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The Replacement Conclusion

“It doesn’t matter what you have to say because…wait.” Jim stopped talking, suddenly looking uncertain. His bottom lip trembled. “What did you say?”

“I love you,” Spock said again, louder this time. “I-I have for the longest time. I…I am not sure when. Like you, I never said anything. I was with Nyota and I…that relationship was comfortable if not particularly passionate. I thought that was the way romantic relationships generally occurred.”

“Your parents—”

“They never openly showed affection except to touch fingers. That is not the Vulcan way. I did learn that my father loved my  mother after she was gone.” Spock shook his head. “Nyota and I also touched fingers and, as I said, it was comfortable and pleasant. I thought, perhaps, to discuss my growing affection for you after the events involving Khan but you quickly established a romantic relationship with Carol Marcus. And then when she left, there was always someone else or some other mission or something that kept me from speaking up.” Spock looked down at the ground. “I was also a coward as I never dared hope you would share my affection. What could you possibly see in a skinny emotionally stunted Vulcan? It is painful to know that you gave your love to another Spock.”

Jim just stared at him and Spock began to realize it was too late. He’d lost his chance. He’d lost Jim.

The lump in his throat made it difficult to swallow but it was nothing compared to the pain in his side where his heart surely had ceased to beat.

“You’re wrong.”

Jim’s voice was a soft whisper.

Spock was afraid to ask what he’d gotten wrong as he was certain he was not going to like the answer.

Jim shook his head and took a step toward Spock. Suddenly he put his fingers on Spock’s wrist.

“You’re a touch telepath, what does that tell you?”

“I…”

“I never gave my love to anyone else. He was a replacement for you. A really great replacement, sure. But he could never be you. I gave my heart to you a long time ago. No one else can have it unless you give it back.”

Spock’s gaze held his and he saw only what he hoped to see…love.

“I would selfishly keep it forever.”

That earned him the most beautiful smile he’d ever seen. And all of Jim’s smiles were gifts.

“Can I kiss you now?”

Spock shook his head. “No.”

“No?”

“I want to kiss you. To show you what it’s like to kiss the real me, the one who loves you beyond reason and who will all his days, however many that may be.”

Spock lifted his hand to Jim’s face, framing his jaw, and lowered his mouth to Jim’s at last. And if it seemed like stars and sun and water swirled around them, surely that was merely imagination. As was the click he heard in his mind.

Jim leaned into him, deepening the kiss.

Spock forgot anything else other than the taste of perfection.

*coming soon to AO3*

House Update (And Vegas)

As requested…

Didn’t win a damn thing, in fact lost the $1,000 my sister gave me to play with. Which that’s what it was for but yeah.

The wedding was great. I am so glad I was there for that. I cried. They cried. My one issue was that though they put up a picture of my nephew’s mother who passed away and his new husband’s stepfather who passed away, they didn’t include one of my brother. I mean I know there was a problematic relationship in the last few years but I still felt the slight like a little bit of a sting.

Otherwise it was glorious.

M had to stay home to deal with the mess. And no the leak is NOT fixed. The restoration people took away everything Thursday including our dining room. Put up these huge enormous fan things that are louder than loud to apparently keep us from dying from mold exposure, who knows. They were going to test for asbestos before they did the next thing, which is literally destroying the wall and cabinets in our kitchen. We are still waiting for THAT and then allegedly the plumber comes in to fix and then someone ELSE has to fix the kitchen and then WE get to put our house back together. It’s been a NIGHTMARE.

Needless to say there will be no Thanksgiving here. This year has been…challenging.

Photo by Kranthi Remala on Pexels.com

The Replacement, Part 5

I might have snuck in a cliffy

Jim’s gaze flew to his. “What exactly are you imagining you’re saying?”

Spock glanced around the observation deck. “I am not certain this is the place for this kind of conversation. Any moment someone else could come and…may we adjourn to either my quarters or yours?”

“Spock—”

“Please.” Spock straightened. “I ask that I am given the chance you gave my counterpart from that universe.”

Jim looked heavenward, but then nodded. “Yours then. I can leave then if necessary.”

Spock tried not to let that sharp comment sting but it was difficult. Still he took some relief in Jim’s ready agreement.

They didn’t speak as they left the observation deck and headed to the turbolift that would talk them to deck with officer quarters.

They bypassed the door to Jim’s and went right to Spock’s. He entered his access code and the door opened to let them inside.

Jim preceded Spock inside, but the moment the door closed he turned to face Spock, arms crossed in front of his chest in a clear defensive matter.

It did not bode well, but Spock had to try.

And he figured the best way was to lead off with…

“I love you.”

The Replacement, Part Four

“Please.”

The sound of pleading in his own voice disturbed him.

