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Spirk (with a small dose of Pinto)

Fan Fiction and Personal Ramblings

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August 2021

Flash Fic, August 11, 2021

Spock has been keeping a secret. He is not comfortable with it, but he finds it necessary.

He is in love with his captain.

In reality, he has had this secret for a long time. He first came to the realization that he felt love for his captain as he witnessed his death in the warp core.

Even after this realization, and the relief that Jim’s demise was temporary, Spock chose to continue his relationship with Nyota. He cared for her. It was not the same devotional love he felt toward Kirk, but he knew that was a lost cause, so it seemed there was no harm in continuing to see Nyota.

When it became more troublesome to continue to watch his captain pursue others, Spock sought solace in the idea of doing his duty and resigning from Starfleet for New Vulcan.

He advised Nyota of his plans and their relationship ended.

And then Krall and Altamid happened.

For a while, Spock allowed his relationship with Nyota to resume, given that was what she seemed to wish, but the distance between them grew, they both felt it, and finally she came to him and asked to remain friends only.

Spock had been relieved. He hadn’t wished to lose her, he just didn’t care for her the way she deserved, and they both knew it.

Spock continued to keep his secret, while keeping a watchful eye on his beloved.

He was pretty sure he hid it well, until one day, after Jim was injured yet again in a mission, and he kept a close eye on his recovery, McCoy came to stand beside him as they studied their unconscious captain.

“You should tell him.”

“Doctor?”

McCoy sighed. “Spock, stop hiding behind your Vulcanness and tell him how you feel.”

“I have no idea what you are talking about.”

“Sure. Only the longer you wait, the more chance he’ll give up entirely and find someone else. It’s already been close. If you don’t act, Spock, well…it’s your funeral.”

“My funeral?”

“An expression.”

“A perplexing one.”

“Just…do it. Even if it’s while he’s sleeping. Get it off your chest.” McCoy sighed. Pinched his nose. “Another expression. I gotta go check something.”

And McCoy walked away.

Spock had no idea why he let McCoy talk him into this, but he walked over to Jim’s biobed. Stared down at his unconscious form.

“I am in love with you,” he said, softly, pushing a lock of hair off Kirk’s forehead.

He turned and left.

After Jim was released to go to his quarters for further recovery, he called Spock to see him.

He smiled when Spock arrived.

“Hey. You want to play chess or something?”

Spock agreed. It seemed as though his secret still belonged to him.

They were in the middle of the match, when Jim leaned back.

“When were you going to tell me?”

“Captain?”

“You know what.”

“No, I am afraid I do not.”

Jim sighed heavily. “I wasn’t asleep.”

Spock blinked, stared. “I see.”

“And for the record, I’m in love with you, too.”

A better outcome than Spock had ever expected.

Much later, when they were lying in bed beside each other, having done quite a bit of exploration, Jim turned to him, put his hand on Spock’s face.

“So. When were you going to tell me?”

“When it became relevant.” Spock paused. Smiled slightly. “As it just did.”

Flash Fic, August 06, 2021

“Are you angry with me?” Spock asked his captain, his…boyfriend, he amended in his own mind. Recently acquired, but acquired, nonetheless.

Jim lounged on the couch in his quarters. This new Enterprise had much larger quarters than the old one that had been destroyed on Altamid.

He wore his pajama bottoms and a form fitting t-shirt and had barely acknowledged Spock since he’d come in.

Blue eyes rose to his from the book he was reading. “Should I be?”

Spock thought about it. Decided to answer truthfully, in his opinion, “Negative.”

A slight smirk was his answer. “Then you have your answer.” His gaze went back to his book.

“However, it seems, plain to me, that you are, in fact.”

“What makes you believe that?”

“You are behaving very dismissive.” Spock paused. “If it is out of jealousy, I assure you there is nothing you need feel jealous over.”

“No?”

“The female, Droxine—”

“Was all over you, yes, I saw.”

Spock pursed his lips. He is definitely onto the source of Jim’s annoyance. “I did not encourage her.”

