Mom’s parents. Dad had never lived in it. Mom inherited it after her folks had died and that was after Dad was killed. During Mom’s marriage to Frank, he had decided it belonged to him. I recalled many times when he referred to it as “my house”.

While I was gone, on Tarsus IV, Frank had a massive heart attack in the yard here by the barn. He didn’t die then, but he became incapacitated, and Mom had placed him in a care facility for the remainder of his days located in Sioux City. I had never visited him there. Shortly after our battle with Khan, Frank finally left this world. Neither Mom nor I mourned.

“Everything looks the same from here,” I commented.

“It definitely is out here. I thought about changing around the back porch a little, maybe covering it or something, but haven’t gotten around to it.”

I smiled faintly. When I came back from Tarsus, Mom and I spent an evening out there on that porch, smoking cigars of all things. It was an effort at bonding. It mostly worked, I think. “I can probably help you with that while I’m here.”

I figured unless Starfleet bugged me, I’d stick around Riverside with Mom until the Enterprise was ready.

“Maybe the three of us together,” she said, as she led the way up from the car to the side door. We’d never used the front door as long as I remembered. It was a big monstrosity of a door facing out toward a group of thick trees. It was always kept locked. Nobody that ever came to the house came that way either, as if by some kind of mutual agreement.

She flicked on an old fashioned switch when we stepped inside. The first thing I noticed was that she’d put in hardwood floors throughout the first floor and one of those big fact cooking islands with a granite top in the kitchen. She’d redone the cabinets too.

“Looks really good.”

She flushed with pride. “Took me forever but I got it done.”

She had reason for her pride, too, for I knew she’d done the work herself. Once Frank was out of our lives, Mom had determined she would be man free for the rest of her life and quite self-sufficient. I was proud of her accomplishments and amazed at her talent.

“You can stay in your old room,” she said then. “Why don’t you go up and get settled and do whatever you need to do. I’ll make a pot of coffee and you can just come down when you’re ready.”

“Great. Thanks, Mom.”


I turned back around to look at her. She was smiling, a little strained.

“I guess I wanted to say that just because Spock doesn’t love you, it doesn’t mean you’re not worthy. You’re the best person I’ve ever known. Brave and smart and strong. You’ve saved so many people and you’re worth so much.”


“And you’re cute besides.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Really, really cute.”


“You’re worth everything, Jim.”

“You have to say that because you’re my mom.”


“I’m kidding. I’m all right, Mom. I’ll get over Spock. I’ll get over this. Because I have to. And I want to. It might take some time, but I will.”

She nodded. “Okay.”

I went up the stairs two at a time and then down the hallway to the last room. The minute I pushed the door open I saw she’d made changes here too. The wood floors had been installed here and there was a big fluffy throw rug dotted with the night sky and the stars. It ran from under the bed all the way to the dresser. It made me smile.

She’d also put in a half bath attached to the room with a toilet and a sink. I’d still have to go down the hall to shower, but this was definitely nice.

I flung my suitcase up on to the bed and unzipped it to unpack. I took out my PADD first to send a message to Bones, per my instructions.

I made it. Not that there was ever any doubt! Mom picked me up and I’m unpacking now. She promises me all my favorites for dinner. She must really think I’m pathetic. Only thought about Sp…you know what? Never mind. King of Wishful Thinking and all that. Hope things are all right with you there and that Jo gave you a great big kiss and hug. Love you, Jim.  

Wasn’t even sure why I added that last bit. But whatever. Hit send.

I put the PADD away and then stuffed my clothes into the drawers and hung up some in the closet. Took a leak in the bathroom too.

Then I went over to the window and looked out. Leaning against the glass, I watched the trees and other foliage move in the wind. I could feel the tears threatening but I determinedly pushed them away. Wondered what time it was on New Vulcan and if Spock and Uhura were having dinner with Sarek, all cozy and all.

“Who cares? I don’t.”

I left the room then and went down to have coffee with Mom.

Bonding (Chapter 1)

Hello there. I have decided to start a new Blog Fic. Eventually, probably, it will make it to AO3, when much further along than it is now. It’s going to be very angsty to start with, so fair warning. This is a first person fic, in Jim’s POV, since I am a Jimmer.  I will post chapters as I write them, no particular day. Without further ado, here’s the first chapter.


Today all hope is lost.

Not that I ever really had any. I learned long ago that hope was for others whose last names weren’t Kirk.

Today Spock came to me to advise his commanding officer that he and Uhura were planning on officially bonding on New Vulcan prior to the launch of the new Enterprise.