“Help me to understand. Why would you…why would you choose intimacy with him?”

“God.” Jim’s expression crumbled and for a moment, Spock feared his captain would cry. How would Spock handle such a thing if he did?

“Jim—”

“Because he wanted me.”

“There are many who want you,” Spock pointed out.

“I can’t believe I have to spell this out. He was a replacement for the one I really wanted.”

Spock took a step back. “Me?”

Jim laughed. “Yeah. Stupid, right? So incredibly stupid.”

“You never said. Never gave any indication that you thought of me in any such way.”

“Was I supposed to? You were with Uhura! For years. How exactly did you expect me to tell you? And I don’t go after someone else’s partner.”

Spock stared, taking that in. Analyzing it. “But you did precisely that with the other Spock if he was with his captain.”

This time tear drops appeared on the edge of Jim’s eyes and Spock felt instant remorse.

“Yeah, you got me there. It was a moment of weakness. The object of my every dream wanted me with so much intensity I couldn’t resist. And now I’m dealing with the fallout from that.”

“Fallout?”

“Having something for a brief time that I don’t actually have. I’m here and he’s there, back presumably with his captain. And here? I’m alone.”

And just like that, as though their conversation was over and so many things were left unsaid, Jim made to move past him.

Before he allowed himself to think, Spock reached out and grabbed Jim’s wrist to prevent him from leaving.

“You are not alone.”

The Hits Keep Coming

And I guess you have to roll with the punches

2023 has been…challenging

My brother and sister-in-law both passed away. And many other crap things

Now…

My kitchen is about to be destroyed. They think there is a leak in the wall. So they are going to demolition all the cabinets and wall. Close off my kitchen for however long it takes. Then once the leak is fixed we have to figure out how to get all put back. I am beside myself and ready to commit myself to a mental health facility. If you think I am kidding, I am not sure I am.

Not able to host Thanksgiving this year, obviously. So that’s off the table, literally. Will have to be my sister’s. This is the only holiday we host so it’s devastating in that respect. Why it couldn’t have been a simple water line from the fridge God only knows.

I’ll do my best to keep up with everything but this has been a major stressful downer for me. Not going to lie.

I did get tomorrow’s done. Friday’s is still possible. I don’t know.

I am listening to Johnny Mathis sing What Child is This because I need the comfort of Christmas songs.

Talk soon.

Photo by Brett Jordan on Pexels.com

The Replacement, Part Three

 Something curled in Spock’s stomach, ugly and fluttery and painful. It rose from there and caused a dull pain in his side where his heartbeat.

“I…do not understand.” He was flustered and repeating himself but his logical brain could not compute.

“I know you don’t understand!”

And just like that the cheerful pretense Kirk had been displaying vanished as though it had never been there. Instead there was angry fire in his blue eyes.

“And that’s exactly the problem, Spock. You just never get it.”

“Jim, I—”

“You were with Uhura for years—”

“We are not together anymore,” Spock interrupts.

“Yeah you’ve been broken up for five minutes,” Jim said, sarcastically. “You were together for years, Spock. Years. And you never moved forward. Never bonded. Never married. You were satisfied with…I don’t even know what you were satisfied with. Your commitment to not commit.”

“Why are you so angry? You were explaining what happened in the alternate universe with my counterpart.”

Jim sighed heavily and turned away. “In that universe Spock loves his captain. When I returned from the mission, he thought I was his captain. As soon as I got to the captain’s quarters, Spock was all over me.”

“He forced himself on you?”

“No! I wanted it. He was full of passion and heat and was so hungry for me. It was intoxicating. I couldn’t get enough.”

Each word was like a lash against Spock’s heart.

“When he finally realized I was not his captain, it didn’t matter to either of us. We continued being together. Neither of us knew if I would come back here or his Kirk would return there, so we continued with each other, and he protected me from the reality of all that.”

Jim turned around to face him once more.

“It was the most amazing experience of my life.”

Spock blinked. He thought he might just vomit.

“It should have been with you,” Jim whispered hoarsely. “But I knew it never would be.”

Quick Update

I will have the next part up tomorrow. Cross your fingers for Thursday and Friday. I’ll try

It’s been an eventful week even before I leave Thursday

Toilet guts had to be replaced Monday

And now we have a big time leak coming from the fridge line. Plumber coming tomorrow.

So…yeah

The sun will come out tomorrow!

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

The Replacement, Part Two

“Captain?”

He’d almost called out Jim, but Spock was still somewhat unsure how far their friendship had progressed and though Kirk had once or twice told Spock it was fine to use his first name, and Spock had even done so a few times, there was something about Jim’s stance as he stood by the observation window that made him abort and switch to captain.

Still Jim turned to him with a warm, welcoming smile.