“Nor did you discourage her.”

“I was attempting to learn information from her necessary to our mission.” He paused again. “Similar to how you did with the woman Sylvia.”

Jim frowned. “That was not the same.”

“Indeed. You kissed her. I did not kiss Droxine.”

“Well.”

“Jim, I assure you there is no one that has my affections but you.”

Jim inhaled then and slowly exhaled. “Okay. This is still very…”

“New, yes.”

“I was going to say raw. I don’t like this feeling of jealousy. I felt it enough when you were with—”

“Jim,” Spock interrupted. He went to the couch, sat down, and drew Jim into his arms. “I love you. And no other. You are my t’hy’la.”

Jim smiled against him and snuggled in against Spock’s neck. “You know I love you, too. So much.”

“I know what it is to feel jealous,” Spock admitted. “I have felt that way toward you with your interaction with…anyone.”

“Yeah?”

“Indeed. I try to…repress it.”

Jim kissed him. “There will never be anyone for me but you, Spock. For the rest of my days.”

“Of which there better be many.”

He laughed. “Yes.”

“And for me, it is the same. Always.”

Flash Fic, August 04, 2021

“What did you want to say to me?”

Jim’s expression is open and inviting. Warm even. It is encouraging.

“It is a personal matter,” Spock explains.

“Yeah?” There is no change in Jim’s expression. It remains pleasing. “Go ahead, I’m all ears.”

A curious Human idiom that Spock ignores. Jim uses it frequently.

“I have…come to the conclusion I have developed a close romantic attachment to…a member of the crew.”

He falters here and he is aware of it. Even with the warmth encouragement Jim gives him, Spock finds it difficult to express such emotional thoughts out loud. He’s spent too long suppressing them. Made aware they are a weakness.

“A member of the crew,” Jim says slowly, nodding. “And not Uhura because you guys broke up, right?”

“Yes, Jim. It is not Nyota, though she has encouraged me in my pursuit of…the individual.”

Jim smiles faintly. “I see. Well, if it’s Nurse Chapel, you’ll not only make her day but her lifetime, I’m guessing.”

Spock is aware Jim is joking, trying to lighten things. But he is also aware that the ship believes Nurse Chapel has a crush on Spock. Perhaps she does, but it is not something Spock considers serious nor a matter for humorous speculation.

“It is not the nurse,” Spock corrects. “My sexual interests are in the pursuit of male companions,” he attempts to explain.

Jim’s expression clouds then. Like he is unsure what Spock means, but then it clears, and he nods again. “But you were with Uhura.”

“Yes, but it was during our relationship it became clear to me that my preference was for males.”

“Okay.”

Spock exhales. He has been stalling and for no good reason.

“Jim, my romantic affection is directed toward you.”

Jim’s warmth openness abruptly changes. His expression suddenly goes blank, and his blue eyes no longer hold the sun in them. They are not exactly icy, but they chill Spock, nonetheless.

“Spock.” Jim purses his lips.  “I…you’re my friend. I adore you. I don’t know what I’d do without you, you know that. I’ve told you dozens of times. But I…I don’t feel that way toward you. I’m sorry.”

And just like that, Spock’s heart, beating in his side, shrivels and dies. Jim is shaking his head and talking, saying nothing has to change between them due to Spock’s ill-advised declaration, but it is a lie and they both know it. Everything has changed.

And Spock begins to reconsider his decision not to go to New Vulcan.

Spock wakes with a pained gasp. His quarters are dark and the temperature not ideal.

“Computer, lights on and temperature raised twenty degrees,” he said, his own voice hoarse, rough.

Very slowly, Spock returns his breathing to normal. He has not made the mistake of revealing his love for Jim. It was merely a dream.

Impulsively, Spock gets up, dresses in his uniform, and makes his way to Nyota’s quarters.

It takes a moment, but she lets him in, having pulled a robe around her regulation red pajamas.

“Spock? What is it?”

“I apologize for disturbing your rest.”

She puts her hand on his chest and smiles. “No, it’s all right. You want some tea? What’s happened?”

