Don’t Walk Away was posted January 30, 2017
Spock watched his now former captain’s back as he continued to disappear into the crowd. He was certain that James Kirk had heard him, but had refused to turn around anyway.
For an undetermined amount of time, and didn’t that show exactly what was wrong with Spock, he stood there on the platform for the high speed train. His fingers curled against the palms of his hands, forming fists. And still he stood rooted to the spot, letting Jim leave without pursuit.
How had Spock let it get to this point? For certainly it must be his fault.
He was well aware he did not do well with emotions. He did not even always understand them. He’d spent a lifetime learning to hide them, no bury them even, as though they did not-could not exist.
This was not an easy thing for a Human to handle. They wanted affection and understanding and emotional comfort that sometimes Spock simply could not supply.
His relationship with Nyota had ultimately failed because he could never quite offer her what she wanted, what she deemed she was worthy of. And indeed, Spock had deemed her worthy of it too, but he could not give it to her. And though he still thought of her with as much affection and respect as he always had, they’d parted ways. Nyota had wished to pursue another personal relationship and Spock had appreciated that she informed him of this before actually doing so.
But he remembered that night, the first time he’d seen her laughing and dancing with Montgomery Scott. He had even suspected that was who she was interested in, and yet it had been more difficult to see them together than he had anticipated. He’d returned to his quarters and a few minutes later there had been the chime for entry that would forever change his life…nay him.
“Are you all right?” Jim asked, coming toward him, concern in his eyes so evident that Spock actually stepped back in surprise. “No, of course you aren’t. I can see that you aren’t.”
Spock was concerned that he was displaying some sort of emotionalism he was not even aware of. He opened his mouth to ask when Jim stepped close, put his hands on Spock’s face, one on either side of Spock’s jaw, and looked into Spock’s eyes with eyes that seemed to mirror Spock’s very katra.
“I’m sorry,” Jim whispered. “I know you hurt. I know you feel. You shouldn’t have had to see that. It wasn’t right.”
And before Spock even realized what he was doing, he was kissing Jim, devouring his captain’s lips, searing his own body to Jim’s.
For a while, everything had been exactly the way Spock would have wanted it to be if he had ever thought Jim Kirk would be his. Jim seemed to understand him in ways Nyota never had. In fact, in ways no one ever had. Spock had even begun to think in terms of eventual bonding. He had been reluctant to mention it still. Feeling his way. And before he knew it, the mission was nearing its end and Jim began to talk about a different future than what Spock had been envisioning.
“I don’t know, Spock. Maybe I’ll think about that position on that new Starbase that’s supposed to be even bigger than Yorktown.” He laughed. “Can you imagine? I’m tired, you know. That last year really kicked my ass. Or maybe, I don’t know, retire to Iowa or something. God, like I should do that. I just, I don’t know. I’m thinking about my options. What about you? Are you thinking of going to New Vulcan?”
And that was when it hit Spock hard. Jim didn’t want the future Spock did. A future together.
The last night, Spock had been on the observation deck, staring at nothing. And when he’d heard someone else enter he had suspected it would be Nyota. He’d been surprised it was not.
“What are you doing?”
“I beg your pardon?”
“With Jim. What are you doing?”
“I don’t understand.”
“Well, let me explain it to you. He’s running scared. That’s what Jim does.”
Spock shook his head. “Doctor, while I appreciate—”
“Don’t be like everyone else, Spock. Don’t let him walk away. You have to pursue him. If he goes to that Starbase or Godforsaken Riverside, you’ve lost. You won’t see him again, because he won’t give you another chance. He’s been hurt too many times. Don’t be the one he can’t get over.”
Now, Spock still stood where he was, watching Jim leave him behind.
“Take care of yourself, Spock.” Jim hadn’t embraced him or kissed him publicly like Nyota would have. Jim had never done any public displays of affection beyond patting or squeezing Spock’s arms. He’d told Spock once he didn’t want to make Spock uncomfortable and their intimacy was private.
Spock made his legs move. In fact, he began to run toward the direction Jim had left, toward the train Jim intended to get on.
As he ran he thought about what he would say when he caught up to Jim. He would start by asking Jim not to walk away. From him. From them. Not to let the fear dictate both their choices and their lives.
But as he reached the train, the doors closed and the train began its high speed journey away from the platform and Spock was left standing there looking at what might have been.
He could not believe he had let Jim slip away.
Spock bowed his head, closing his eyes.
“You want to move, mister?” An old man pushed him as he struggled by with a huge load of luggage toward the next train.
Spock inhaled deeply, straightened and turned.
James T. Kirk smiled at him, blue eyes shining as bright as any star Spock had ever seen.
“Going somewhere?” Jim asked in a voice soft and warm enough to thaw any heart, no matter its location.
“Affirmative,” Spock managed to say, his voice deep and gravelly as he stepped close to Jim.
“Yeah?” That smile that would never get old. Would never be tiresome. But in fact was like life. “Where?”