“Is there a problem with the ship, Mr. Spock?”

It was said cheerfully yet Spock detected an edge behind it. It was perplexing and he couldn’t have explained why it seemed strange.

“Negative. It was for a more personal matter that I sought you out.”

“Yeah?” He stepped over slightly to allow Spock to stand beside him. “I’ve heard you pretty much threw our counterparts right in the brig the minute they beamed aboard.”

“It was not as quickly as that, but it did not take long. They were very confused by what they encountered and unlike your party found themselves unable to adapt to their new surroundings. It took them quite a long time to guess they were no longer in the universe they had known.”

Kirk nodded. “I’m sure it was a shock considering what they were used to.”

“And yet you kept your cool and managed to do a very good job of blending in there.”

“Mm. I think it’s easier to play barbaric than civilized.”

“You may be correct.”

His captain smiled. “Was there anything else?”

Spock felt confused. He blew out a long breath. “None of that was of a personal nature,” he said carefully.

“No?” Kirk looked genuinely quizzical and that made two of them. “What then? You need a leave or something?”

“A leave? I do not. This does not concern me personally, but rather you.”

Kirk laughed then. “Me?”

“You have not said much about your experience in the other universe. I wished to know if you need…if there is someone you would like to confide in regarding your experience.”

Kirk didn’t respond for a long time and in fact he had turned away from Spock to gaze out at the stars.

“If you suffered abuse—”

“I didn’t.” The words were a soft whisper. “It wasn’t like that at all.”

“What was it like? The others implied the Terran Empire was ruthless and brutal.”

“Yes, it was. As far as I could tell, the Terran Empire is ruled by cruel and violent Humans who desire power above all things. Life means nothing to them. Not their own nor anyone else’s.”

“But you did not experience this firsthand?”

“I might have.”

“You…might have?”

“But he protected me.”

Spock frowned. “Who? I do not understand, Captain.”

Jim gave him a ghost of a smile and shook his head. “I know you don’t. And that’s why I haven’t said anything. In that universe, there never was a Nyota. Not for him.”

Spock tilted his head.

“Spock protected me in that universe. We were lovers.” 

*While I hope to finish this little story this week, please note that I will be gone Thursday-Sunday for my nephew’s Vegas wedding so there are simply no guarantees. If it’s not, you can expect it to be next week. *

The Replacement, Part One

It had been two days since Captain Kirk, Lieutenant Uhura, Commander Scott, and Doctor McCoy had returned from the Empire ruled Mirror Universe.

Two days since Spock had sent the oddly barbaric versions of those same officers back to that universe after determining they were not where they should be.

Spock had learned from Nyota about the atrocities that were the norm for that universe. Mister Scott had shuddered every time he was asked questions about it. Leonard had mentioned he’d likely have nightmare from some of what he’d seen.

Kirk said nothing.

Even Leonard had mumbled something about ‘Jim being radio silent’ and some memory of Earth’ history flashed through Spock’s mind, but he could not quite place the reference.

For those two days, Spock gave him space. Unlike the others, Kirk was relaxed and easy going. He answered questions on every other subject readily and efficiently. He did not radiate the same tension and unease the others had, though admittedly theirs had all lessened and they were nearly back to normal. What passed for normal for each of them anyway.   

If you were not a Kirk watcher you might not know. But they all were. They noticed.

Spock noticed most of all.

Something was not right.

He had intended to seek him out in his quarters after his shift one night only to find he was not there. And though he could wander the ship seeking Kirk’s usual spots, he found that he did not have the heart for it, so he used the computer to pinpoint that Kirk was on the observation deck.

He then also used the computer to determine Kirk was alone.

Spock had no desire to discover Kirk having time with a paramour. At present, he did not think Kirk was seeing a member of the crew, certainly not since Doctor Marcus had departed after their breakup, but Spock did not want to take any chances.

Fortunately it seemed Captain Kirk had no company.

Still Spock hesitated to disturb him.

They were building a good friendship, Spock thought. There were still parts of Jim that he did not share with Spock. He was uncertain if he shared them with anyone, even McCoy.

Spock was not sure they had the friendship the ambassador had alluded to, at least to the extent he’d had with his Kirk, but Spock believed they were back to making progress.

Progress had been stalled right around the time they’d been confronted by Krall and Altamid. When Spock had intended to resign to go to New Vulcan and Kirk had applied for a command position on Yorktown.

Spock did not know what caused the rift between them, but he’d felt it.

Since they had returned to the repaired and rebuilt Enterprise, their friendship had seemed to strengthen.

Until Jim had gone to the mirror universe.

But the only way to learn the truth was to ask his captain to explain just what he had experienced in that universe. So he went to the observation deck to find Kirk.

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