They had reconciled after the events of Altamid and their connection was now deeper than ever.

I wished them well and declined to attend the intimate ceremony, advising that I had plans of my own, spending time with my mother in Riverside.

I departed on the next transport ship leaving Yorktown for Earth.

Bones had joined me, not with the intention of going to Iowa, but to make his own uncomfortable journey of spending time with his daughter in Georgia. We were both solemn and quiet.

We departed each other’s company, temporarily, in San Francisco. He would continue on to Savannah on a shuttle and I would continue on to Riverside. If he noticed I held on to him a little longer than I should have, he didn’t comment on it. With promises of keeping in touch, I got on the shuttle without looking back.

I typed a message to Mom, letting her know I was on my way, and she responded right away that she would pick me up. I slept on the shuttle, because there was nothing to do but drink or sleep, and my mood was too despondent to drink.

True to her word, she was waiting for me when I got off the shuttle. She looked good. Much better than the last time I had seen her. Less haggard and tired. She’d lost weight and even wore some makeup.

“Hello, darling,” she greeted me, pulling me into her soft embrace. And it was then that I couldn’t help it, couldn’t keep it in even one minute more. The tears fell. “Oh, Jim. It’ll be all right.”

I nodded and pulled back, wiping my eyes.

She smiled. “I have all your favorites planned for dinner. All homemade. None of this replicated crap.”

“You didn’t have to do all that,” I mock protested. Because I was glad she had and we both knew it.

She linked her arm in mine as we left the shuttle bay for her hover car.

“I have another surprise for you.”


“It isn’t bad,” she assured me. “Or I don’t think it is. Sam’s coming at the end of the week.”

My steps faltered. “Sam?”

Mom bit her lip. “I know you haven’t seen him since—”

“He took off and left me alone with Frank when I was thirteen,” I said. “Yeah, trust me, Mom. I know.”

“I want us to reconnect as a family again, Jim. Franks gone, thankfully, and you and I both have time, you before you go back out on the new Enterprise, and when Sam mentioned wanting to see us, how could I say no?”

“I could have.”

“Jim.” She said his name softly, sadly, and what else could he do but give in?

“Okay. I’ll try, Mom.”

She hugged him again and then grabbed his hand, pulling him to their hover car.

The Sight, Chapter 4

Jim was wrung out. They’d decided to have a memorial get-together of his senior bridge crew for Chekov once everyone had arrived back on Yorktown.

They’d gone to dinner, a place on Yorktown Chekov had loved, and more than one of them had ended with tears in their eyes.

Jim had been forced to give a speech, which had had not wanted to do, but Bones asked him if not Jim, then who? So he’d talked about Pavel and how much they’d all loved him.

And now he was just a little bit drunk and a lot sad.

Bones was over in the corner of a bar they’d gone to talking to Scotty and Keenser. They were sharing a bottle of scotch between them. Spock and Uhura were standing by the entrance or exit he supposed as he suspected they were going to leave any second. Uhura was crying and she had her arms around Spock’s neck and his arms were around her waist.

At the table with him were Sulu and his husband Ben. They’d gotten a babysitter for Demora, figuring the little girl didn’t need to experience something this depressing.

“What’s next for you, Jim?” Ben asked him.

“After this place?”


“Back to my hotel room I suppose to crash for the night.”

“No company?” Sulu wondered.

Jim shook his head. A random hook up wasn’t really something he was interested in. It wouldn’t numb the heartache. Not by a longshot. “Nah.”

“How’s your boy?”

Jim smiled at the mention of David. “Good. I miss him already. Saw him just before I got here though. He’s adorable.”

“Too bad you don’t have him with you on Yorktown. We’re taking Demora to the zoo tomorrow. It would be fun to have them both.”

“It would,” Jim agreed. “Next time maybe. And now I really am tired, so if you guys will excuse me, I’m going to head back.”

The Sulus bid him goodnight and Jim left the bar, not failing to notice that Uhura and Spock had indeed left. As he stood on the street outside the bar he almost gave into the sadness, the loneliness that threatened.

He’d vowed though he no longer would let his unrequited love make him miserable. He shook it off and headed for his hotel.

When it was in sight, he was surprised to see Spock standing by himself overlooking the big water fountain right outside the hotel. The Vulcan looked pensive and for a moment, Jim decided he wouldn’t bother him, but then his legs carried him over there, almost against his will. Constantly drawn to Spock it would seem.

“Hey, Spock.”

“Good evening, Captain.”

“Surprised to see you out here. Thought you and Uhura went back to the hotel.”