Nyota brings him tea without him responding to her query and they sit on her sofa. Part of him feels foolish, though he knows she wouldn’t judge him.

“I told the captain…Jim how I felt, and he doesn’t reciprocate.”

She frowns. “What? Are you sure? I thought he—”

Spock shakes his head.

“When? When did you tell him? And tell me exactly what he said.”

“It was a dream,” Spock admits.

“Oh Spock, then you’re fine. That’s just because you were anxious, so your mind made up a nightmare. Jim is not going to reject you.”

“What if it wasn’t?”

“I don’t understand,” she says.

“What if it is a …premonition.”

She gave him a look. “Have you ever been clairvoyant before?”

“No.”

“Well then…”

“But Vulcans are telepathic. It is possible that I am acquiring some sort of telepathic signal from Jim that—”

“Oh, Spock. Please.  You don’t believe that.”

Spock shakes his head. “I cannot take the chance. If what I dreamed came true, I would be forced to leave the Enterprise.”

“Forced to leave? Jim would never do that.”

“Not knowingly, no. I do not mean that he would request I depart. But the situation would become so untenable, I would have no choice, personally, not to leave service under the captain.”

“Spock—”

“Please, Nyota. I cannot risk it. The only solution is to remain quiet regarding my feelings for Jim. Should Jim come to me with an expression of affection toward me, then I will admit to my own. But to be parted from him, is worse than remaining silent.”

A short time later, Spock returned to his own quarters, determined not to listen to any of Nyota’s arguments.

In the morning, they would begin shore leave on the planet, Mesador, which bore an uncomfortable resemblance to Risa as far as Spock was concerned. Though Jim would no doubt take part, Spock would stay behind so as to not subject himself to the sight of Jim having too much fun there.

When morning came, Spock finds himself in the turbolift with his captain.

Jim smiles warmly at him. It is that open inviting smile, that expression that has given Spock hope, however falsely.

“What did you want to talk to me about last night?” Jim asks. “Sorry I wasn’t available. Mom and I have a longstanding conference Tuesdays when we’re anywhere within range. You said it was personal?”

“I…was able to handle the matter on my own, Captain.”

“Oh.” Jim nods and this time his expression changes infinitesimally. Just a small change that no one would likely notice save for Spock because there is nothing he misses in Jim. “Okay.”

The word is spoken softly and though it’s not exactly sad, there’s something there that is off.

“Is something the matter, Captain?”

The full watt smile is back. The one that Jim projects to say he hasn’t a care in the world. Spock has seen it used on many people over the years. When he first notices it, back when Spock felt jealousy over it being aimed at Carol Marcus, he hadn’t recognized it as being a defense for Jim. He knows it now.

“No, no.” Jim shrugs. “Just…I liked the idea of you confiding something personal in me. Made me feel good about us being friends. It’s nothing, Spock.”

Fear is illogical, Spock thinks. He vaguely recalls McCoy telling him that fear of death was what kept humans alive. But this is not a matter of life and death. Or perhaps it is.

“Are you going down for shore leave, Captain?’

“No, I’m staying onboard. I figured I’d man the ship and let everyone else have fun for a change.”

Spock frowns. “You do not intend to frolic on Mesador?”

He uses the term Jim used for their last shore leave.

Jim smiles, a little more genuinely. “I’m going to take your advice, Mister Spock, and rest. I’ve got lots of reading to catch up on.”

“Reading,” he repeats. The doors open onto the deck and Spock follows Jim out onto the deck with their quarters, though originally Spock was headed to the bridge. “Books? Not reports, correct?”

“Reports?”

“If you are behind, you can send them to me. I am not going on shore leave. I am more than qualified to complete them in your stead.”

“I know, but I’m not asking you to, and anyway, no, it’s not reports. Some actual books I picked up at a bookstore in San Francisco last time we were there. Very relaxing, Spock.”

Jim stops in front of his quarters. And Spock takes a chance, even though he feels as though he may shake apart. The idea of ruining everything he does have with Jim is—

“Captain, there is something I would like to share with you, after all.”

