Spock’s Second Chance from 2020

Photo by Anna-Louise on Pexels.com

“What are your plans for New Year’s Eve with Jim?”

Spock does not know how to answer Leonard’s question. Jim has so far not specified any particular plans for them. Though Spock has been back in Admiral Jim Kirk’s life for a year now, a year to the day of New Year’s Eve, their relationship is not what it had been prior to Spock’s mistakes. He had hoped Jim would forgive him, but the truth was there was distance in Jim’s gaze even now.

“The Admiral has not disclosed any plans for us.”

“You didn’t plan anything? Sorta your anniversary, isn’t it?”

“Anniversary?”

“Your reconciliation.”

Spock hesitates. “I do not believe Jim feels reconciled.”

Leonard frowns. “What do you mean?”

“He holds himself back from me. A year later he still does not trust me. He believes I will leave again.”

His friend sighs. “He’s a tough egg, Spock. He was really devastated when you left. He needs time.”

“I know.” 

And Spock has a lot of time. He is not sure Jim has. Jim is young for an admiral still, and yet, from the ambassador, Spock knows there is never really enough time. Not with Jim. 

“I suspect we will have a quiet night at home.”

And it ends up being just that.

Jim never speaks of any celebratory plans and when Spock get to their apartment in San Francisco after his late lunch with McCoy, Jim is already there and his usual subdued self.

Subdued since their so-called reconciliation, that is.

“Hi.” Jim smiles at Spock and for the barest moment it warms Spock like it once did. The sun shines on his heart and he feels once more that Jim is his las’hark.

But the smile fades away, quickly, and Jim turns away to make himself coffee in the kitchen.

The “hi” suddenly seems less welcoming, more a greeting to a stranger than to a lover, to a husband. Spock’s side twists.

“Jim.”

He speaks the name softly almost reverently. Those blue eyes turn to him, seeking an answer Spock doesn’t know.

“Do you-do you want to go somewhere to celebrate the new year?”

Jim shakes his head. “No, let’s just stay here. Not really in the mood for crowds.”

Neither is Spock, really.

“I could make us some dinner,” Spock offers.

“I’m not really hungry at the moment. Later maybe?”

Spock begins to nod, but stops the motion as Jim has already turned away. He feels trapped in a nightmare of his own making, because, yes, Spock is aware that he had caused Jim to fall out of love with him.

He offers the only thing he can at this point.

“Jim, may we speak?”

Those eyes return to his, and there is something in that gaze that frightens Spock, but he tries not to let it. He thinks he could so easily misstep right now, and it is that that scares him.

“Okay.”

He draws Jim to a chair in the living room and has him sit. Spock thinks about standing above him, but that seems like he would be hovering and threatening in his body language and Spock does not wish to come off that way, so he drops down to his knees in front of Jim, noting the surprise there in those eyes.

Those eyes, so blue, have haunted Spock for so long.

Spock takes a breath. “Jim…”

“You’re leaving again,” Jim guesses.

And the pain of it hits Spock in the stomach like a physical blow.

“Neg…no,” Spock changes to the more simpler word at the last minute. Somehow the more intimate word, though he’s not sure why that is. “I will never leave again.”

He can tell that Jim still does not believe him. He doesn’t say, but Spock is able to read it in that closed off look he has had in his eyes for far too long.

“Even now, as I am aware that I have…lost your love…if all I am to have is your companionship, then I will accept that, and cherish it.”

Jim stares at him for so long, Spock has no idea what his response will be. Part of him fears that Jim will send him away. Spock doesn’t know what he will do if that is the case.   

“You’re wrong.”

Spock does not know how to react or what he is wrong about. He remains nonplussed.

“You haven’t lost my love,” Jim clarifies. “I’ll always love you. That can’t and won’t change.”

Spock does not allow himself to feel relief. “But?”

Jim shakes his head. “I still don’t…” He stops, blows out a long breath.

“Trust me. Trust that I will not leave.”

“Yeah. I mean, you loved me before, I was your T’hy’la before. And you left anyway. People I’ve cared about have been leaving me all my life. I got used to it. But you…I thought it would be different.” Jim lowers his head, looking down at his fingers clenched in his lap. “It’s hard, Spock.”

Spock knows this. “Your heart remains cold.”

Jim sighs. It’s not a mean sigh or even resigned. It is simply a breath of air that seems somehow filled with both trepidation and promise.

His gaze is softer when he looks up at Spock. Warmer. Spock’s heartbeat quickens.

“Take me to bed.”

“Even when we are intimate, you hold back from me.” Spock isn’t sure this is the right thing to say, and yet he cannot help but say it. But there is no change in Jim’s expression. It is still warm and soft. 

“I know,” Jim acknowledges. “I won’t. Not tonight. It’s-it’s been a year. Perhaps a new beginning?”

Spock will take whatever chance he can have with Jim and so they move from the living room to their bedroom.

Lovemaking is good. Very good. And as Spock moves inside Jim, it does feel different. More them. As they once were. More intimate, more feelings of love.

He lies on his back afterward, holding his sun to him, his las’hark. It feels somehow more hopeful than it has the past year, though Spock knows things are still far from perfect. He has a lot of work to do still to gain back Jim fully.

But this feels like a start.

He places his hand on Jim’s chest, over his heart. His chest feels very warm this night, warmer than he has felt in a long time, and it as though the warmth comes from within.

Spock opens their bond, hesitantly, though he does not force Jim to do the same. If Jim wishes to join Spock there he will.

Outside, fireworks go off and Spock knows midnight has come. It is a new year.

“Happy New Year, T’hy’la.”

He waits for Jim to speak those words in return, but they do not come verbally.

He feels them all over his body, through his veins, his muscles, and at last, in his mind.

Happy New Year, Spock.    

Jim has joined their bond and Spock feels a tear escape.

It is the new beginning Jim mentioned.

Spock will cherish it.