Spock’s gaze stayed on Jim’s face for mere seconds before moving away. “Nyota has returned to her room.”

Jim almost asked ‘her room?’ as he had assumed they were sharing, but really it was hardly his business. But he did say, “You didn’t want to join her?”

“Nyota and I are…experiencing difficulties in our romantic relationship.”

Jim looked at him sharply. “You are? Since when?”

Spock shrugged slightly. “Before the events of Altamid, actually.”

“I thought you reconciled.”

“We did,” Spock said softly. “But the reconciliation has not gone well.”

He turned to fully face Jim then and Jim saw a faint green handprint on Spock’s cheek. Jim frowned at a flash of the memory of Uhura slapping Spock.

“Did she slap you?”

“She is not pleased with me,” Spock admitted.

“I’m sorry, Spock. I’m not sure what to say.”

“Nyota wishes for elements in our relationship I am unable to share with her,” Spock replied, turning away once more.

“You wanted to bond and she didn’t?” Jim asked before he could stop himself. He winced. “Uh, sorry. I know it’s not—”

“It was Nyota who expressed an interest in bonding with me.” Spock’s cheeks were bright green now. “When I expressed reservations, she…she ended things between us.”

“She did? Oh, Spock. I’m sorry.”

He shook his head.

“After all this time together, I can’t believe she would end it.”

Spock exhaled slowly. “Most romantic partners hope for an advancement in their relationship. I do not fault her.”

Jim wanted to ask him why he would not bond with her. He recalled just the other day Spock saying that they weren’t at that level in their relationship and Jim had wondered when they would be. Apparently Uhura had too.

“What prompted her bringing up now?”

“She has been bringing it up for a while,” Spock replied. “But the recent death of Ensign Chekov prompted her to renew her appeals for us to either bond or wed in the Terran way. She did not appreciate my continued reluctance.”

Jim had to admit he didn’t especially get it either. “What are you holding out for, Spock? A Vulcan bonding? I mean with a Vulcan female? You were thinking of leaving to settle on New Vulcan and make babies, right?”

“I was, yes,” Spock whispered. “But no, that is not what is holding me back, as you say.”

But Spock fell silent then, clearly not intending to go on an reveal to Jim what was preventing him from committing to Uhura. As far as Jim knew they’d been together for years. Since their academy days. Surely you didn’t spend that amount of time with someone unless you loved them. Fuck, Jim wouldn’t.

It occurred to him that the first part of the vision he’d had in the field back at his mom’s place had come true. He’d seen her slapping Spock. Maybe the other part where Spock was distraught over someone in the medbay would too.

Would it be Uhura? Jim hoped not. He didn’t like the idea of a member of his bridge crew so injured. But who else would Spock be so distraught over? It had to be Uhura.

“Maybe it will still work out, Spock. I bet it will. You two obviously love each other.” Jim placed his hand on Spock’s shoulder. He smiled, or did an imitation of one anyway.  “I’m so damn tired right now it’s a wonder I’m still standing. So I’m going in. Goodnight Spock.”

For longer than seemed usual, Spock simply stared at Jim, like he was looking right through him or something.

It occurred to Jim, fleetingly, that if they’d truly broken up it was possible Uhura would ask for a transfer. But then the other part of his vision wouldn’t come true. He’d never had a vision that was only partly right.

“Goodnight, Captain,” Spock finally said, rather faintly. His green color had risen up all the way to the tips of his ears and Jim almost asked if he was all right, but of course he wasn’t. Probably had a broken Vulcan heart.

He squeezed Spock’s shoulder and turned and went into the hotel.

The Sight, Chapter Three

“Papa, live with you.”

Jim had just thrown a big purple plastic lightweight ball toward David who gleefully batted at it until it tumbled to the ground. He smiled and walked over to his son, crouching down.

“Papa would love that,” Jim said carefully. “You like living with Mama.”


“So Mama would feel sad if you lived with Papa.”

David puckered his lips. “Live together.”

“Your Mama and me we care about each other so much, but we don’t live together.”

“Why not?”

Jim took David’s hand in his. “Papa is on a ship, like the one I gave you. But you know, as much as we care about each other, we both care even more about you. You’re the most important one to both of us.”

David stared at Jim, his lower lip sticking out.

“I need you to watch your Mama for me and keep her safe, okay?” Jim wasn’t even sure his son understood what he was saying.

“Okay,” David agreed, looking very solemn.

Jim decided it was time to lighten the mood. “Let’s go in and have ice cream with your grandma.”


David turned excitedly to run into the house. Jim went to stand, but was suddenly hit by a powerful wave of dizziness. His eyes blurred.