“Yeah? I’m all ears. Come on in.”

Spock follows Jim into his quarters, his head buzzing from hearing Jim say the words he did in Spock’s dream.

It might be an omen.

He does not beat around the bush, as the human idiom goes. Spock seems to be full of them these days.

“Jim, I wished to advise you that I have developed feelings of a romantic nature for…you.”

And just like in Spock’s dream, Jim’s expression shudders.

His mouth dry, Spock continues, “I am in love with you.”

Jim slowly blows out a breath. It is the longest exhalation in history, Spock is quite certain.

“Spock.” The word is a whisper along Spock’s brain. It is not followed by the terrible words…you’re my friend.

Jim moves closer to him, puts his hands on Spock’s forearms. He feels the heat where Jim touches him. It scorches his katra.

“Are you sure?”

Spock swallows. “Quite.”

The warm smile returns and even more slowly the sun that warms up the blue of Jim’s eyes. There are tiny crinkles by Jim’s eyes when he smiles that Spock finds obsessively appealing.

He meets Jim’s mouth as Jim rises up to kiss him. It is like being reborn in some way.

“I love you too.”               

Flash Fic, August 02, 2021

And so begins another month of flashes. I have no particular theme for this month, whatever strikes my fancy and fills my imagination. Here’s the first one.

Jim finds him on the observation deck. Truthfully, he had been unwilling to wander the ship looking, so he had asked the computer for Spock’s location.

But now that he is faced with Spock, back to him, Jim isn’t sure whether he should be here or not. Still, he is pretty sure that Spock knows he is here.

“Hey,” he says. Because he’s so uncertain how to begin. He finds he is hugging himself, which he knows is defensive body language, yet he can’t help it. He is defensive.

Spock turns to look at him, and though Jim can see there is a troubled look in his chocolate eyes, that trouble does not seem to lie at his footsteps, so to speak.

Jim asks, anyway, “Did I do something wrong?”

Because they’d just spent hours sexually exploring each other. And from Jim’s point of view, it had been incredible, better than anything he’d ever experienced, and he’d thought it was pretty incredible from Spock’s point of view also, but he’d just woke up alone, and somehow that had felt…big.

“No, Jim. I apologize for making you have any doubts whatsoever about us. Tonight was…more than I could ever hope for.” Spock unexpectedly holds his out his hand towards Jim, who takes it and is drawn to Spock’s side. “I was thinking of my mother.”

“Your mother?”

Spock nods. “I…often do…still. I suppose that is a weakness.”

“No way, Spock. What would make you ever think that?”

He shakes his head. “A Vulcan—”

“Never mind all that, Spock. She was your mom. What are you thinking about?”

“She would have been very happy to know you and to know that I have found my…T’hy’la.”

“T’hy’la?” Jim whispers.

“No Vulcan in a hundred years has been so fortunate. And yet, I have found mine. Brother, friend, lover. The closest standard term would be soulmate and yet for a Vulcan, it is so much more.”

Jim smiles, hesitantly, because it is hard to believe he could be this. “And I am that to you?”

Spock takes both of Jim’s hands in his. “Yes and more. Even those simple three standard words I love you do not seem to convey the depth of my great affection for you, my Jim.”

Jim’s eyes well up with tears. “I feel the same. And I’m sorry your mom isn’t here. I know you miss her, and I wish I could have met her.”

“You two would have been conspiring against me and my father, I have no doubt.
 Spock shakes his head. “I often think about her. What she would think or say about whatever is going on in my life. She never judged me about anything and always said she would be proud of me, and yet, there are times I wonder if that would be true.”

“I’m sure of it, babe. There is no one better than you that I know and there’s no way your mom wouldn’t think the same.”

“She was always on my side no matter what. No one else has ever been that way for me.” Spock gazed into Jim’s eyes. “Until you.”

“And I always will be on your side, no matter what.” Jim kisses him. “Come back to bed with me?”

“Yes, T’hy’la. I will.”

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