Then suddenly Spock appeared before him, leaning over someone in a biobed. Spock looked unexpectedly distraught. He turned to face someone and then the scene changed. Uhura was standing in front of Spock, angry. She raised her hand and struck Spock across the face.

“Papa! Papa!”

Jim was being shook and then he looked down into David’s pale face. His eyes were very huge.

He smiled. Or tried to. “It’s all right, David. Papa is here.”

He stood now and took David’s hand as they walked into the farmhouse together. David released Jim’s hand and ran to Jim’s mom.

“Ice cream! Ice cream!”

Jim exchanged a look with Winona, who frowned, then grinned at the boy. “Chocolate or Strawberry?”

“Both!” David cried gleefully.

“Oh, you really are Jim’s son. Okay, some of each.”

Jim wearily sat in the nearest chair. Often visions exhausted him. This one definitely had. But he had no idea what it meant. It had looked like the medbay on the Enterprise.

“Want some coffee, Jim?” his mom asked.

“Yeah. Yeah. That sounds great. Thanks.”

She poured him the coffee and brought it to him before even dishing out ice cream for David. She looked at Jim. His mom knew about the visions. Had even witnessed him having one before. She’d once told him that there were rumors, according to Jim’s dad, that quite a while back one of gran’s family had met and mated with a seer from the planet, Nestron, a mysterious planet that even now the Federation didn’t know all there was to know. Nestron had been destroyed many years ago also mysterious and all that was left was a lifeless hull of a rock.

“Did you see something?” she asked softly.

“Maybe, yes, I don’t know. It was fleeting. I don’t even know what it meant.”

“Grandma, ice cream,” David yelled from by the freezer.

She stared at Jim a moment longer. “Coming.” She turned back to David with a smile.


That night his sleep was disturbed by dreams, nightmares really. He didn’t really remember any of them except the last one he’d had.

It woke him up around three am and there was absolutely no way he could get back to sleep. In the dream, Rigel Three was attacked by Klingons and Carol was an immediate casualty. David was left alone, crying.

Then he woke.

Beside him in his bed, David slept on, but Jim’s heart was racing.

Had it been a vision or merely a dream brought about by a little anxiety with David being taken to Rigel Three by Carol?

Jim found his PADD and sent a message to Carol. But of course she ignored him, as he knew she would. She had laughed later when they’d talked in person, as she came to collect David from him. She had no reason to believe he had visions, so he didn’t real blame her. He could not hold her back from leaving.

He kept it to himself then. After he had hugged his son goodbye and Carol, too. He’d hugged her tight, unable to shake the feeling he would never see her again. And he could do nothing about it. He’d tried.

When he got to Yorktown for the final week’s preparations, he was relieved to see Spock. Finally.

“Mister Spock,” Jim greeted Spock with a smile as he got off the shuttle and saw Spock waiting for him. “What a pleasant surprise.”

“Captain, I was alerted to your impending arrival.”

“Well, good. How long have you been on Yorktown?” Spock fell in step beside him as they made their way out of ship docking area and over to the lift that would take them up to the streets of Yorktown.

“I arrived last evening,” Spock replied.

“Uhura too?”

“Nyota will arrive tomorrow. She left New Vulcan early in order to see her family on Earth.”

“Ah, good. Glad she got the chance.”

They got on the lift and rode up in silence. Jim stepped out first when it stopped.

“Did you enjoy your leave, Captain?”

“Yeah, I did. Spent most of it with my mom in Riverside. Got to spend a week or so with my son. Yeah, it was good.”

“I am gratified to hear it. David is well?”

“He is, yes. He’s going with Carol to Rigel Three soon for a temporary assignment she has there,” he said, neutrally. What he’d seen in his dream was still very much on his mind, but Spock would be completely dismissive. “You and, um, Uhura, did you—?”


“You know, get married, or um, what is it…?”

“Bond,” Spock supplied.

He knew that, of course. He knew that well. But he was distracted by Carol and by the whole idea of Spock and Uhura living happily ever after together.


“We did not,” Spock said. “We are not at that level in our relationship yet.”

Jim frowned. They’d been ‘dating’ for years. When did it get to that level? But the truth was, as weird as Jim thought Spock’s response was, he was also incredibly glad. More glad actually than he ought to feel because he had absolutely no right to feel anything.

“Oh. Okay,” he said instead.

And they made their way to the first of Jim’s many meetings he’d have to have. He got busy with planning and even some negotiations, but he still thought of Carol and David somewhere in the back of his mind.

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